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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29997114">The Nobodies</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freyjabee/pseuds/Freyjabee'>Freyjabee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fairy Tail</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Belonging, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fairy Tail Modern AU, M/M, Multi, Romance, contemporary</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:20:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>67,147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29997114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freyjabee/pseuds/Freyjabee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a long dark road, but if you know where to look, bits of light shine between the clouds. Juvia thinks she knows the way but is lost. For Gray, Lost is a familiar companion he's not so willing to part with.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gray Fullbuster/Juvia Lockser, Jellal Fernandes/Gray Fullbuster, Juvia Lockser/Ultear Milkovich</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For Sam. There will always be a you-sized hole in my heart.</p><p>Warnings: this story is likely going to be as hard to read as it is to write. Expect drug abuse, sexual content, forced sexual contact, other drudgery. I urge you not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. I have demons for two to excise.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>We were the world<br/>but we've got no future<br/>and we want to be just like you<br/>we want to be just like you.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>It's easy sneaking from her dad's house. She's done it a million times. Thrown the hatch on her window wide, shimmied legs-first out of the window, toes stretching for the trellis, and then, just when she thinks she'll have bruises on her ribs and nothing but open air beneath her, she finds a foothold and goes.</p>
      <p>When Juvia hits the ground, she's filled with a sense of rebellious accomplishment. She's circumvented the outside lock on her door and has escaped anyway. Now it's freedom for the next seven hours. Deep, full breaths, no responsibility, just her combats, the pavement, and—</p>
      <p>"Juvie."</p>
      <p>Her father always says her name in the exact same way. <em>Ju-vie. </em>He's disappointed. He's mad. He's at the end of his leash. <em>Ju-vie</em>.</p>
      <p>She freezes, toes on the ground. She thought he was ignorant to her comings and goings. But here he is, waiting for her. She turns, finds his silhouette in the moonlight, tall, dark, broad. She thinks of the man whose shoulders she rode upon at six. The same one that fixed her toboggan at thirteen. The one that patted her shoulder three years later when her first crush rejected her.</p>
      <p>That man has been tucked away.</p>
      <p>The one that stands before her now is the one that not only went through her room but read her diary. The one that took her favourite spiky collar and threw it out without her permission. The one that installed a lock on the outside of the door like that might keep her from wanting all the things she's been told she shouldn't want.</p>
      <p>It's not true.</p>
      <p>She just wants them more.</p>
      <p>More independence.</p>
      <p>More freedoms.</p>
      <p>More decisions her father would never make.</p>
      <p>"What do you think you're doing?"</p>
      <p>She has a choice. To be cowed into going back inside, or to blaze past her father with the kind of confidence she doesn't possess, really.</p>
      <p>Juvia realizes she needs to make this good. It's a stand, now or never. Either she makes him believe she's capable of making her own decisions, or she goes back to that room and lets him lock her in forever.</p>
      <p>"Juvia? Answer me."</p>
      <p>Is it her imagination, or does he sound almost… scared?</p>
      <p>His fear gives her the strength to stand tall.</p>
      <p>"Stop trying to cage me," she tells him. The venom oozes out of her and her father takes a surprised step back. She's always been meek, quiet, sad. Now that she's something different, he doesn't know how to receive her.</p>
      <p>Juvia brushes past him, down the driveway.</p>
      <p>"If you leave this property, you're not coming back."</p>
      <p>Juvia almost falters. He's never made that kind of threat before. She keeps going because in the end, she doesn't believe him, because how could this man who raised her be so cruel?</p>
      <p>"Never!" he calls at her back.</p>
      <p>Juvia thinks about flipping him off. She's not actually brave enough, but the thought sustains her. She pushes out onto the shadowed street, into what she thinks is freedom, but is just another cage, dressed up, polished, turned out. A cage she willingly closes the door and locks herself inside.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Night presses in on Juvia like a knife against her throat.</p>
      <p>She leaves behind her street, gets on the late bus, devoid of everyone except a nurse coming off her shift, and threesome of friends Juvia's age, one of which is motion sick into an empty bottle of Pepsi. She tries to ignore them all by putting in her headphones and listening to the loudest bands she can find.</p>
      <p>When its her turn to vacate the bus, she nearly leaps from the seat and charges out of the swinging door, into the cold night air.</p>
      <p>Sometimes she thinks, <em>this could be my life, </em>dodging through the city streets, savvy as a cat. Sometimes she feels like an outsider caught in the tangles of a spider's web. Tonight, she rides the line, waiting to be overcome by a sense of alienness.</p>
      <p>Most stores are chained up for the night. The only ones that dare stay open are the coffee shops, and even their innards are barren except for a few sleepless patrons.</p>
      <p>Juvia slips by a man standing on the corner staring at the sky with a reverent expression. He doesn't feel right to her. When his gaze lands on her, she darts across the street before it's safe and nearly gets squashed by a transport truck doing twice the speed limit. The driver honks at her. She can hear him yelling in the cab above the other noise.</p>
      <p>On the opposite side of the street, the light from the coffee shop is a weak glow. There is a pet food store, barred up, and a Pools sales shop beside it, and, lastly, the bus terminal that almost feels like a second home. Juvia slinks toward it, holding her breath.</p>
      <p>Some nights, she comes here and she's the only one standing beneath the open sky. She's an outsider, a loner, waiting for the friends she doesn't know, in a city that's not entirely hers. She knows it's dangerous. She knows at any moment, someone could whisk her away, and the only thing that would see it would be the bus terminal's camera, mounted on the backside of the building, silent. She does it anyway because she likes the way her heart pounds when she does. She likes the way her palms are slicked with sweat and her blood hammers in her veins and how light she feels, how free.</p>
      <p>Voices drift from around the building and something in Juvia becomes buoyant. Her last steps are light over the concrete sidewalk, and she doesn't feel the late February wind cut through her.</p>
      <p>The conversation dies when she rounds the corner and sees four people standing in a circle. She only recognizes one of them, Meredy's pink hair would stand out anywhere.</p>
      <p>"Juvia!" Meredy chirrups and throws herself across the distance. She's cold in Juvia's arms, shivering slightly; she's been standing outside for too long, and it's seeped into her bones. "It's been forever."</p>
      <p>"Only a week," Juvia laughs. A week and so much has changed. Where are Meredy's other friends? Who are all these new people? She garners the attention of all of them and it feels like she's stepped into a hyena den. She resists the urge to wrap her arms around herself and merely shivers.</p>
      <p>It's started to snow, huge, white flakes that take their time drifting from the ceiling of clouds. Juvia turns her face to them. Winter is bleak, desolate, quiet, and she knows it makes her strange, but she loves it almost as much as she loves spring, with its rushing waters and warming temperatures, when ten degrees feels like twenty.</p>
      <p>"This is Jellal," Meredy says, pointing to a tall man with hair as blue as Juvia's, "And this is Ultear." A dark-eyed beauty who stares at Juvia in a way that makes Juvia feel emboldened and shy all at once.</p>
      <p>"And this is Gray," Meredy says last, pointing to the man next to Ultear. He doesn't meet Juvia's eyes for long, choosing instead to smoke his cigarette and return his gaze to the ground, where he counts what looks like gum hardened to the concrete.</p>
      <p>Juvia wants to ask a lot of things—where did you find these people? What are you doing with them? Do you like them more than me? Where does this put our friendship?</p>
      <p>It doesn't seem like the appropriate time to pepper Meredy with questions, though. Besides, she's learned that those kinds of questions usually leads to defensive answers, and she's lost a lot of friends that way.</p>
      <p>"What are we doing?" Juvia says instead.</p>
      <p>Jellal smiles, but it's not quite at her. It's not really at anyone. Like Gray, he thinks inanimate things are more intriguing than his present company, and grins widely at the stars while he hands something to her. It's a pipe. The top is stained black from use and the mouthpiece glistens.</p>
      <p>Meredy looks at Juvia apologetically and the truth hits Juvia like a ton of bricks—Meredy's moving on, trying things she doesn't think Juvia will try, doing things she doesn't think Juvia will do. There's already a great divide between them—Juvia's one and a half years on Meredy. Meredy's lifestyle. She sleeps beneath a roof that belongs to the government while they look for foster parents to take a seventeen-year-old. She's a full two years behind Juvia in school. After she graduated, Juvia told herself she was saving money, waiting to go to college, but really, she's been waiting for Meredy to graduate as well so they can go together.</p>
      <p>However unlikely it seems, they're friends, and Juvia doesn't have enough of those to look the other way as Meredy pushes her aside for a group of new people.</p>
      <p>Despite the obvious pressure, Juvia looks at the pipe skeptically. She's smoked weed, she's drunk alcohol. She thinks she's even gotten roofied, once, but she can't remember the particulars of that party or even the stranger that brought her the drink (he didn't feel like a stranger after two hours of talking, to be fair). But this is different. She knows in her gut, it's a whole lot different.</p>
      <p>"What is it?"</p>
      <p>"Ice," Jellal says with a grin so huge, Juvia falters.</p>
      <p>"She's got to go home," Meredy says. "Don't."</p>
      <p>Jellal's eyes meet Juvia's. They're cold and remote and whatever he sees when he looks at her, she knows it doesn't make him soft toward her. He's challenging her. She can't meet it. She can't. She can't make herself take the drug. She doesn't know what <em>ice </em>is. She doesn't know these people, and she doesn't want to end up on the bed of a strange house again, looking at the ceiling, feeling nothing, thinking nothing, except, <em>I don't belong here.</em></p>
      <p>"I'll walk home with you," Meredy says. She puts her arm through Juvia's and starts to pull her away.</p>
      <p>"I can't go home," Juvia says. And it's not about what her dad said when she walked off the property. Not entirely, anyway. It's also about her pride. It's about teaching him a lesson. He pushed her out, thinking she'd ask to come back. She'll stay out and make him fold first.</p>
      <p>It's mean, but she wants him to need her more than she needs him.</p>
      <p>Or something.</p>
      <p>Meredy's green eyes go round and sympathetic. "Fighting again?" she asks, then realizes their company and presses her lips together. "Do you want to sleep in my room?"</p>
      <p>Juvia has stayed in the halfway house once, slipping in at Meredy's side past the receptionist who looked over Juvia's soaking clothes and said nothing, other than slipping her the house's business card. She threw it out in Meredy's waste basket because this was of her own choosing. She didn't <em>need </em>a place to stay. She just wanted one. And it was a dump. Dirty, dingy, outdated.</p>
      <p>"They did renos on the bathrooms," Meredy says, properly reading Juvia's hesitation. "And it's better than the street."</p>
      <p>Juvia sighs internally and nods her head, even as part of her thinks she should just go home, say sorry and promise never to sneak out of the house again.</p>
      <p>She still will, though. If she can show him she's self-sufficient on her own, maybe he'll trust her more?</p>
      <p>She feels everyone's eyes on her as she walks away with Meredy's hand in hers. She can't tell which gaze sears her more, or if all three are unbearable.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We are the nobodies<br/>Wanna be somebodies<br/>When we're dead<br/>They'll know just who we are</p><hr/><p>It's late. Tiredness creeps into Gray's bones and nestles there, ready to overtake him.</p><p>Magnolia is divided by a small lake and in the winter, it's easier to walk across it to get to the other side of the city than to go around. Moonlight fractures on the ice one hundred times, out beyond the point where Gray can follow it. The air has a definitive bite that it didn't have when this day started. He breathes shallowly because to take deep breaths hurts his lungs.</p><p>His feet slide over the ice, blocking out the rancour of the city behind him. It never rests its weary head; there are always transports with places to be, people with things to see and buy, nobodies wandering the streets, trying to be somebodies.</p><p>He slips. Ultear, as surefooted as ever, catches him. She laughs like a wild goose. Her grip is too tight on his arm and her laughter rings in his ears like a bell tolling out their last hour. He wants to shy away from it but there's nowhere to go. Ever.</p><p>She'd never let him, either. Her grip is possessive. He's all she has in the world, and vice-versa, Ultear tells him. It's them forever and fuck the rest, no matter how manic she gets, no matter who she brings into her life.</p><p>She scares him when she talks like that because secretly, it feels like she's not enough. <em>They're </em>not enough. He needs more. Wants more. And so does Ultear, whether she wants to admit it or not.</p><p>The smoke from Jellal's lit cigarette burns Gray's nose. He looks back over his shoulder. All his movements feel disconnected. He doesn't know who he is when he's like this. He could be a star falling from the sky, or he could be roadkill, bound to the earth forever.</p><p>Jellal catches his eye and hands him his cigarette. Gray takes it, their fingers brushing. He feels a mild electric shock. It doesn't startle him, though. He's come to expect it, in a sense. Crave it in another.</p><p>"I can't believe Meredy bailed," Ultear says to the lake in front of them. Across the water, not so far away, is a pier, and just off the pier is her mother's house, where Ultear stays in the apartment in the loft of the garage.</p><p>"Her friend showed up," Gray reminds her.</p><p>"Yeah. We didn't tell her to get lost. She could have stayed, too."</p><p>She could have. But he knows how intimidating they can be from the outside. He is too cold, Ultear is too hot, and Jellal's gazes can be the most unsettling things in the world.</p><p>"She'll be back," Ultear decides.</p><p>Gray doesn't know who she means, Meredy or her friend, but he hopes it's neither. This thing here, between them three? It's a trap as tricky as sand. He would give anything to get out, and yet, there's nowhere he'd rather be.</p><p>Still silent, Jellal takes his cigarette back from between Gray's fingers, smokes it to the filter.</p><p>When the frozen water gives way to land, the conversation between them dies. Ultear gets her keys ready before they're up the driveway so she doesn't wake her mother, whose room is just across from the garage door, separated by a thin walkway between the house and the garage.</p><p>Gray stands close to Jellal while he waits for her to open the door. He can feel the other man beside him, breathing shallowly. His body heat pushes through his thin coat and into Gray's. Gray shivers. It's in anticipation, it's in guilt.</p><p>They still don't speak once the door is open. Ultear retreats to the washroom, Gray, one of the two bedrooms he's claimed as his own. He hears Jellal in the kitchen, filling a glass of water, drinking it down. He remains listening while he undresses right down to his shorts and is almost relieved when the door to his room creaks open.</p><p>He stays facing the window that looks out over the street, listening to Jellal drop his wallet, keys, and drugs onto the computer desk by the door, and stays that way until Jellal steps in behind him and grabs each of his arms respectively. Stays that way until Jellal presses his cold lips to Gray's mandible. Stays that way until the kiss migrates to his mouth and becomes open, wet, and quickly turns desperate. Then he turns to Jellal and gives in. The kiss deepens.</p><p>They do not speak, and the only sound is Jellal's eager breaths, that Gray begins to meet, and the clothing rustling between them. He struggles to get Jellal's garments off, to feel his bare skin. Swimming through the sea of this insanity, it's the only way he feels sane some days.</p><p>When he holds Jellal's erection in his hand, his thoughts start to clear, and the path forward becomes obvious. This one thing focuses him, physical contact, the beginning, and its end. A thing he can control, an outcome he can anticipate.</p><p>He loves this.</p><p>He hates this.</p><p>He has no idea how Jellal feels.</p><hr/><p>Meredy's apartment is exactly as bare as Juvia remembers it. No family picture adorn the walls, and the desk is empty of everything except a shitty thrifted laptop and a printed photo of Meredy and Juvia, taken last year at the local theme park Juvia paid for, partially with her money, partially with her father's.</p><p>Meredy closes and locks her door. It's a practiced move when you live with fourteen other young adults of varying mental states. Some are thick with sadness, others thin with addiction. Juvia thought she saw a wisp of a boy holed away inside one of the communal washrooms on her way upstairs. The door was cracked open and he leaned against the sink with a razor against his wrist. She would have paused to stare, and maybe to offer help, but Meredy seemed to think it was a regular occurrence and didn't bother slowing one bit.</p><p>The suffering in this world floors Juvia sometimes. Overloads her. Clouds her mind and makes it difficult to think. Should she be offering help? <em>Can </em>she help? Or will it just make it worse?</p><p>"I have a spare sleeping bag," Meredy is saying, oblivious to Juvia's internal torment. "The Knox Church gave us all one on that last camping trip…" She trails off as she wanders into the narrow closet she's stuffed full of her belongings—not much, three pairs of boots Juvia would wear herself, tall, black, leather, beat up, and clothing Meredy's thrifted. It's brightly coloured, lots of reds, greens, yellows, but they're hard-edged, like Meredy herself. She's cute, those clothes seem to say, but if you fuck with her, she'll cut you. Juvia loves this about her. She especially loves that Meredy has a soft side, and the only one that gets to see it with any frequency is Juvia herself.</p><p>"I think we're too big to sleep on the bed together, even head to foot." Meredy returns with a black sleeping bag with a bright orange lining. It looks puffy and warm. "Do you mind sleeping on the floor? We can take turns. I'll sleep there tomorrow night."</p><p><em>Take turns</em>. Juvia almost falters, because this isn't supposed to be a permanent thing, but she strives to be as nonchalant as Meredy, who is likely used to people coming and going out of the safehouse.</p><p>"Sure. No problem."</p><p>Someone growls in the room above theirs. Juvia straightens, at once on alert.</p><p>"That's just Toby," Meredy waves her off. "He's harmless, but sometimes he has episodes at night. Don't worry about it. He'll shut up in a few minutes."</p><p>Juvia takes the sleeping bag and chooses a spot on the floor beside Meredy's bed. The room itself is clean, the floors swept and washed, but they're abused from all the people that came before Meredy, and by the looks of the burn marks, scratches and gouges, there were a lot.</p><p>There's a spot by where Juvia chooses to lay her head that says M + L and then is scratched out viciously only to be written again in a lighter, more delicate hand. Around it, someone has seared a heart into the boards. It must have smoked like crazy, but Juvia can see no fire alarms in this room.</p><p>"Did your dad close you in again?" Meredy asks as she goes through her drawer and comes out with two oversized T-shirts.</p><p>Juvia thinks back to her room, to the lock sliding into place as the sun set. She chews her lip. She's had people tell her it's unnatural to be confined to her space in such a way but it's the only way she's ever known to live. Her father wants to keep her safe, as if all the things he needs to keep her safe from are physical, and he can keep them out with a bolt and a chain.</p><p>"I had a mood swing," Juvia says into the following quiet. "I refused to take my medication." She knows it keeps her balanced, pushes away at the vicious ups and downs she's been plagued with since puberty, but sometimes, she lays in bed for days, staring at the bedstand clock, not understanding how the numbers can keep moving while she stays so still.</p><p>"That's not a reason to treat you like that."</p><p>Juvia's response is silence.</p><p>Meredy hides her expression in the T-shirt she strips over her head. When she's dressed again, she asks, "Did you bring it?"</p><p>Juvia reaches into the small purse she drags around with her and takes out the pill bottle, rattling them in front of her face. "Always."</p><p>A minute flash of relief appears in Meredy's eyes. She doesn't let it linger and Juvia tries not to let it sting.</p><p>"Those people you were with, where did you meet them?" Juvia asks as she strips off her own clothing.</p><p>"Ultear's my mentor," Meredy says.</p><p>Juvia wants to sputter and laugh but can do neither. "Her?"</p><p>"She's nice," Meredy says, at once defensive. "And she needs to do come community work to get into college."</p><p><em>Nice.</em> She didn't look nice tonight. She looked ready to flay anything or anyone that stepped in her way. "The drugs…"</p><p>"She doesn't do them." Meredy brushes out her hair. The locks are long and pink and just a little dark on top where her dark roots are growing in. Juvia's are the opposite, a blonde almost white beneath the blue dye.</p><p><em>That guy did</em>, Juvia thinks of Jellal, but does not say. She remembers his gaze settling on her like a weight. His unsettling grin as he told her, <em>Ice</em>. And the other one beside him, who would rather stare at the broken sidewalk than give her the time of day.</p><p>"Have you?" Juvia asks.</p><p>"Have I?"</p><p>"Tried Ice?"</p><p>Meredy snorts. Her brows come together in criticism. "What do you take me for?"</p><p>Defensive, Juvia says, "It's an honest question."</p><p>"Of course I haven't," Meredy says.</p><p>They fall into an uncomfortable silence. Questions burn in Juvia's chest and she knows if she doesn't ask them now, she never will. She starts with the simplest. "Are you going to?"</p><p>"Definitely not."</p><p>But she still won't meet Juvia's eyes as she speaks, not directly. She looks at Juvia through the mirror and there's something in her gaze that Juvia doesn't like. If she could halt this moment in time and make it last forever to protect Meredy, she would.</p><p>The thought only makes her think of the lock on her bedroom door and all the things she's been kept from, too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When one world ends<br/>something else begins<br/>but without a scream<br/>just a whisper because we<br/>just start it over again</p>
<hr/>
<p>Morning comes too soon for Juvia. Her sleep has been restless, broken by the ongoing growls of Toby above—despite Meredy's assurances, he didn't quiet until about six—and the wail of a siren that came right into the parking lot. The lights blinked into Meredy's room for almost thirty minutes. When Juvia got up to see what the fuss was about, she saw a boy being led out in the grips of a paramedic. She tried to see if it were the same boy from the washroom but couldn't be certain. If it <em>was </em>him, at least he was walking when he left.</p>
<p>Through it all, Meredy didn't budge, so it's a surprise to Juvia when she wakes again a few hours later and sees Meredy's feet padding past her head. She remains where she is, eyes closed again, because she's not quite ready to wake yet, and then because she's surprised when the door opens, and Meredy starts to whisper. Juvia strains to hear who has drawn Meredy from her bed so early.</p>
<p>"I told you I was busy," Meredy hisses into the hallway. It's almost impossible for Juvia to make out what she's saying. The man she speaks to holds a much more casual volume, unafraid of being seen talking to Meredy.</p>
<p>"You didn't answer me."</p>
<p>"Not tonight <em>is </em>an answer," Meredy argues.</p>
<p>Juvia cracks open her eyes but all she can see is the lifted platform of Meredy's bed. She tilts her head just slightly as to not draw attention and sees the man Meredy speaks to is no one she knows. He has long dark hair he keeps back in a bandana and more piercings than Juvia's ever seen on another person before. He looks rough. He looks mean. He looks like the type of man Meredy should <em>not </em>be talking to.</p>
<p>And yet, Juvia doesn't intervene. She doesn't know what she'll say, or how she'll say it, and she's not sure she wants to be on this man's radar. She's almost sure she could handle herself. Off her medication. On, and she's too soft, too sweet, too ingenue. Part of her regrets the pill she conceded to take last night before bed.</p>
<p>"We had someone to cover you last night," the man says, "But Jose wants to know what you're thinking for tonight."</p>
<p>Juvia can almost see Meredy gnawing her lip in uncertainty. When she turns her head back to look at Juvia, Juvia slams her eyes closed. She's not positive the man didn't see, but knows she hid from Meredy.</p>
<p>"Bring the dame with ya if you need to," the man says. "Jose won't care."</p>
<p>"She's not…" Meredy trails off. Juvia's heart catapults in her chest. <em>I'm not what? </em>Enough? Like that? (<em>Like what</em>?) Good enough?</p>
<p>She wants to be good enough for anybody. Everybody. Meredy in particular. It feels like she's been stabbed in the chest. The pain radiates but goes nowhere because she's always known it's true. At least on some level. She's not good enough for her friends. She's not even good enough for herself most days.</p>
<p>"Be there tonight," the man says.</p>
<p>Meredy sucks in a breath to respond, but in the end, holds it in until she closes the door, locking them into her room again.</p>
<p>Juvia opens her eyes. Meredy startles when she finds them.</p>
<p>"Who was that?" Juvia asks.</p>
<p>"No one," Meredy responds.</p>
<p>Juvia poses her question again and Meredy's shoulders sink. "His name is Gajeel. He's an enforcer at a club I work for sometimes."</p>
<p>"What kind of club?" Juvia asks, at once suspicious. Her and Meredy have been friends a long time and she's never mentioned this club.</p>
<p>"Just one where people go to party." Meredy sweeps by Juvia and climbs back into her bed. She settles down into her pillow still facing Juvia. She looks younger than her seventeen years, and somehow older, too. There's a dull shine to her eyes that unsettles Juvia.</p>
<p>"Meredy."</p>
<p>"It's called Phantom." Meredy almost whispers it. The name shoots a lightning bolt through Juvia's middle. An old boyfriend took her there once, the one she thought could love her but didn't. He spied the girls on Phantom's stage with too much want and broke Juvia's heart.</p>
<p>"What the hell do you do<em> there?</em>" Meredy is too young for that kind of establishment.</p>
<p>"I don't go inside," Meredy says immediately. "I just kinda hang out front and try to get people to go in."</p>
<p>It still sounds wrong.</p>
<p>"They pay pretty good."</p>
<p>Juvia says nothing.</p>
<p>"If you come tonight, meet Jose, maybe he'll pay you, too," Meredy tries.</p>
<p>"What can I say to make you stay here?" Juvia asks. Her mind is on the strip club, her heart is in last night, asking Meredy if she's ever done Ice, and Meredy's noncommittal response.</p>
<p>"You heard Gajeel," Meredy says. "I don't have anyone else to cover my shift."</p>
<p>And she doesn't want it, either her tone says. Juvia wonders, where is her friend? When did she become thick in all these things? Has it been for months, and Juvia has been too self-absorbed to notice? Or is it sudden? And if so, why such erratic behaviour?</p>
<p>When the seconds turn to minutes and Juvia still hasn't responded, Meredy turns over and closes her eyes and Juvia knows that will be the end of it, unless she decides to accompany Meredy tonight.</p>
<p>Juvia's phone trills beside her head with the jingle she's assigned to her father. Adrenaline shoots through her veins. There will be no sleeping after this. She reaches for her phone. Meredy doesn't move, her head still cushioned on her arm. She looks younger than usual, more vulnerable. Juvia wishes, and not for the first time, that she could make the world better for them both. Meredy wouldn't have to live here, and Juvia wouldn't have to depend on people that loved her in contaminated ways. Too much. Too fast. Too deeply. Somehow, not deeply enough.</p>
<p>Juvia looks at her phone.</p>
<p>Her father's words are simple: come home. A stab of longing tangles with defiance. Her fingers hover over the keys as she tries to think of a response. Saying okay seems like giving in. responding at <em>all</em>, is almost like giving him the upper hand. He's likely worried, though. Juvia can perfectly imagine his frown as he sees the <em>Read </em>on his text but not the … of Juvia's rushing response.</p>
<p>Something outside the room <em>smashes</em> and someone laughs manically. It's not a happy laugh, or a surprised laugh. It's disappointed. Juvia's never heard anything like it before, but she identifies it as easily as she can a cloud in the sky. It starts her heart into hyperdrive.</p>
<p>Before she knows she's moved, she's up, the sleeping bag a rolled down mess, and has the door torn open. She looks down the hallway, struggling to see in the gloomy morning light.</p>
<p>Someone moves at the end of the hallway, drawing Juvia's eyes. She squints. It's a girl with long brown hair. There's an expanse of pale skin at her middle, and her legs are bare of everything but short shorts. She faces down Gajeel with a defiance Meredy lacked.</p>
<p>"You can't just <em>come in here </em>if you want," the girl says. "You don't belong here. Get the fuck out."</p>
<p>"She owes me for a night of work," growls Gajeel. Even his voice makes something unhinge in Juvia, itches her right down to her skin.</p>
<p>"Forget it, loser."</p>
<p>Gajeel opens and closes his fists with such aggression, Juvia's positive he'll strike the girl. She seems to think so, too. She stands like someone who has taken a hit or two and smiles almost like a dare. Juvia is scared for her. Part of her wants to speak out, but she doesn't know these people, doesn't understand the circumstance, and he hasn't made any move just yet.</p>
<p>Juvia tenses when the man finally gets mobile, but it's to swivel around and stalk down the hallway. His eyes settle on her for only an instant, taking her in, pushing her aside, as so many have done before him. It shouldn't sting, but it does. She wants to be someone of consequence, always, and this slight is just one wasp sting on top of many others.</p>
<p>The door down the hallway bangs closed and Gajeel is gone. The girl across the hallway lets out a shallow breath and throws herself back against the wall. She seems content to gather her own thoughts. Juvia dithers, unsure of how to proceed: slink back into her room or strike up a conversation.</p>
<p>"They're not supposed to let him in here," the girl says, making Juvia's decision for her. "Stay away from him if you see him back here. Don't let him rope you in with some bullshit line about making cash. It's not fucking worth it."</p>
<p>"Why not?"</p>
<p>The brunette scrutinizes Juvia. "You're new, aren't you?"</p>
<p>"No. Yes. Sort of." Juvia stumbles. "Not really."</p>
<p>The girl stares at her.</p>
<p>"I'm staying with my friend. For now."</p>
<p>"Well. Here's some advice. Phantom is sleezy and whatever they try to deal you, it's never worth it."</p>
<p>Juvia clutches the bottom of her nightgown. It's a subconscious move that's been born from years of social anxiety and awkwardness. "Okay."</p>
<p>"Tell Meredy that, too. She's too young." With that, the girl turns away and enters a room just down the hallway. Juvia's too surprised to call her back.</p>
<p>Juvia's phone buzzes again, startling her. She looks down and sees her father has sent her a photo. Her things are in a pile on the front lawn.</p>
<p><em>Hurry up, </em>he adds beneath. <em>I think the Corona girl is looking to go shopping.</em></p>
<p>In the background, Juvia can see their neighbour Flare watching from across the street. Her father is uncharitable. He's always uncharitable, though. Flare doesn't want to go through her things, she's wondering what the fuck it's all doing out on the lawn, and so is Juvia.</p>
<p>Meredy is still pretending to sleep when Juvia comes back into the room and doesn't make any effort to wake up, even when Juvia throws on her clothing. Juvia's too consumed to ask for company. Nor does she think she would. Her father's behaviour is almost as erratic as Juvia's, sometimes, and it's embarrassing. When she was young, her classmates would shy from their parents' affection. Juvia would cringe at her father's outbursts. He is the original bipolar.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Gray wakes, Jellal is just standing, stretching. He's naked and doesn't try to hide it as he gets his clothes, his wallet, keys, drugs.</p>
<p>"Are you coming back tonight?" Gray hears himself ask.</p>
<p>Jellal yanks his shirt over his head then lights a cigarette, though Ultear doesn't like it when he smokes in her apartment. She never complains as much to Jellal as she does to Gray, though.</p>
<p>"Do you want me to?" Jellal's voice is a bit rusty from sleep.</p>
<p>Gray chews the edge of his tongue. If he says yes, he's admitting he wants too much. And if he says no, he's afraid Jellal will call his bluff and disappear for weeks. They've played this game before.</p>
<p>"Ultear mentioned going to the pier."</p>
<p>Jellal's mouth tightens almost imperceptivity. "Does she think she can save that girl?"</p>
<p><em>That girl </em>is Meredy, and Ultear's been trying to save one of them, either Meredy or herself, for months. Every time they clash, they seem to get further and further away from <em>okay.</em></p>
<p>"She can't even save herself," Jellal says lastly before throwing open the door.</p>
<p>Gray listens to him help himself into the washroom. Eventually that door opens and the front one slams.</p>
<p>Gray throws himself back into his pillows and closes his eyes.</p>
<p>He feels Ultear's presence before she says anything. "What?"</p>
<p>"He tries to rattle you," Ultear says. "He likes it, and you like to let him."</p>
<p>She's right, as usual.</p>
<p>"If you want him to come to you, you have to not try so hard."</p>
<p>Like Jellal is a cat Gray <em>wants </em>to pet.</p>
<p>He doesn't know what he thinks or what he wants. Not to be lonely anymore, maybe. Have someone to want him, probably. A challenge, most likely. To be used? Sometimes, when Jellal leaves, it seems like indefinitely.</p>
<p>He sighs and pulls his pillow over his head. He suspects Ultear will leave, but she comes into his room and lies down beside him like they did when they were kids. She stares at the ceiling and he stares at the darkness in his pillows.</p>
<p>At last, Gray says, "Fuck him."</p>
<p>"You're so angry all the time," Ultear says.</p>
<p>And what can he say? It's true.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>she puts the seeds in me<br/>plant this dying tree<br/>she's a burning string<br/>and I'm just the ashes</p><hr/><p>An inch of packed snow coats the sidewalk. Juvia's boots slip through the mess and her toes are cold. The wind bites her cheeks and stings her forehead. Her hands were numb five minutes after she slipped past the cranky guard at the safehouse.</p><p>Her stomach tumbles with familiar anxiety and she wishes she'd taken more than just one of her pills. It wouldn't help, not in any functional fashion, but they would make her feel numb, and maybe more equipped to deal with this unfamiliar territory.</p><p>Does her father expect her to apologize? <em>She's </em>not the one that put a lock on her door and forced her to leave. <em>She's </em>not the one that thought it was a good idea to throw all her stuff out on the front lawn. She could go on, but blaming him for all her woes seems unjust, in some way. He's still her father.</p><p>When her house comes into view, Juvia sees her things have drawn the attention of several neighbours, not just Flare. Their neighbour, Jiemma Orland watches from the comfort of his sunroom. Juvia chooses to ignore the smug look on his face. This feels too like what he did to his own daughter. Juvia remembers her confrontational episode with him in fits and spurts, storming onto her lawn and yelling across the street as Minerva picked up her belongings and packed them into a cab, Juvia crossing the property boundaries and throwing one of said belongings against Jiemma's window, calling the police, and then silence when nothing was done.</p><p>None of her neighbours try to interfere like that for her.</p><p>And she's grateful. She would be embarrassed. It's no wonder Minerva won't talk to her anymore.</p><p>Juvia stands over her things with her arms limp at her sides, not sure where to begin. Even her underwear is out on the snow, soaking. A spike of anger shoots through her. This stings worse than the day her father installed the lock on her bedroom. At least then, she understood why. He was trying to keep her safe. But this?</p><p><em>He's had enough</em>, she thinks. Eventually, everyone does. It seems like he's no exception. Tears sting her eyes.</p><p>Juvia falls to her knees, soaking them, freezing them to the bone, and starts gathering her things, starting with her underwear. They've been out here for hours, maybe, for everyone to see, but she's still humiliated.</p><p>The front door swings open and Juvia's father looks down on her. He has a duffle in his hand. He throws it across the distance without a word in greeting.</p><p>"Why did you do this?" Juvia bursts first, unable to keep it in, keep silent.</p><p>"You were the one that left."</p><p>"So what?"</p><p>"You knew what would happen. I warned you."" he tells her in that cold way he can have when he's in an episode. <em>Everyone hates me</em>, he's thinking. Juvia knows because she thinks it too, sometimes. It's so frustrating to have him push her to be medicated but to refuse medication himself.</p><p>The hypocrite.</p><p>She's suddenly <em>furious</em>.</p><p>All her movements are erratic stuffing her belongings into the duffle. They hardly fit, and by the time she's gathered the last sock off the crystalline snow, the zipper won't slide around. It gets stuck a quarter of the way and Juvia's clothes hang out the edge.</p><p>"You need <em>help</em>," Juvia seethes. "It's not natural to lock your daughter in her bedroom. Of <em>course </em>I left! And look! I'm doing it again! You're going to—you're going to be alone forever! I'm never coming back."</p><p>His gaze is unsteady, and his demeanour is climbing toward something violent. He's never hit her before, but she thinks if she were close enough now, he'd try. That frightens her. Like the ground has been suddenly taken away from her feet, like she's freefalling into something grossly unfamiliar, like she's a balloon, once tied to a railing, whose string has been cut.</p><p>She's spiralling into an episode, too, she can feel it, and does not <em>want </em>to be sucked down by this.</p><p>She turns on her father before either one of them can make this escalate and stalks down the street.</p><p>She must stop more than a few times to pick up her spilling belongings. People stare at her. She flips them off with the meanest expression she can muster, especially once she nears the shelter and the population starts to get dodgy. She is not a victim, she tries to project to the ones that have nothing but the clothes on their backs, she is not a pushover. She will fight if accosted, and she will win because she doesn't think she has much to lose right now.</p><p>A thought nags her, though: neither do they.</p><p>Juvia walks faster until the safehouse's monochromatic brown façade peeks out of the dinginess in this part of the city.</p><p>Juvia's steps falter for the first time on her way back. What if Meredy doesn't want her back? What if she messed everything up?</p><p>What if</p><p>What if</p><p>What if</p><p>Two stories up, Meredy's window opens and she pokes her head out.</p><p>"Juvia? What are you doing?"</p><p>Juvia stares at her, then at her duffle bag. Tears try to crowd her eyes once more. She swallows the lump in her throat. "My dad kicked me out. For real."</p><p>"What the hell are you doing on the street, then? Get up here," Meredy says immediately and Juvia knows her own insecurities work against her. If Meredy <em>was </em>mad at her earlier, that's passed for this more pressing matter. She's a good friend. The best Juvia has in the world. The <em>only</em>.</p><p>Juvia doesn't slow past the guard. She knows her way and doesn't need him except to unlock the door leading into the residence, which he does, after an awkward pause where Juvia stares at the door, expecting no less. She feels his eyes on her and knows that he watches her luggage and sees a little too much.</p><p>At once, she's sure he's going to tell her to get out, but the words never chase her up the stairs.</p><p>Once she's at Meredy's room, she thinks, on the surface, that she's safe, but a little seed of anxiety takes root. The safehouse is going to tell her to get out. She's sure of it.</p><p>Meredy opens her door and banishes those thoughts from Juvia's mind. Her arms are spread open and her face is honest and rife with sadness. "What happened?"</p><p>The tears Juvia had been keeping at a distance come as if Meredy's opened a flood gate. Meredy takes her in her embrace and the insecurities that Juvia had been feeling wither and fall away. This is still her Meredy, no matter what happens.</p><hr/><p>The sun sets. While he walks, Gray picks at a pizza pocket Ultear stuffed in the microwave for him. It's cold on the inside, but not frozen. The outside is smoking hot and a little soggy.</p><p>Ultear holds his mitted hand in hers like when they were small, and he needed someone to hold onto. He wonders if that's ever changed, or if the last three years he's spent floating in the vast ocean, and Ultear's been kind enough to paddle out to save him. Again. He owes so much to the Milkoviches. He <em>knows </em>that. But it also feels like they're trying to sabotage him sometimes. Ur's the one that encouraged him not to speak to his father when he reached out three years ago. She spoke with Silver at the door the final time he came around, and Gray never heard from him again, except when the police came to his house to say he was dead.</p><p>Ultear is the one that dragged him to Jellal's apartment afterward and showed him that he <em>could </em>find ways not to think about things too much, he only had to cloud his thoughts with a drug, and when the first couple of years passed and that wasn't enough, he chose to cloud them with a boy that was committed to this push and pull they had.</p><p>If Gray were smart, he would have called it quits months ago. He can only conclude, as they turn the street and Jellal's lithe figure breaks the darkness, that he's not very savvy.</p><p>Jellal's smoking, the cherry lights up the plains of his face, and the tattoo that stretches from over his eye to his mouth. He always looks a bit dangerous, but tonight, his eyes have taken on a manic glint and Gray knows the hours following will be rife with violence, or fear, or mania. That's just the way Jellal is. Cold, or hot. Sometimes within the span of minutes.</p><p>They shouldn't go out tonight. They should find a quiet place to hole up, where they can all self-medicate and fall into the following quiet, but Ultear doesn't seem to see the danger or doesn't care. She's single-minded. Find her pet project, keep her from fucking up too badly by herself.</p><p>Gray entertains grabbing Ultear, shaking her, screaming, <em>what does it matter? You're the one that introduces Meredy to all this weird shit anyway</em>.</p><p>He doesn't because it would hurt her, though it's true. Ultear's never told Meredy to find Gajeel and see if Jose wanted another girl to walk circuits around Phantom. But she did introduce them one hot summer day when they crossed paths at Wong's Convenience, gave them a name to put the face to when they'd pass each other on the street. Like she introduced Meredy to Jellal.</p><p>Ultear's never encouraged Meredy to step off her precarious path, but she's never had to, either. Meredy's already weaving dangerously. All she needs is something to weave toward, and Ultear, and all the people she surrounds herself with, is it.</p><p>"Hey," Ultear greets Jellal when they're close enough.</p><p>Jellal's eyes brush over Gray and land on Ultear as if they didn't spend last night together. "Hey."</p><p>Gray is back to chewing the side of his tongue. <em>Don't try so hard, </em>Ultear says. He tries to be unaffected. Indifferent. Cold. Cold. Cold.</p><p>Jellal falls into step beside him. Their hands brush for an instant and Gray is hit with that old familiar thrill.</p><p>He knows he should make some distance between them to show Jellal he's uninterested tonight, but he doesn't move, and neither does Jellal, though he doesn't try to touch Gray again. He doesn't need to. Gray is a live wire. He feels everything arcing between them and almost effortlessly falls into the current.</p><hr/><p>Phantom is set up beside the pier. Every year, people stumble out of her doors and wander down the rocky finger that juts out into the lake. Every year, they climb the retaining wall, trying to get closer to the water, closer to freedom, and every year, they fall, or jump or fly, arms wide, and they're set free.</p><p>Gray has stood on that ledge a time or two. Ultear has stood there with him, some days asking him to climb down. Some days quiet, reflective, waiting for him to find the conviction to do something irreparable.</p><p>He doesn't think he ever will.</p><p>Threaten to, maybe. Think about it, absolutely. But let his toes leave the cement? Crash into the cold water? Leave the anger behind?</p><p>Noise from the club drifts down the street, shattering his reflection. Jellal seems to grow more alert beside him and Ultear, too. Both walk a little straighter as if they were made for this kind of place, flash and pomp and vice.</p><p>Gray scans the area for Meredy, the only one focused on their supposed goal here.</p><p>He finds her at the edge of the crowd, apart from the other girls walking circuits, looking slightly uncomfortable in her strappy and thin clothing and open, oversized coat, but determined to prove something. Her friend isn't far off, sitting stubbornly on a huge boulder and watching the scene. Her expression is bitter, like she'd just chewed five aspirin and has no water to wash the taste from her mouth, but also mildly interested. The interest withers away into something Gray can't read when she spots them.</p><p>He notes her wide eyes and small nose, her pursed lips, glossed but unpainted, all the things he didn't note about her before. She's beautiful in the broken glass kind of way, as it sparkles in the moonlight. Like Jellal, there is something sharp about her, something caustic. Something Gray tells himself to be wary of, for all the good warning himself away will do.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>And you know I'm loaded<br/>But not which chamber<br/>Touch me and I'll go<br/>Click click click click click</p><p>I'm a born villain.</p><hr/><p>Juvia has been to Phantom before, true, but she's never <em>seen </em>it, not like Meredy has. The world's a different place, inside versus out. Inside are lights—low, laughter—loud, and the astringent tang of booze. Outside is cold, desperation and a bit of menace when the right person looks your way. She's seen Meredy tense when people she doesn't trust stride up to her with wide grins primed, hands outstretched like she has something she might give them.</p><p>"This isn't a whorehouse," she tells those people. "Either go inside and watch the girls or move on."</p><p>Some tell her lines like, <em>when can I see you in there?</em></p><p>Meredy smiles and deals with them efficiently. She's someone else. Someone new, on Phantom's property.</p><p>Part of Juvia thinks, <em>she can handle this</em>. Another part of her thinks, <em>we must get out. Now.</em> There is only one way for this to end and Juvia's not ready for a tragedy.</p><p>"Don't look so glum," Meredy tells her from just a few feet away. She's on the outskirts or the circuit. Other girls, older, rougher, and more seasoned, are closer to the strip club. They pose like models with nothing inside, girls in skin suits, pleasers. Juvia wonders if Meredy tries to mimic them when she's here alone, and knows she gets the most attention, even off the beaten path, because she cannot.</p><p>"I'm not glum," Juvia says after too long. "I'm <em>contemplative</em>."</p><p>"Well, don't be so contemplative, you might scare away Jose's customers."</p><p><em>Doubt that, </em>Juvia thinks as Meredy bends over and waves a couple closer and gives her spiel about gorgeous girls, games, and drinks inside.</p><p>Once the people are roped into Phantom's seemingly hollow belly, Juvia says, "If I don't think about this, I'm afraid no one will."</p><p><em>That </em>gets Meredy's attention. She was so happy when Juvia agreed to come with her tonight, but she's been wary, waiting for Juvia to make a remark just like this one and denounce her choices. A guarded look comes into her eyes that Juvia hates. She doesn't like to see Meredy posed as if she's waiting for an attack, but Juvia can't seem to help herself.</p><p>"These people don't see you as a person." Juvia crosses her arms to make a point and help herself stand her ground.</p><p>"They don't have to see me as a person, they just have to go into the club," Meredy answers smoothly. "When they're inside, Jose pays. Come help me and maybe he'll pay you, too."</p><p>Juvia isn't sure what she's going to say when Ultear and her friends round the corner and come into view. Something uncharitable. Something that will strain their friendship, something she won't be able to revoke. Thankfully, she is distracted.</p><p>For a brief moment, something like fear starts across Meredy's face. It clears, and she becomes buoyant. "Ultear! Hi!"</p><p>Ultear's gaze settles on Juvia and Juvia's skin itches like she's rolled in hay. Ultear is winter-storm intense. She holds Gray's hand loosely in her own, as if preventing him from turning away or holding him steady in the turbulence of this sea.</p><p>"What are you doing here, Meredy?" Ultear asks, but she's still looking at Juvia. Juvia has the urge to pull her coat closed around her modest outfit and hide behind the fabric. She's not nearly as exposed as Meredy, conceding only to wearing a discreetly low-cut shirt to go with her tight pants, but she feels naked when Ultear looks at her.</p><p>"I skipped yesterday," Meredy says. "Jose needed someone to work tonight."</p><p>Finally, Ultear's eyes move away from Juvia and rest instead on Meredy. "You know Fridays are the worst days. You promised you wouldn't work weekends."</p><p>"I didn't have a choice." Meredy looks at the ground as she speaks like she's a child scolded.</p><p>"Is he trying to force you to work?" Ultear's voice takes on an edge of threat. Juvia's forced to look at her differently. The quiet girl that's inserted herself between these two dangerous-looking men is gone and Juvia can only see a blade, hungry for the spill of blood.</p><p>"No," Meredy shakes her head. "It's just that he already paid me for last night, so I had to make it up."</p><p>Ultear's expression takes a turn. She seethes disappointment that Meredy almost buckles under. She has power, real power over Meredy. Meredy respects her in a way she doesn't respect Juvia. But still, Meredy doesn't yield. Not completely.</p><p>"I have to finish up tonight, I've already started."</p><p>Ultear sucks on her front teeth and pushes her lip out. "Fine," she concedes. "But I'm walking you home after."</p><p>Meredy wriggles again in discomfort. "That's okay."</p><p>"You're right. It <em>is </em>okay. So go on, finish up."</p><p>Meredy opens her mouth, closes it again, says nothing in the end. Juvia feels badly for her for an instant. It was hard enough for her to do this with Juvia as an audience. Now she has three other people watching her. But if Ultear hopes to humiliate Meredy to the point where she won't participate, she doesn't know Meredy very well. She's stubborn to a fault and committed, even to things bad for her.</p><p>When the next stranger walks down the entertainment strip, Meredy sucks in a huge breath and gets to work engaging them. It's the best performance she's put on all night. Juvia thinks she's magic, watching the display. Meredy is sultry without being gratuitous, convincing without bribing, and always manages to keep her distance, like a rabbit coyly luring wolves into a trap.</p><p>Ultear settles onto the boulder beside Juvia. She smells like incents and her coat puffs up around her. "She's good at this," she tells Juvia.</p><p>"Yeah," Juvia agrees.</p><p>"Just because we're good at something doesn't mean we should do it, though."</p><p>The comment is pointed. "I asked her to stay home." For some reason, Juvia finds it very important Ultear thinks highly of her. She feels a flush crawling up her neck to her cheeks. Every eye is on her. Again, she wonders where Meredy found these people and doesn't know how Meredy finds it in herself to disregard <em>anything </em>any of them say.</p><p>Jellal settles onto the boulder on Ultear's other side and pulls out his pipe. Juvia watches from the corner of her eye as he packs it with something crystalline she can't identify and then lights it. The smoke is thick and pungent. It's odd to her, but whatever it is, it doesn't make more than a couple heads turn in front of Phantom.</p><p><em>Dangerous, </em>Juvia thinks, because only danger can advert the eye quite like this.</p><hr/><p>Ultear likes breakable things. She used to think it was because she wanted to fix them, glue them back together, make the pieces fit in a way they used to. Jellal suggested she wanted to watch them fall apart and now she doesn't know which is true. What's better, the breakdown or the buildup?</p><p>As she watches Meredy call clients to Phantom, she doesn't know the answer. Both? Neither? It could be only that she enjoys the way she's needed in the breakdown. God knows, she likes the way Gray needs her after Jellal casts him aside. No one has ever wanted her like that before, as though she could <em>fix </em>something, she, the unfixable girl.</p><p>As if sensing her mood mirroring his own, Jellal passes Ultear his pipe. She takes it, watches Meredy, looks at the brown-stained glass, back at Meredy. It's only when she's not watching does Ultear put the glass against her lips and breathe shallowly. She doesn't dare hold it until it burns and lets the smoke out sooner than she's ready. It still manages to cloud the sky and her thoughts, the tumult of emotions, every inch of her until she doesn't know who Ultear Milkovich is any longer and has become someone else. A ghost of her old self.</p><p>Meredy looks back at her. Ultear feels a part of her shrink and become small. Meredy was supposed to make her be better. She was supposed to see the path of right and wrong and choose the one that would be best for Meredy.</p><p>She is supposed to be <em>good enough</em>.</p><p>Meredy tells her she is when she needs it.</p><p><em>Goddamn, </em>Ultear thinks. Meredy turns away. Ultear takes another hit. She can feel Jellal's arm behind her back. It reaches for Gray, who finds a place between her and Juvia. She's caught between them like a rubber band stretched too tight. She was built to be strained, though, and relishes in that, too, this push and pull between them. Gray's obvious want and Jellal's cool dismissal until he's thinking too much about the <em>could have beens </em>in his life, <em>including </em>Gray, she's sure, and he breaks, gives into Gray's wants, probably thinking he's merely satisfying his own.</p><p>They're both so stupid. She hates them as much as she loves them, most days.</p><p>A man twice as big and twice as old as Meredy breaks away from his laughing friends and approaches her at a swagger. Confidence. This is a man unused to being denied. Seeing him, Meredy tries to look busy, turning back to Ultear as if for distraction. Whatever she sees in Ultear's expression makes her face forward again.</p><p>There is something about Meredy's movements that puts Ultear on high alert. Jellal feels her tensing and tenses himself. Gray follows suit, pausing in reaching for the pipe held loosely in Ultear's hand. Meredy's friend goes still, too. Her hair looks more white than blue under the shoddy streetlamp and her eyes are blown wide as if to take in as much information as possible. She might not be street savvy like Meredy is, but she knows when something is amiss.</p><p>"I've been looking for you for days, Meredy," drawls the man. He's already had alcohol, judging by the slur in his voice.</p><p>"Not now, Mard."</p><p>Ultear catches Meredy starting to look over her shoulder again. She stops last-second, as if realizing the weakness and wanting to crush it.</p><p>"You don't want to ever, anymore. You won't return my calls; hell, you'll barely look at me."</p><p>Meredy's shoulders get tight and straight. "Go away."</p><p>In defiance, Mard steps forward. Ultear stands without realizing the conscious decision to do so. Her back is cold where Jellal touched her. Gray stands beside her without being asked. He's always doing stuff like that, as if they really <em>are </em>family, as if he really <em>would </em>go to the ends of the earth for her. She's done nothing to garner his loyalty but she's thankful for it just the same when Mard tries to put his arm around Meredy despite her protests and Ultear does something unthinkable and lashes out.</p><p>Her hand hurts. She can't think of a time she's ever punched someone past third grade, and no one's prepared her for the sting in her knuckles that radiates to her elbow or the way her heart pumps with wild adrenaline.</p><p>She's moved Mard back a few inches, drawn blood across his cheek from her ring. She expected him to go down, though, and he still stands. He fixes her with one of the most menacing stares she's ever seen and lunges for her. Gray steps between them and punches him harder than Ultear did. His knuckles split and the stench of blood soaks the air as Mard's nose explodes. There's swearing, threats, cursing, none of which Ultear can hear with her blood throbbing in her ears.</p><p>When Mard moves to retaliate, Gray hits him again and knocks him to the ground this time. Ultear watches, sure he's going to fall on the other man and start beating the life from him. He's been furious and looking for a release for days. Weeks. Months. Years. God help the soul he unleashes on.</p><p>"Hey!" whips a voice from the club.</p><p>Gray stops with his arm cocked back. Mard doesn't move beneath him, breathing heavy, waiting for more violence to start, posed and calm.</p><p>"Get the fuck off of him." As the voice draws nearer, Ultear recognizes it. Jose, in the flesh. He rarely ventures out of Phantom's walls but has made an exception tonight. His eyes are narrowed on Meredy, not Gray, though he speaks to the latter. "How dare you lay hands on my guests?"</p><p>"He was touching her," Ultear seems to be the only one willing to speak. "I thought no one was allowed to touch your girls, Jose? Especially the ones outside."</p><p>His face is an ugly shade of pink. "Mister Mard is a <em>special </em>guest."</p><p>"I guess that means he can abuse your staff."</p><p>"He's not abusing her, Miss Milkovich, he's fond of her. Know the difference," Jose says coolly.</p><p>Which is the exact same thing he said last time Meredy complained that Mard had put his hands on her.</p><p>"You're a piece of shit." Ultear tries to work up the saliva to spit at his feet but her mouth is too dry, and her head is spinning too violently. She needs to lie down soon, or laugh like a loon, or wander to the edge of the pier and stare at the sky. She needs to just be high and to stop trying to act normal. She needs Meredy to come home.</p><p>"You're trespassing," Jose barks. He moves stiltedly, to Ultear, pushing Gray back and pulling Mard up by his long-fingered hand, all the while casting a glare that's more like a curse. "Get off my property or you'll be forcibly removed."</p><p>"Mister Porla—" Meredy starts. She reaches out with chapped hands as if she can grab the threads of this unbecoming scene and knit it back together.</p><p>"You too, Meredy. Go home," Jose snaps. "You're fired."</p><p>Meredy reels back as if struck. "Fired? No. No, Mister Porla, please, I—"</p><p>"Get off my <em>property!</em>" Jose explodes.</p><p>Again, Ultear is the first to mobilize. She wraps her arm around Meredy's shoulder and starts to lead her away. Meredy pushes her off and stomps off by herself. Ultear thinks about chasing after her but she's going in the direction of Ultear's apartment, so she hangs back beside Jellal. Meredy's friend and Gray tag along behind them.</p><p>"That was the first time I've seen you hit someone." Jellal smiles. "You really care about her, huh?"</p><p>"Yea." <em>I guess I do.</em> That's scary. She's hardly ever cared about anyone as much as she cares about herself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Where are you going<br/>My serotonin<br/>I'm feelin' alone, and the world is so cold<br/>It's hard to focus<br/>Without oxytocin<br/>Love is an ocean I can't control</p><hr/><p>Gray's knuckles burn. He knows it will hurt but keeps touching them anyway, sliding the fingers of his left hand over the back of his right. He can't remember the last time he's punched someone, or how good it felt to let some steam off, but he's buzzing now and wishes he had someone else to take it out on in the same way.</p><p>
  <em>You're so angry all the time.</em>
</p><p>Ultear's right. He would give anything to scream at the world, pull it apart limb by limb. <em>Destroy </em>this city. It's been nothing but horror in his short life.</p><p>But he won't because he needs it as much as he hates it. What's beyond it but more unknown, more heartbreak?</p><p>Gray's had enough to last a lifetime.</p><p>Meredy's friend walks by his side. Her head is down, and her hair covers most of her face, but he thinks she's chewing her lip until it's bloody because on occasion, she lifts a hand up to dab the red away. Silently, he asks, <em>are you alright</em>? She can't hear anything in his mind, though, and doesn't respond.</p><p>Gray clears his throat. "Meredy didn't like being grabbed like that," is what he says instead of <em>sorry</em>.</p><p>Juvia looks up, startled. Blood is crusted in the corner of her lip, just like Gray thought. She's nearly chewed a hole in the flesh. His stare makes her self-conscious. She takes out a bottle before his eyes and shakes out a small pink pill. He catches sight of the front of the bottle and reads <em>Divalproex. </em>A mood stabilizer. He knows because his doctors considered putting him on it for a while after his father died, before they decided his depression was treatable with bupropion instead.</p><p>Gray wants to tell her it's okay. She doesn't need to be self-conscious in this group. Each of them has their own baggage to cart around, their own bags of pills they should be taking, likely, but he doesn't say a word. He's been in her position before and knows the familiar pressure of societal expectation, and knows this act of compliance, taking her medication, will make her feel better in her mind, if not in truth.</p><p>Juvia clear her throat, coughs a little, the pill stuck in it. "Does it happen often? That—that stuff at Phantom?"</p><p>They're the first words she's spoken to him directly. Her voice is a little rusty, a little high; he can't tell if it's her normal cadence or if it's just because she's stressed.</p><p>"It's not a good spot." Gray keeps his own voice low to not attract Meredy's attention up at the front of the group. She looks ready to snap, stalking ahead like she can outrun the scene they left behind. He understands. She had one thing in this world she made for herself, and he and Ultear fucked it up for her. His statement is true, though, it's <em>not </em>a good place and she's better off trying to get a job as a server or something. It won't pay as well, but she won't have to worry about guys like Mard thinking she owes him something just because he <em>wants </em>it.</p><p>Juvia goes back to worrying her lip. When she busts through the outer layer of skin and blood starts to dribble down her chin, Gray hands her a napkin from his pocket without a word. She accepts it and cleans the mess up, hiding behind her curtain of hair. He wants to tell her, too, to be nicer to herself, but he doesn't do that, either. Guilt has a strange way of manifesting and takes them all differently. Who is he to say how she should punish herself?</p><p>Ultear's apartment moulds out of the darkness. Meredy hesitates and shortens her steps. Gray waits for her to peel off and head back to the safehouse, but her feet keep moving in the same direction, as if pulled by an invisible force, and soon, she's letting herself into Ultear's garage loft. She's far enough ahead that she can close the door on them.</p><p>Ultear pauses before opening it. She leans against the siding. Moonlight trickles down and shines through her dark hair. Her skin is paler than usual, and Gray thinks it's Jellal's drugs. Jellal looks glassy but mostly cognizant as he stands at Ultear's side, waiting for her to make her move. He smokes a cigarette. Ultear eventually takes it from him and kills the rest of it. Juvia watches the whole scene silently, shifting back and forth on occasion and staring worriedly up at the sided building. Gray can read her as easily as he might a book. She's worried about Meredy, but mostly, now, she's worried if Ultear's going to let her in to get her.</p><p>Gray almost laughs at her.</p><p>Almost. Because she's just Ultear's type, lost, confused, pretty as pink. He doesn't because it doesn't seem fair. Even when Ultear's trying to fix things, she breaks them, and this girl will be another corpse amongst her casualties.</p><p>"Let me talk to her first," Ultear eventually says. She stabs the cigarette out on the wall and leaves behind a smear of ash. "Don't say anything. Either of you." She looks between Gray and Jellal and her threat is clear. She <em>will </em>exact punishment on them if they interfere. Gray has no doubt; it's Jellal he's worried about, who seems to want chaos wherever he goes.</p><p>Ultear spins on her heel and enters the apartment without another word. The door slams behind her before Juvia can follow her through. She startles back and blinks at the barrier.</p><p>Jellal slings his arm around her in a much more companionable way than Mard did to Meredy and turns her toward the back of the house. "Let's give them a minute before we party-crash, eh?"</p><p>Juvia complies without protest, perhaps shocked into submission. Jellal is like that, able to make you feel like you belong without trying very hard, or making you feel special with just a gaze, a touch, a smile.</p><p>Gray follows them out into the back yard. The moonlight guides their way and the snow between the house and the garage crunches beneath his feet. The air bites his lungs with each breath.</p><p>There's a picnic table in the back, dusted with snow. Jellal uses his sleeve and brushes off a spot for all three of them. He plunks himself in the middle, exactly where he likes to be, and forces Juvia and Gray to sit around him. Once everyone has settled, he pulls out his pipe again and lights it, filling the air with acrid smoke and the ghosts of laughter. Gray wants to feel nothing almost as much as he wants to feel something and knows Jellal is the same way, the same way he knows Jellal will be back in his bed tonight.</p><hr/><p>Juvia watches the pipe go between Gray and Jellal. She's hypnotized by the smoke the way a snake might be, and overwhelmed. She doesn't do things like this, the same way she doesn't walk into places like Phantom, but she has, and she does. Does everyone who does this feel this way, like they don't belong? And when do they start believing that they <em>do</em>?</p><p>"Does Meredy sit out here with you?" Juvia asks. She's asked Meredy the same question, but Juvia didn't believe her then, and it is a surprise to see she <em>still </em>doesn't. And she wants the answer. The truth. She wants to see the Meredy beneath years of friendship and loyalty and expectation. She wants to know everything.</p><p>"Are you going to hate her if I tell you?" It's Jellal that asks. Juvia almost squirms beneath his stare. He's as intense as a storm, twice as unforgiving and three times as mean, she thinks, though she has no proof.</p><p>"Of course not," Juvia says automatically, but she hasn't thought her answer through and doesn't know for sure. <em>Will </em>she hate Meredy for moving on without her? Very likely. That's just the person she is. Something like this will drive a wedge between them and she doesn't know if she can pull it out.</p><p>Jellal leans into Juvia; he presses his mouth against her ear. He's warm, his breath and his skin, and rough with stubble. A small spike of uncertainty goes through Juvia. She's never been this close to anyone she wasn't intimate with and she doesn't know how to handle Jellal's inhibition. Does he not have any breaks? Any boundaries?</p><p>But of course not. Not someone like him. it's just the night air, and Juvia's own morals setting the foundation for their relationship, and honestly? She doesn't trust herself. Not in much. Is <em>she </em>expected to set the boundaries here? Does she want to? How will it be if she does what she always seems to and lets the man take the lead?</p><p>It's all too complex and she can't find her way out of the questions and expectations and familiar roles.</p><p>Jellal moves her hair aside using his nose and whispers in her ear. His breath is hot, making her shiver, and his voice is low and intimate enough to make her shiver from her head to her feet. Fire moves through her.</p><p>"She asks," he tells her. "Sometimes, she begs."</p><p>"But you tell her no."</p><p>"I don't tell her anything," he answers. "Ultear is our saint with the moral compass. I'm on for the ride. Trying to see where it'll eventually take me."</p><p>Anything Jellal <em>did </em>believe in, he doesn't anymore. Greatness? He's tasted it, and defeat, has swung between the ups and the downs, has ridden the pendulum long enough to know it comes to rest at its lowest arc. It's no fun.</p><p>"You would give it to her?" Juvia isn't sure if she should be furious or curious. <em>It's Meredy</em>, she reminds herself. impressionable, lonely Meredy.</p><p>Jellal leans his back into the snow on the top of the table and leaves his body impression. "We're not kids anymore. None of us. The world isn't shiny and new and forgiving. Bad shit happens. You either deal with it, or you don't. either way, you're medicating."</p><p>Juvia fingers the bottle of pills in her pocket. She doesn't know anything about them other than they're supposed to work, and sometimes, it doesn't feel like they do.</p><p>"I know," he says. "It's enough to make you feel crazy. Best just to give in and hold on for the ride." Jellal sits up, stands. He's tall, and lithe, and when the light shines on him as it does now, and hides his face, he seems mad. Juvia is afraid and intrigued, which is a dangerous way to be when facing someone both charismatic and sociopathic.</p><p>Jellal's feet crunch in the snow, getting more and more distant until Juvia hears Ultear's door open and he disappears inside. Then it's just her and Gray, sitting with a Jellal-shaped spot between them. Juvia pulls her knees in and looks at the sky rather than him. He keeps staring at her, as if she has something interesting to contribute, but she's so far out of her element, she doesn't know what to think or what to say.</p><p>Gray is the first to break the silence. "Jellal is a cynic."</p><p>"You don't think we all medicate? That it's all fruitless?"</p><p>Juvia doesn't realize how much she wants him to denounce Jellal until he agrees. She feels like she's falling as he says, "No, we definitely do." He pauses. She feels his eyes on her and must turn in that direction. "It's the degree to which we commit, how much we run from it. Our demons will always catch up."</p><p>"You sound like you've done a lot of running."</p><p>"All my life," he says immediately, but then doesn't say anything else, making her believe he hadn't meant to say anything at all.</p><p>"Me, too," Juvia says, and part of it is to make him feel better, and part of it is because it's the truth.</p><p>Gray smiles briefly before standing. "Let's go in."</p><p>Juvia looks up at him. The moonlight has shadowed him the same way it shadowed Jellal, but he doesn't seem as menacing when he holds out his hand. She takes it, feeling warm all over for the first time in hours, even when he releases her a second later.</p><p>The apartment door is slightly ajar, as if Jellal expected them to immediately follow. Juvia probably would have if she didn't have someone else to sit beside. He's that kind of person, demanding that kind of loyalty. She can't decide if she likes him or hates him. All she knows for certain is that he's no good.</p><p>Ultear is on the couch and Jellal sits beside her. They lean forward, talking, until Gray and Juvia enter the room, then they sit back. Ultear's dark eyes sear into Juvia, hold her in place. Juvia waits to feel the accusation in them, but all she sees is something she doesn't know how to decipher.</p><p>"She's in the bathroom," Ultear announces.</p><p>Gray looks like he might find Meredy, but once he sees Juvia has committed to the quest, he sits opposite Jellal and Ultear, leaning back into one of the armchairs Ultear's set up in her living room.</p><p>Juvia doesn't know the apartment and no one seems willing to give her a tour, so she wanders, wide-eyed in the dim light, looking for the washroom.</p><p>A slice of light cuts through the darkness upstairs. Juvia follows it into an area thick with the scent of incents. She hesitates before she taps on the door, knowing how she feels when her father disturbs her when she's upset. She's never felt that way for Meredy, though, and tells herself it's not the same.</p><p>"Fuck off," Meredy says immediately. Her voice is hoarse and broken.</p><p>"I just want to talk."</p><p>Meredy pauses. "I don't."</p><p>Juvia presses her cheek against the cold doorway. "I don't need you to answer. Just to believe me."</p><p>Meredy is quiet.</p><p>Juvia swallows. "Everything will work out."</p><p>She knows those are the wrong words to say even before Meredy snaps, "This was my <em>job, </em>Juvia. It's the only thing I've ever had that was <em>mine</em>. I needed it."</p><p>Yes. Okay. She needed it. Saying <em>there will be others </em>seems like belittling Meredy's position and any accomplishment she felt getting it.</p><p>"I was going to get an apartment." Meredy sniffles loudly. "I was going to support myself. Do you know how hard that is?"</p><p>It's a rhetorical question and any answer Juvia gives will incite a riot so she remains quiet.</p><p>"I just wanted to do something <em>right</em>," Meredy complains. "I just—wanted something for my own. Why does it always have to get so fucked up?"</p><p>"Ultear was just trying to protect you," Juvia says before she can stop herself. "That guy was a creep."</p><p>The door flies open and Meredy stares out at her, red-eyed and watery. "Neither of you know him!"</p><p>"We don't <em>have </em>to! We know his type." Juvia's volume matches Meredy's without her consent. She bites her lip in the grooves she made earlier, afraid she's scared Meredy off with her outburst. When Meredy doesn't slam the door again, Juvia adds, "He was a creep."</p><p>Meredy looks like she might scream or hit her. She deflates instead. "He's one guy. The rest aren't like that. I've already told Jose about it and he said he'd deal with it."</p><p><em>By firing you,</em> Juvia thinks.</p><p>Seeing her expression, Meredy starts to close the door again. Juvia risks her fingers by grabbing the door and pushing it open.</p><p>"Leave me alone," Meredy says, though there's not much fury behind her words any longer.</p><p>Juvia remains where she is, still holding the door. "What if I fixed it?"</p><p>Meredy's response comes immediately. "You can't."</p><p>"What if I tried?" Juvia searches her eyes, sees nothing but a wall there for scaling. "Please, Meredy. You should have all the things you deserve." Right up until she doesn't want them anymore. "Let me talk to Jose. Let me smooth it over. I'm sure I'll get through to him."</p><p>"You don't know Jose."</p><p>"True. But you have nothing to lose." Juvia smiles a little. "Just let me try."</p><p>Meredy sighs and Juvia knows she's won. Meredy lets go of the door and Juvia moves into the fluorescent light. It's ugly. It's harsh. It makes Meredy look and even feel like a ghost as Juvia pulls her in for a hug.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>Hey, if you don't mind<br/>I think there's something wrong with a friend of mine<br/>She's wasting away all her time<br/>Looking through the past for something<br/>You'll feel it coming, her mind's a running</p>
  <hr/>
  <p>There is pleasure in pain. For Gray, it's not physical, but he feels it like it could be. Jellal's fingers cut into his hips and his thighs meet Gray's backside, reminding him of this. Gray grips the windowsill for support and barely looks at his partner. Jellal's eyes are closed anyway. Who knows what he envisions when they're like this.</p>
  <p>A pressure builds in Gray's lower abdomen. He grips the windowsill harder, Jellal's arm harder, digs his toes into the mattress harder, bracing. Jellal's frantic pace increases until Gray comes. It shoots all up Jellal's chest and his neck, getting some on his cheek, too.</p>
  <p>Jellal continues as if nothing has changed, though for Gray, it does.</p>
  <p>The sensation of being fucked alters, moves from something moderate into something desperate, and Jellal holds him up. His muscles strain and bulge as he slams into Gray, too loud for Gray's liking, but Jellal's never cared before, so why should he now? Gray waits, holds his breath, rides it out.</p>
  <p>When Jellal orgasms, he pushes himself deeply into Gray and fills the condom.</p>
  <p>They sit like that for a moment, the darkness broken by their haggard breaths and a slew of unsaid things between them. Too many things, and somehow not enough. Gray is hit again by the realization that they <em>both </em>need this. It's not just him. Jellal, too, has a dependency, regardless of if he acknowledges it. Gray should say something. Find the words to turn this <em>nothing </em>into <em>something</em>. He doesn't know if he wants to bother, though, and remains silent.</p>
  <p>Jellal's grip releases first, his fingers loosening one by one on Gray's backside. Gray can feel the impression still. He'll have marks there.</p>
  <p>He gets off Jellal's lap and sits on the edge of the bed. His heart bangs in his ears so loudly, he almost misses Jellal asking, "What do you think will happen to her?"</p>
  <p>It's very rare for Jellal to care about anyone that hasn't spent months worming their way into his life, so he isn't asking about Juvia, and Ultear's taken good care of herself for as long as they've known each other, so he must be asking about Meredy.</p>
  <p>"She'll fall through the cracks," Gray says. He still sounds wispy and out of breath.</p>
  <p>"Meaning?"</p>
  <p>Jellal knows <em>exactly </em>what Gray means, but he wants to hear it spoken aloud. "She'll end up like us."</p>
  <p>Jellal grins. "She's already like us."</p>
  <p>Gray gnaws his cheek and finds a familiar groove for his teeth. <em>There's still a chance for her, </em>he thinks. The things he doesn't say could fill a library.</p>
  <p>"What's so wrong with that?" Jellal continues.</p>
  <p>"Yeah. What's so wrong with being a nobody?" It's rhetorical and Jellal doesn't try to answer it.</p>
  <p>Gray feels Jellal's eyes on his body as he stands and grabs his pants and his zip-up hoody. He doesn't expect to be followed and isn't disappointed when Jellal remains on the bed, bathed in the winter moonlight that dares slide through the window.</p>
  <p>The stairs are new and don't betray his movements. When he gets downstairs, Meredy is on the couch, passed out and snoring gently. There's a spot at the other end with a pillow where he assumes Juvia was supposed to sleep but it's empty. The bathroom light is on, though.</p>
  <p>Gray eases himself outside, into the cold air. He doesn't have it in him to go very far, or anywhere to go, for that matter, and sits right there on the step. He takes a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lights one with a zippo he cleared from his father's apartment after he passed. The smoke is toxic and bitter, familiar, but it makes him feel a bit hollow to be smoking alone. Usually, he has someone to share with, Jellal or Ultear.</p>
  <p>The door opens and he thinks he's getting his wish, but it's Juvia that tiptoes out, closing the door behind her silently. She doesn't yet know Gray's there, her back turned to him as she eases the door and its frame together.</p>
  <p>"Are you going back home?" Gray asks at almost his normal volume. No one can hear them out here.</p>
  <p>Juvia squeals and whirls on him. Her fists are clenched as if she means to punch him. he raises his eyebrows. He didn't expect her to be much of a fighter, given her quiet demeanor, but here she is, ready to deck him.</p>
  <p>"Sorry. I wouldn't have sat right here if I thought I'd be the only insomniac."</p>
  <p>Juvia gradually releases her fists. She clears her throat. "I'm—going back to Phantom."</p>
  <p>Gray's eyebrows raise again. "You are?"</p>
  <p>"Yeah."</p>
  <p>"Why?"</p>
  <p>She draws in a breath and straightens her shoulders. "Meredy needs a job. I'm going to get it back for her."</p>
  <p>Gray hardly misses a beat. Juvia seems like the patron saint of lost causes. "Sure, she needs a job, but she doesn't need Phantom."</p>
  <p>Juvia glances aside. "It's the only thing she has, and I ruined it for her."</p>
  <p>Gray knows about ruining things for others, so he doesn't say anything in response, but he does stand once Juvia starts walking, and follows her past Ur's car and onto the street.</p>
  <p>It's not yet one, but it's quiet the way one might expect suburbia to be, but Magnolia never is. Gray can hear his feet on the pavement, and Juvia's. She's in a pair of tall boots that fit over a pair of jeans with the legs so ripped up, Gray doesn't think they'll hold her thighs as they press against the distressed fabric. Overtop she wears a coat cut high-low, doing up around her waist at the front and falling to almost her heels at the back. She's dressed to impress a man like Jose, but that's never a good idea and Gray only sees trouble.</p>
  <p>Come back to Ul's, he thinks but never says. Then he finds the groove for his teeth again and chews. This time, he tastes copper.</p>
  <p>"You don't have to come with me, you know," Juvia says. She's just a pace in front of him and doesn't bother looking back as she speaks.</p>
  <p>"It's late."</p>
  <p>"You think I haven't been out in the city at night before?" She's all mockery and for a moment, Gray feels stupid.</p>
  <p>"I wouldn't let anyone come out here alone," he says at last. "It's not about how capable you are. It's not smart. I don't want to see you get hurt."</p>
  <p>He can see her steps falter before picking up again. He doesn't know what he's said wrong this time, but Juvia keeps ahead of him and won't let him see her face. He's not very good at easing situations anyway and doesn't bother asking her what's bothering her.</p>
  <p>"Have you and Jellal been together long?" she asks after a few moments have passed and the scenery changes from row upon row of houses to the occasional store and apartment.</p>
  <p>It's Gray's turn to falter. "Oh, we're not…" he trails off.</p>
  <p>"Okay." She says in a way that is so disingenuous, Gray earns a little more respect for her.</p>
  <p>"Just sometimes." He doesn't know why he's bothering to explain. She's a stranger. He doesn't care what she thinks. "We're friends first."</p>
  <p>"Are you?"</p>
  <p><em>Are we?</em> He thinks about Jellal's knife-edge smiles and his cutting eyes. His endless need. The time they spend on the picnic table when they should be laughing but are staring hollowly instead, and the nights they sneak into each other's space, desperate to feel something in a world with a lot of nothing.</p>
  <p>He doesn't have another word for what they are, though.</p>
  <p>"Yeah."</p>
  <p>They fall into step again, an almost comfortable rhythm, Juvia just ahead of him and Gray watching the swing of her shoulders as she walks steadily on toward something she doesn't understand.</p>
  <p>"Jose won't welcome you in with open arms, and if he does, you'll have trouble."</p>
  <p>"I thought that's why you were following me around?" Juvia is a little more unforgiving with her tone and Gray gets the impression his presence is not welcome here. He considers turning around and letting her do this on her own, but he thinks about Ultear and her own lopsided morals and what she would do, and what she would say to him if she knew Gray abandoned her when the city started to get rough and dark and he knows he never will leave, regardless of if Juvia wants him to. For some reason, Ultear's opinion of him matters. Probably because no one else's does.</p>
  <p>He sighs internally and matches Juvia's step, pulling up even with her. This time, her hair isn't hiding her face. Her cheeks are round and bitten pink by the cold. Her bottom lip is slightly swollen from chewing and her eyes reflect the light of the moon like glass orbs. She's not a traditional beauty, but an intense one. The kind people see on the street and want to break simply because they enjoy it. The kind the Jose will immediately love. She's just the kind of girl that will do well for a place like Phantom. She won't thrive, though. She'll suffocate, giving the club everything she has until there's nothing left.</p>
  <p>"He'll try to recruit you."</p>
  <p><em>That </em>makes Juvia stop. Finally. Her eyes find his and it feels like a thorn has pricked into his chest, uncomfortable and itchy. She's almost as intense as Jellal, another flower for Ultear to add to her collection. "You can't know that."</p>
  <p>"I've lived in this city long enough; I know the kind of girls Jose likes."</p>
  <p>Juvia starts walking again. "Even if he tries, I'll tell him no."</p>
  <p>Gray remains at her side. "People in this town who need him, don't say no to Jose."</p>
  <p>"Then I'll say yes, if he gives Meredy her job back."</p>
  <p>"Then you'll be just like Meredy."</p>
  <p>Juvia stops again. "And that's a bad thing?" She looks up at him defiantly. There's a wind that tangles the ends of her blue hair and pulls at her clothing, pushing her forward, as if begging her to continue onward to Phantom, to Jose. Gray never knows if he believes in things like fate. He barely thinks of them, truth be told, unless he's standing on the precipice of some big change, then he starts to question that around him.</p>
  <p>When Gray doesn't answer her, Juvia lifts her chin. "Go back to Ultear's and leave me alone." Then she steps around him and continues into the dark as fearless as any warrior.</p>
  <hr/>
  <p>Juvia listens for Gray behind her but can't hear his footsteps. When she gathers up the nerve to glance back, she's alone. She should feel relieved, she's the one that told him to go, after all, but she's nervous and out of her element and longs for company, even if that company is that of an almost-stranger.</p>
  <p>Juvia can hear Phantom before she can see it. Bass verily shakes the street. Almost like a war drum. <em>Thud. Thud. Thud. </em>Or a heart going off in her ears.</p>
  <p><em>You're fine</em>, she tells herself, and thinks about why she's doing this. She's never seen Meredy with red-rimmed eyes before. She's always been positive, even when things are at their worst, but tonight, she looked defeated, worn thin, a wet rag hung out to dry in strange, wrinkled ways. Juvia doesn't want that for her best friend. She wants the best for Meredy, always.</p>
  <p>So when Phantom takes shape in the darkness, Juvia approaches the door with her chin up and her shoulders squared, as though she's meant to be in a place like this.</p>
  <p>There's a bouncer at the door. He checks her ID, scrutinizing the picture because in it, her hair isn't yet blue as an ocean. Juvia waits with feigned patience while he studies her nose structure and eye shape. Eventually, he grunts and waves her on into the den of shadows.</p>
  <p>Phantom closes around her like a flower at night. It's humid, hot air, hot bodies, closed space, it's loud, straight walls for the sound to reverb against, and yet, also structureless in the dim light. Juvia can just barely see three feet ahead of her, to where bodies are posed on a stairway, girls, and boys, dressed in almost nothing, smiling with strawberry-coloured mouths instead of reaching out to caress her, though it feels the same as though they were.</p>
  <p>"I need to find Jose," Juvia says to a girl who leans in at first to hear her speak.</p>
  <p>The girl shakes her head.</p>
  <p>Juvia purses her lips and moves onto a very tall and very wide boy. She repeats her demand word-for-word. He looks on with blue eyes the same colour as winter ice. There is nothing friendly behind his expression. Nothing malleable.</p>
  <p>She tries the next. And the one after that. Everyone responds to her the same way: not at all.</p>
  <p>Juvia is <em>this close </em>to making a scene when she catches sight of someone up on the main floor. He's at the bar leaning into the bartender to say something. His suit is audacious, blue jacquard, his hair is pinned back in a ponytail. His eyes are serious and lined with coal, and his mouth is much the same, painted black. He's striking in an intimidating way, drawing the eye but never encouraging it to linger.</p>
  <p>This is her man. Juvia is sure of it.</p>
  <p>Like he senses her gaze, Jose turns and locks eyes with her and at once, she knows she's found more trouble than she's ready for.</p>
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>And as I watch you disappear into the ground<br/>My one mistake was that I couldn't let you down<br/>So I'll waste my time and I'll burn my mind<br/>I'm Miss Nothing, I'm Miss Everything</p><hr/><p>The bar throbs around Juvia like a heart. One beat. A gap of nothing. The next. A light moves on stage, bright, and then dark. Like her thoughts. I can do this. I'm going to be ruined.</p><p>But she's being dramatic. One action. One <em>event </em>can't ruin a person, can it?</p><p>The truth is, she hasn't known many people in her life to tell. Hasn't cared to. Either they're who came <em>before </em>Meredy, or they're Meredy. She doesn't have a large group of friends like some to make a good sample size. Doesn't think she could manage even if it were offered to her. She's always kind, but she's a loner by nature.</p><p>Jose narrows in on her like a bat on a mosquito. Juvia, who pursued him just a few moments ago, feels like she's walked into a trap. She cannot move under his scrutiny, and honestly, where would she go? Back to Ultear's empty handed is unacceptable, especially when she made her proclamation to Gray. This must <em>mean </em>something.</p><p>So she stands with her chin up while Jose leaves the bar and descends the stairs to her side. She remains still as he leans in close, breathing his coffee and whisky-laced breath in her face, only animating when he asks her name and pauses for a response.</p><p>"Juvia."</p><p>"Can I get you a drink, Juvia?"</p><p>She would love something that might make this grovelling easier, but alcohol has never been her friend, it's only caused trouble in her life. "I'm okay."</p><p>"Are you here with friends? Perhaps they might want something? How about a private booth?" He speaks to her but he's not looking in her eyes, he's studying her. Juvia realizes she has the advantage here, no matter how she might feel. Men like Jose are happy to give up command if they think they might get something in return. She will give him something. She will. If she gets.</p><p>"I actually came here to see you. Privately."</p><p>Jose pulls back in surprise, but he doesn't hesitate, or look at her in a misgiving way, as others might. He smiles, slow, catlike, and stands straighter. "Should we go into my office?"</p><p>Going <em>anywhere </em>with him feels like a mistake. She can't see any other way. "Please."</p><p>People stare as they cross the floor together. Some girls look at her with jealousy, others with pity, and she wants to scream at both. She's not like them, she wants to yell. She's not going to do anything that requires their pity. She's never been a girl to be jealous over.</p><p>Jose climbs up the stairs to the bar, bypasses the bartender, into the shadows at the back, where Juvia can barely see an inch in front of her face. She's at once nervous. More nervous than she was coming to this place. She doesn't know this man. She could be walking into the misconducting of her life and who the fuck would believe her? A runaway. A nobody.</p><p><em>You're better than that, </em>she tells herself. <em>You're Juvia Lockser, and your dad may not have given you much, but he taught you to be proud, so be proud.</em></p><p>She rolls her shoulders back as Jose opens a door leading into an office and slides by him like a woman of authority. She wishes she dressed more conservatively, and not how she was expected, though to be honest, she is the most clean-cut girl in the room despite her roots growing in and her oversized coat.</p><p>Jose moves behind his desk and throws himself into his chair. He slumps a little. Juvia can't tell if he's drunk or if this is just his personality. "Jose. And you?"</p><p>"Juvia," she eeks out. "Lockser."</p><p>A mild film of recognition flits across his eyes but nothing more. "Familiar, but I'm a busy man. Help me out."</p><p>Fury piques. Juvia swallows, keeps it under wraps. "My best friend in the world is Meredy. She worked for you for the last few months. Until you fired her tonight."</p><p>Jose pulls a cigar out of his desk and after clipping the end, tucks it between his teeth. "The street rat."</p><p>Black spots dance before Juvia's eyes. "You will not call her that in my presence."</p><p>Jose looks surprised. Then he smiles. "Of course. I apologize. The one I let go this evening."</p><p>Juvia's breath fetters coming in, almost won't come out. "She has nothing else. She needs her job back."</p><p>"And I need a million dollars. I don't punch my clients to get it, though."</p><p>She could say <em>it was Gray, not Meredy, it was Ultear, it was me, thinking about it, </em>but that feels like running from the truth and Juvia doesn't feel like participating in that kind of pursuit. "That man was being aggressive with her. You promised to take care of it and didn't. He deserved to be punched."</p><p>After a brief consideration, where his dark eyes roam her body, Jose leans in. "You don't like being pushed around, do you, Juvia?" The way he says her name, caught in his accent like that, prolonging the U makes her want to shiver. She refrains. He doesn't need any more advantage.</p><p>"The last man that tried to push me around is alone now." She thinks of her father in his big house, with all the rumors swirling around about her and him, and regrets it, briefly, but is vindictive enough to never go back. He taught her that; it's a trait he should be proud of.</p><p>"I often think men don't respect women because they don't demand it," Jose says almost offhandedly but his words strike Juvia like a hammer blow. That's exactly it. She's been pushed around, has been taken advantage of. Has learned to ask for respect. She wants the same for Meredy, but Meredy wants <em>this, </em>this job, too badly. And so Juvia wants it for her, too.</p><p>"You seem like the kind of girl that knows how the world works, though…" Jose puffs on his cigar. "Are you currently employed?"</p><p>"I'm here to talk about <em>Meredy's </em>employment," Juvia reminds him.</p><p>He's back to leaning in. "And I'm here to talk about you."</p><p>Her heart flutters with nerves. <em>You are? </em>she means to say, but instead says nothing. She squeezes the handles of her seat.</p><p>"I'll tell you what," Jose says. "Come work for me and we'll talk about Meredy."</p><p>No one has ever tried to pursue her like this before and it's intimidating, but Juvia reminds herself she has an advantage here. "I'll tell <em>you </em>what." She sits up straight. "Give Meredy her job back and I'll consider it." Her heart is <em>pounding </em>in her ears. Throbbing behind her eyes. Lifting her chest, crashing it back into place again.</p><p>Jose smiles, slow, wicked, stripping the advantage from her again. "It's a modelling gig, Juvia. Nothing nefarious. Say yes, and I'll take Meredy off the boardwalk. Put her in beside you."</p><p>Modelling doesn't sound so bad. Juvia wets her lips. "Is this a promise?"</p><p>"You drive a hard bargain." He puts out his hand for her to take. "But I think we're in business."</p><p>She feels like she's shaking hands with a devil.</p><hr/><p>It's a shock stepping out of Phantom and being greeted by a serious-faced Gray. Juvia thought she ditched him, but he's waiting for her with his hands sunk into the pockets of his jeans and his coat puffing up around him.</p><p>"Are you now Juvia Lockser, the model?" he asks in a drawl.</p><p>His words shock her into silence.</p><p>"That's what he does with his favourites," Gray says. "Takes them off the boardwalk and puts them on the stairs to tempt his customers."</p><p>"It's not a whorehouse."</p><p>"Legally. But if the clients and the employees are willing…"</p><p>"<em>That's </em>not legal."</p><p>Gray laughs. "Is everything where you come from fair and just and <em>legal</em>? This is <em>Phantom </em>we're talking about."</p><p>Juvia walks instead of answering.</p><p>"First he'll have you tease his customers, and then he'll push you into choosing which is your favourite. He'll tell you to give them a little reason to keep coming back, and by then, you'll be in so deep, saying no will be difficult. By the end of it, impossible."</p><p>"How would you know?" Juvia snaps.</p><p>Gray withdrawals a little, turns a bit cold. "I just do."</p><p>"That's not an answer. If you'll excuse me." She walks faster.</p><p>Gray sighs behind her. "Jellal used to work there, okay? It kinda messed him up."</p><p>She thinks of Jellal's wide grins, cold demeanor, dementedness, and almost laughs.</p><p>"I don't know for sure, but I think he was the one that told Meredy about it."</p><p>That stops Juvia short. She whirls on Gray. Jellal isn't here for her to rage at, but he's the next best thing. "Meredy is <em>young</em>. She doesn't need a place like Phantom."</p><p>Gray doesn't flinch from her fury. "Then why did you beg Jose to give her job back?"</p><p>Juvia opens her mouth and closes it. She has no excuse other than Meredy wanted it, and Juvia took it from her. Maybe she would be better off without it. But it wasn't Juvia's choice to make and she can't take back her words now.</p><p>"Meredy's smart," Juvia says at last. "She can navigate Phantom without getting hurt, and now that we're together…"</p><p>"Jose's going to eat you both alive." He says it so matter-of-factly, Juvia falters again.</p><p>She wants to ask <em>do you really think so</em>? But cannot betray herself like that. "It'll be fine."</p><p>Gray shrugs and falls into step beside her. "If you say so."</p><hr/><p>The apartment is still dark and quiet when Juvia and Gray slip into its halls, but Juvia knows as she approaches the living room, that Meredy isn't sleeping. Her form is too stiff, too posed, listening as Juvia says to Gray, "Goodnight," and Gray says nothing in return.</p><p>It irks her. <em>He </em>irks her, in a way she's never been irked before. So frustrating. So stubborn. She told him not to follow her to Phantom, he did it anyway. She tells him her hopes, he contradicts her. She wants to grab him by the collar as he's walking away and reassure him again that everything is fine, but she's not brave enough, and the moment passes. The door upstairs opens, closes, and Juvia is alone with Meredy.</p><p>"Where did you guys go?" Meredy speaks before Juvia can manage.</p><p>"<em>We </em>didn't go anywhere." As Juvia's eyes adjust to the dark, she can see Meredy more clearly. Her eyes are open, and her mouth is curled to the left in disbelief.</p><p>"He's hot but he's not exactly… available, catch me? Anything that just happened, you won't repeat because the only one Gray repeats with is Jellal and only because Jellal's even more unavailable than Gray. It's fucked up and confusing, I know, but the truth."</p><p>Juvia feels flush all over. Her thoughts are suddenly whirling. "Shut up. It wasn't like that."</p><p>Meredy snorts and turns on her back. "Okay."</p><p>Juvia comes to sit beside her on the couch. As soon as she's down, she realizes how exhausted she is and wishes for Meredy's cold, drafty floor. She doesn't think sharing a couch is more comfortable. "Really. I went to see Jose."</p><p>Meredy sits up in a flash, the sleep is gone from her. "What?" She looks panicked, a deer in the headlights. "Why?"</p><p>"Because I'm sorry for what happened," Juvia says. Meredy's voice is barely a whisper so Juvia pitches hers lower, but she thinks she hears noise from upstairs, in Ultear's room. She wants to get her words out before they're interrupted.</p><p>"I know what it's like having something taken away from you and I don't want you to feel that way, ever." Something her dad never cared about when he treated her like Rapunzel. Something Bora never cared about when he expected her to be a bottom and shut her mouth.</p><p>Somehow, Meredy both looks relieved and disappointed, like she wanted to be set free, but is glad she is not. "What did he ask for in return?"</p><p>"He asked me to model," Juvia admits. "I don't mind, though. I don't have any cash."</p><p>Meredy bites her lips together. She's not like Gray, she won't spew whatever's on her mind. She keeps it to herself.</p><p>"Aren't you happy we'll be together?"</p><p>Meredy's eyes search Juvia's in the darkness. "I'll be happy if you are."</p><p>Juvia thinks of her rainy-day pills. They can make any day a good one.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Don't cry<br/>With my toes on the edge it's such a lovely view<br/>Inside<br/>I never loved anything until I loved you<br/>Inside<br/>I'm over the edge, what can I do?<br/>Inside<br/>I never loved anything until I loved you</p><hr/><p>It feels like Ultear is climbing out of a fog when she opens her eyes from a fevered dream. She's sweaty, her blankets are tangled up around her, and her throat is dry and sore like she's been screaming. She reaches for her water bottle and washes it all away with three long gulps. Then she just lies in her bed, on her back, staring at her ceiling and remembering the last twelve hours in fits and spurts.</p><p>Phantom is a blur in her memory but Meredy's expression when Jose fired her is clear as day. <em>Damage control, </em>Ultear thinks, because she was too fucked up to put in her two cents last night but remembers shifting around, half awake as Meredy and her friend whispered in the living room.</p><p>She rises and dresses in a pair of tights and a loose-fitting sweater. She throws her hair up in a ponytail and stumbles her way into the washroom. She's still fuzzy; how that can be, she doesn't know. Jellal's drugs are dirty and ruin everything they manage to touch.</p><p>The couch is occupied only by Juvia, Ultear sees as she descends the stairs. She's sprawled out like she's never had a bed to herself; her hair is a tangle around her throat and her lips look pouty and soft. She's pretty like a snow globe. But fragile. Ultear can tell from here. She doesn't need the preamble, the life history. This girl has cracks in her armour. It's in the pills that sit on the coffee table beside her, it's in the lack of baggage she carries with her. It's in the fact Meredy whispered Juvia's been sleeping on her floor at the safehouse, and this isn't the first time.</p><p>Ultear worries her lip. She has a china collection in her bedroom, teacups that are all similar but broken in their own way. She used to have one too many but now, looking at Juvia, she realizes she has one for each strange person she's surrounded herself with. It seems fitting. Ultear, the collector of broken things. One day, she tells herself, she's going to find the pieces and glue them back together.</p><p>Coffee is brewing in the kitchen. Its smell is intoxicating and comforting. When she was small, every morning begun with the pungent scent of coffee that her mother brewed before she'd drive Ultear to school.</p><p>That was a lifetime ago when she knew how to pretend.</p><p>Ultear pushes the thoughts aside. Negativity only begets negativity, she's told.</p><p>Meredy is in the kitchen and she's alone. She's sitting at the island on one of the stools and looking out the window to the forest beyond. Her back is to Ultear. She looks younger than her seventeen years, surely. She's so narrow and small that it seems like anyone could bully her into anything. And they have. Ultear's heart cracks and she's all at once angry again. Though her knuckles are blue, she wants Mard here to punch once more.</p><p>She swallows down her anger. Meredy's never responded to it anyway. "Morning."</p><p>Meredy starts so bad, she spills some of her coffee as she's turning to face Ultear. There are sleepless bags beneath her eyes and her hair is gathered in a messy knot just under her chin. She meets Ultear's eyes for just an instant, then looks away again.</p><p>"Morning."</p><p>Ultear busies herself getting her favourite coffee cup, the one with the sloth in the nightcap. Gray gave it to her last Christmas.</p><p>Long minutes pass in silence as Ultear pours her coffee to the brim, adds cream, makes a slice of toast, and slathers it with butter. She can hear Meredy behind her slowly spinning her coffee cup on the countertop, the ceramic making a strange groaning sound every time it catches.</p><p>Finally, Ultear joins her, sitting opposite. Meredy still won't meet her eyes. Very well. She's used to initiating conversations; maybe she <em>should </em>start this one.</p><p>"I'm sorry for what happened last night. I shouldn't have interfered that way." She's told she should guide Meredy, but not intervene if she can help it. Sitting back on the sidelines has never been Ultear's strong point, though. Sometimes she wonders the wisdom of becoming a mentor. She did it to impress her mother only, and the instant gratification was nice, but that wears off quick and then it's just work, work, work.</p><p>She feels guilty for the thought when she looks at Meredy, vulnerable, at her kitchen island.</p><p>Meredy sucks in a breath. "I have to tell you something."</p><p>The way she says it makes something shift, sit heavy in Ultear's stomach.</p><p>"And I don't want you to be mad. But you're probably going to be. But I promise I'll be careful."</p><p>Ultear banishes a lock of hair that's fallen out of her ponytail, tucking it behind her ear. "Oh my god, Meredy. Saying all that stuff is just making it worse. <em>What</em>?"</p><p>Finally, Meredy meets her eyes. "Juvia got my job back last night."</p><p>Sometimes, Ultear feels like a pack of matches that someone has thrown into the fire. She's tinder. She's quick burning. Seen for an instant, gone in a flash. Her fury is like that. Sparks, burns bright, hot. She waits for it to dissipate. It's not as fast going as she hopes. "What?"</p><p>Meredy's never been a coward when faced with a problem and steps into this truth willingly. "She went back to Jose and asked for my job back. He agreed."</p><p>Ultear takes a second to comprehend what Meredy's saying then leans across the small island. Her voice is low. "Meredy. This is insane. You just got out of there."</p><p>"I just lost my job and my only way to make a down payment on an apartment," Meredy rebukes.</p><p>"There are other jobs—"</p><p>"None that pay as well as Jose does, and you know it."</p><p>Ultear bits her lip until she's afraid she'll break the skin. "It took Jellal a long time to get out of there." And the truth is, no one really leaves Phantom. She sees the ghosts in his eyes on occasion.</p><p>"I'm not Jellal."</p><p>That's right. Meredy is softer, more innocent than Jellal. Ultear wants to rage. She takes in a warbling breath. Changes gears. "Tell me about Mard."</p><p>Meredy shies away from the question like an ant away from the light of a magnifying glass. "What about him?"</p><p>"Who he is, where he came from, why he thought he could put his arm around you, why he mentioned you <em>calling </em>him."</p><p>"It's nothing."</p><p>Ultear grabs Meredy's hand before she can fill it with her coffee cup and squeezes. "Meredy, please. Don't keep secrets from me."</p><p>Meredy searches Ultear's face, looks away again. "It was just a mistake."</p><p>Ultear tells herself to remain calm. Extracting information like this is a delicate business and she wants the truth from Meredy now that they're so close to getting it.</p><p>Being silent is the key. Meredy lets the truth out like a waterfall. "He started coming by Phantom a month ago. He saw me outside and was really curious about me. Kinda flirty." She picks at her nails now though they are short and clean. "I thought he was good looking."</p><p>Ultear can see where the story is going and that ball in her stomach becomes a knot. It's heavy; too heavy for her to carry around with her and she wonders if she'll be sick.</p><p>"Then he asked for my number." She shrugs. "I didn't see the harm. He kept tipping me, though I'm not doing much outside, and I thought…"</p><p>She thought she was special. And she <em>is</em>, but for more reasons than a man wants to put his hands on her.</p><p>Ultear asks, "What happened?"</p><p>She dreads the worst but Meredy says, "I kissed him."</p><p>"That's all?"</p><p>She nods. "It was only the once. After the first time I decided that it was a mistake. I blocked his number and told him I didn't want to be bothered, and when he still bothered me, I told Jose. Jose said he'd take care of it."</p><p>"But he didn't."</p><p>"It took him a while. He thought I was just being dramatic, I guess. I wouldn't have kissed Mard if I didn't want to, right?"</p><p>Now Ultear wants a <em>new </em>target to punch. She's never liked Jose. Has even less reason to now. "God."</p><p>"I know what you're thinking, and it was bad, I agree, but I talked to Jose, Ul, and convinced him he was being an ass. He put extra security out and moved me to the opposite side of the building," Meredy says in his defence.</p><p>"What fucking good does that do?"</p><p>"Usually, Mard approaches from the north, not the south."</p><p>"The man has two working legs, Meredy," Ultear says. Once the words are out, she realizes she's run out of patience. She swallows back the rage. Takes a deep breath. But she can't hold it in any longer. "And you're trying to go back to this place?"</p><p>"I'll be inside. Jose told Juvia. I'm going to be a model." She says it with the reverence of the ignorant. She has no idea the garbage that goes on in Phantom, the drugs, the alcohol, the slipping of money into waiting hands and the things that happen in exchange.</p><p>Ultear opens her mouth to bully Meredy onto a different path but she cannot get the words out. Meredy's friend has joined them in the kitchen.</p><p>"I will be with her. She'll be safe."</p><p>Ultear turns in her chair and glares at Juvia. Her blue locks somehow fall artfully across her shoulders, finger combed. Her eye makeup is the only thing that gives away her late night and displacement. It smudges a little beneath her eyes and her cheeks are a bit puffy with sleep.</p><p>Meredy sends Juvia a small grateful smile and Ultear feels like an outsider. She's not Meredy's friend like this girl is. Cannot be. And that's fine. She's not here to be Meredy's best friend. She's here to guide her away from bad decisions.</p><p>"Everything will be better now," Juvia continues.</p><p>"Spoken like someone who's never had shit go really bad for them." Ultear realizes how sharp she sounds. She cannot take it back. Will <em>not</em>. Who is this girl but a runway? And what the fuck is she running away from, anyway? A nice home, a nice family?</p><p>Ultear cannot know the truth, and honestly, isn't in a position to judge, given her current situation, but things were bad for her before her father died, and they only got better afterward, so maybe she <em>does </em>have a valid opinion.</p><p>Juvia looks like she's been struck. Like Meredy, she's soft in places the world will find and dig their thumbs into. Ultear gets the urge to batter her until she's better, <em>tougher</em>, too, but that's not her place, and not everyone wants to be saved.</p><p>"Think about quitting. For good." Ultear stands and must push her way past Juvia to get out into the living room. She doesn't stop there, though, she needs some fresh air.</p><hr/><p>"I think I pissed her off." Juvia clutches her hands in front of her belly button and looks at Meredy with what Juvia suspects is a pleading expression. But what can Meredy do? Meredy can't make everyone like her. She can't even know Juvia's need for acceptance. It's not something she talks about openly and she certainly won't project her compulsiveness onto her friend.</p><p>Except, Meredy seems to know. "She's not that mad."</p><p>"She seemed pretty mad." Juvia had caught most of the conversation, listening first from the living room and then deciding that it was best if she show her face and make her presence known.</p><p>Meredy waves her off. "She'll get over it."</p><p><em>Getting over it </em>isn't good enough for Juvia. She needs Ultear to understand that she has Meredy's best interest at heart, too.</p><p>"There's more coffee," Meredy says with a familiarity that makes Juvia think she's spent quite a bit of time at Ultear's apartment, nestling into a role Juvia cannot understand. What does Meredy need Ultear for when she has Juvia?</p><p><em>You're being manic, </em>Juvia thinks. <em>Just relax. Breathe. She can have more than one friend.</em></p><p>She manages to get this idiosyncrasy under control, but she needs to address the Ultear problem. "I'll wait," Juvia says and turns away from Meredy.</p><p>She thinks about knocking on Ultear's door upstairs, but she realizes that the front door is ajar, and she can smell cigarette smoke on the air. She follows it outside and down the hill behind the house, to the picnic table where Ultear sits with her hair shining black in the late morning sun. Noon is fast approaching.</p><p>Ultear looks up and seems downright exasperated to see Juvia coming down the hill. Juvia almost turns around, returning to Meredy, but her compulsiveness won't let her. She holds in a deep breath and runs through possible conversation starters—something that's never been easy for her.</p><p>"I'm sorry I went back to Jose," Juvia says instead of the lame and simple <em>hey </em>that's in her mind. Segues be damned. She never understood how they worked anyway. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I—I didn't know about Mard. Meredy never told me."</p><p>And that <em>stings.</em></p><p>Ultear flinches. Mard is a sore spot for her, too, Juvia sees. That, and Meredy, at least, they have in common.</p><p>"I could ask her to quit, but I don't think she will, not if I try to make her." She knows Meredy well enough to understand that.</p><p>Ultear smiles; the first Juvia's seen on her face. She's beautiful with her dusting of freckles and long black hair falling over brown eyes. "She's stubborn and won't walk away from something unless she's forced to."</p><p>Juvia dares to take a seat beside Ultear. Now and again, she smells the cigarette smoke, and it burns her nose a bit but it also reminds her of home, back when her mom was around and she'd smoke on the porch while Juvia would catch toads in the garden.</p><p>"I'll take care of her," Juvia says almost too quiet to hear. "I promise."</p><p>Ultear sighs and leans back. "If I've learned anything being her mentor, it's that you can't. Let her make her own mistakes and be there for the fallout."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One thing that is clear:<br/>It's all down hill<br/>From here</p><hr/><p>The sun sinks to just above the horizon. Juvia can't know for sure, but she thinks Meredy's been procrastinating. Prolonging the moment they go to Phantom. Prolonging this moment from the rest of their lives.</p><p>She checks her phone, looks at the sky, avoids Juvia's gaze. They've played cards, they've played Mario Cart on Ultear's Switch, they've sat beneath the sun doing nothing at all but laughing for the sake of feeling normal.</p><p>Juvia suspects, though, that tonight weighs heavy on Meredy's shoulder. She wants to assure her like she assured Ultear, but she can lie to Ultear without guilt. Meredy, she feels a sense of obligation that begs her to be truthful.</p><p>She remains mute on the subject.</p><p>For all they're at Ultear's, Ultear, and even Gray and Jellal, have made themselves scarce. Juvia saw Gray once as he came outside to smoke a cigarette. She saw in his room, someone smoked against the window. Him and Jellal, at odds, doing what Ultear asks, and going against the grain.</p><p>Finally, as the sun turns to a red smear against the horizon, Meredy can avoid it no longer and says to the sky. "We should go back to my place. We'll have to be a Phantom soon."</p><p>Juvia tries to prepare herself for when she and Meredy must stand on the steps to Phantom and act as though they are unaffected. <em>Models, </em>Jose said, but Juvia has never seen models like that. She wants runways and light and cameras. All she'll get are stairways, the glow of potlights and the human gaze.</p><p>"People want to be on the steps," Meredy says, reading Juvia clearly as she gets to her feet and starts across the lawn. "The people outside on the street, they talk about it like it's an honour. Jose knows model scouts, and if you impress him, he'll set you up with them."</p><p><em>The grass is always greener,</em> Juvia thinks. But she's the one that begged Jose for this opportunity, she can at lease see it through. "Is that what you want?"</p><p>Meredy looks around to make sure they're alone. Both the house and the garage apartment are silent. "Kinda, yea."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Do you promise not to judge?"</p><p>"Never."</p><p>Meredy sighs. "In one of my earliest memories, me and my mom walked to Phantom to pick up one of my mom's friends. She'd been modelling for Jose but she just got a contract in the city because of him. When the girl came out, I remember thinking she was really beautiful and glamourous." She shrugs. "I wanted to be that way."</p><p>Juvia thinks of Gray's warnings, and Jellal's unsettling stare, and Jose's shark-like attitude. <em>Nothing lasts forever, </em>she tells herself.</p><p>It may last long enough to leave a mark, though.</p><hr/><p>At the safehouse, the same man that worked the front desk before is there again. He likely does this five days a week, eight or nine hours a day, watching the safehouse's charges move in and out, causing trouble or bringing back a hefty load of angst.</p><p>When he sees Juvia trailing behind Meredy, something in his demeanour changes. He becomes rigid, uncomfortable, and Juvia prepares herself for the worst as he steps out from behind the desk and the plastic barrier and comes to stand in front of them. He looks at Juvia and holds out a piece of paper.</p><p>"You need to have this filled out by the end of tomorrow. Find yourself a caseworker and come back to me."</p><p>Juvia stares at the sheet.</p><p>Meredy acts, taking it from him. "Come on, Macbeth. You know she's not going to find a caseworker in a day."</p><p>"Those are the rules, Meredy. Letting her stay here is already bending them." He leans in, whispers. "I could be fired."</p><p>"She's just staying with me for a bit."</p><p>"No one can 'just' stay here. It's for your safety and hers. She needs a caseworker and her own space."</p><p>And he won't budge on the matter, Juvia sees.</p><p>"It's okay." Juvia takes the paper and glances over it. It's a lot of checkboxes and official-looking jargon. "I'll figure it out."</p><p>"Thanks." Macbeth turns from her without another word and returns to his booth. Juvia leads a still-confrontational-looking Meredy up the stairs.</p><p>"This is bullshit," Meredy mutters.</p><p>"Did you need a caseworker?"</p><p>She sucks on her teeth. "I <em>had </em>a caseworker."</p><p>"Then I guess it's not bullshit."</p><p>"We'll find you one," Meredy promises.</p><p>Juvia says nothing because she's not sure if she wants one. She can't return to her father, not without his apology first, but she can be a little independent, can't she?</p><p>Meredy uses her keys to open her room and Juvia walks into the vanilla bean scent of her body spray. It's nice, in a way, though it makes her throat close a bit.</p><p>Meredy goes for her closet and throws the doors wide, revealing a myriad of clothing and shoes, all of which are way more exposing than Juvia would ever wear of her own volition. "We have to look good tonight," Meredy's saying. "Let's try on some outfits."</p><p><em>It shows so much</em>, Juvia thinks, grabbing out a short, blue layered dress without sleeves or straps.</p><p>"That'll look so good on you," Meredy gushes.</p><p>Juvia sighs internally and grabs instead a long-sleeved black bodysuit with flower mesh for sleeves. Meredy turns her mouth to the side but says nothing as Juvia starts the process of pulling it on, and a pair of high-rise blue jeans she scavenged from her home, and then doing her hair in Meredy's mirror.</p><p>Meredy chooses a short red dress with a lowcut front. It looks good on her but makes Juvia want to protect her from the bad that's going to come her way.</p><hr/><p>By the time they make it out of the safehouse, the sun has set, and the air, which had a hint of spring in it earlier that day, has gotten cold. Juvia folds into her coat and watches the slush rush out from beneath her footfalls, feels the ice below it, struggling to form.</p><p>"I think you're going to like modelling," Meredy is saying. "I've wanted to do it forever. Did I say thank you? I never would have had a guts to push for it myself. Maybe I should be more forceful? My mom used to say you'd never get anything if you didn't ask for it."</p><p>Juvia opens her mouth but no words will come out.</p><p>"Hey." Meredy reaches across the distance and grabs her hand, squeezing it. "This <em>is </em>better than working on the street. You did me a favour."</p><p><em>Then why did you look so upset last night, </em>Juvia thinks. Her words are still caught in her throat, though, and remain that way as Phantom appears out of the skyline.</p><p>It's the same as it was last night, loud, but dark outside. Girls and boys brave the cold calling to people on the street, offering them vouchers for free drinks and fifty percent off lap dances. Juvia ignores them. She's never had much of a head for alcohol, but Meredy eyes them and takes one of the offered drink tickets.</p><p>"Just in case."</p><p>Juvia pulls open the door and ushers Meredy into the heat of the club. Music, laugher, the scent of alcohol and inhibition closes around her like a gloved hand, soft, warm, something that should be familiar but is slightly uncomfortable.</p><p>Meredy seems to thrive, striding up the long set of stairs, calling hello to other Phantom employees, using their names, laughing and nodding vigorously when they ask her if she's got a promotion. Most people look glad for her, as though this really is the better option, but Juvia catches the sad eyes of a redhead and in them sees the truth, as she thought it should be.</p><p>This is not a step in the right direction. But it is a step forward.</p><hr/><p>Gray wakes. The sun is low on the horizon. Jellal is beside him, rolling a cigarette. His movements are erratic and though he's not being loud, but Gray feels like that's what woke him.</p><p>He lays where he is, looking at the ceiling. Jellal cants toward him every so slightly and looks at him from the corner of his eye. "Where did you go last night?"</p><p>"Back to Phantom," Gray says.</p><p>Jellal is still for only a fraction of a second, but it's enough to let Gray know he's surprised him, which almost never happens. Then Jellal turns a bit guarded. It's Gray's turn to be surprised as Jellal asks, "Find anything you liked?"</p><p>Gray turns on his side and props himself up on his elbow so he can see Jellal better. There is a shadow of a beard across his face and his tattoo is stark on his pale skin.</p><p>"I guess you wouldn't have come back here if you did," Jellal answers for himself.</p><p>"I didn't think you cared."</p><p>Jellal faces forward again, licks the edge of his papers, making them stick. "I don't."</p><p>Of course. Even if he did, he'd never admit it.</p><p>Gray sighs and sits up more fully. While he'd love to leave Jellal in angst, pay him back for some he's caused Gray, he doesn't like to leave a person hanging and wondering and explains about Juvia, how he followed her to the club, and how she asked for Meredy's position back.</p><p>"So Ul can hit Geer again?" Jellal suddenly grins widely. "Is Juvia trying to get her charged?"</p><p>"She's trying to do what's best for Meredy," Gray hears himself say.</p><p>Jellal's grin slips a fraction. "And what do you think about the whole thing?"</p><p><em>That Phantom ruined you, </em>he thinks but cannot say. <em>That it made you who you are. That it's a terrible place. That it's a place where people like you thrive.</em> "I think they can do whatever the fuck they want."</p><p>"Spoken like someone who very much disagrees." Jellal's grin gets wider again. He's most comfortable when Gray is not, drawn to the obscene even if it's unpleasant. "You're almost as invested in this girl as Ultear. Is it <em>because </em>Ultear's invested?"</p><p>
  <em>Poor Gray, always trying to impress his adoptive family, prove he's better than what he is.</em>
</p><p>Gray clutches the blankets without meaning to. "I'm worried Jose will try to make her do something she doesn't want to do."</p><p>"I'd be more worried about Meredy doing the things she thinks she wants to do." Jellal lights his cigarette and breathes deeply. "It's what I did."</p><p>Gray sighs and throws off the blankets. He starts to dress; he can feel Jellal's eyes on him.</p><p>Jellal says, "I'll tell you the same thing I tell Ultear: you can't save everyone."</p><p>"You might not be saying that if someone had tried to save you a little earlier." Gray pulls up his zipper and tugs a sweater over his head, leaving Jellal sitting on his bed, filling his bedroom with smoke and quiet.</p><hr/><p>Darkness throbs around Juvia, minding her of blood in a heart in a chest cavity. She stands on the steps just inside Phantom's entrance, still somehow feeling like an outsider. Jose stands a few steps above her, looking superior as he looks both her and Meredy over.</p><p>He adjusts Meredy's hair, pulling it over one shoulder, fixing her bangs, tugging on her dress, and pulling it lower.</p><p>"It was fine the way it was," Juvia protests when Meredy does not.</p><p>Jose pins Juvia with his cold stare. "Is this your establishment, or mine?"</p><p>Something smart is on Juvia's tongue. Meredy sidles over a few inches, pressing into Juvia's side. "Just trust him."</p><p><em>Just trust him. </em>He looks like a snake. How is she supposed to trust him?</p><p><em>For me, </em>Meredy seems to plead.</p><p>Jose is still waiting for an answer.</p><p>Juvia lets her breath out through her nose. She can be diplomatic, can't she? Say the right things to remain here by Meredy's side. "Yours."</p><p>Jose nods and then slips something into Meredy's hand. "In case," he says.</p><p>Meredy glances at it once. "For real?"</p><p>He nods. Then he looks at Juvia, assessing her the way he assessed Meredy. "The boots make the outfit, but next time try to find something nicer. And hike those up." He indicates her chest.</p><p>Jose has turned away well before Juvia can utter a snarky reply, leaving her feeling cheated from a fight.</p><p>"You guys just need to get used to each other," Meredy says. She moves in front of Juvia. "Here, I'll block you so you can adjust."</p><p>"I'm fine."</p><p>Meredy's brows rise. Then she concedes. "Alright. You are."</p><p>Some how, her agreement only makes it worse. Juvia rolls her eyes and pulls her breasts up in her bra while Meredy makes a poor blocker. Some people coming in glance her way but never for very long. She supposes Jose is right and she's not eye-catching in this outfit. She'll have to try harder tomorrow if she wants to remain here by Meredy's side.</p><p>"What did he give you?"</p><p>Meredy flashes Juvia an ID card. The girl on the front looks an awful lot like Meredy, right down to her button nose. "Guess that drink ticket isn't so useless after all." She whirls away before Juvia can say anything about <em>that </em>either, perhaps sensing Juvia's rising protest, and finds a position on the opposite side of the stairs. She engages with a group of men that are coming in, tells them about the bar, the dancers, the best seats in the house, and when they ask her to show them personally, Meredy is more than happy to oblige, leaving Juvia to stand by herself on the stairs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There's no magic bullet, no cure for pain<br/>What's done is done until you do it again.</p><hr/><p>The workers around Juvia seem born to do this job. They engage with customers with realistic smiles, they talk to them about what they like in a nightclub, then they effortlessly peel away from the stairs and take those willing and wanting inside where they show off the entertainment and the perks of Phantom when the odd VIP comes through.</p><p>Juvia cannot flirt.</p><p>Not well, anyway. Her heart's not in it. She's worried about Meredy who hasn't come back yet. When she asked the man on the stairs behind her—the tall blonde one from the night before, with the steely gaze—if this was normal behaviour, he acted almost as though he hadn't heard her. His answer came only when she pressed and pressed and finally, he got frustrated with her.</p><p><em>She'll come back, </em>he said.</p><p>That was twenty minutes ago.</p><p>A guy and his friend come up the stairs laughing. They're dressed in their best clothes but Juvia can see that their shoes are worn. They don't have the money to visit a place like this often. A bachelor party, maybe, or a birthday. She sees the models around her notice the same thing and though some of them smile and point in the direction of the bar, none engage and offer to accompany them. They won't have money to tip, likely, and if they do, it won't be worth very much.</p><p>Another comes in, this one a woman. She's the opposite of the men, done up in jewels and in a dress that costs more than a house in middle-class Magnolia, Juvia's willing to bet.</p><p>The blonde behind her leaps to attention well before Juvia can even think about offering her services.</p><p>"Miss Belserion." His voice is suddenly deep, dark, and sultry.</p><p>They're gone. Any protest or interjection Juvia was working toward is gone with them.</p><p>"Did no one tell you how to do this?" comes a familiar voice.</p><p>Juvia feels her cheeks heat as she faces Ultear. The other girl is resplendent in an effortless way. She's in a white dress that's short and stark against her satin hair.</p><p>Juvia finds her eyes again and holds them. "They don't have any training sessions."</p><p>"Where is Meredy?" Ultear asks, looking around.</p><p>Juvia's face is hot. "She left me." <em>Replaced me, </em>whispers her mind. <em>Left me behind because I couldn't be who she wanted.</em></p><p>She must stop her dark thoughts in their place or be paralyzed. She can't remember if she took her medication today. She needs to take it regularly for it to make any difference.</p><p>Ultear's plumped lips turn to the side. "She went inside with someone?"</p><p>"A while ago. Jose gave her a fake ID."</p><p>Storm clouds flit across Ultear's face. "And she took it?"</p><p><em>It almost seemed like she was waiting for it. </em>Juvia chews her tongue and nods.</p><p>Ultear sighs. Juvia expects a berating but the other girl holds out her arm like a date might. "Shall we?"</p><p>Juvia glances around. She half expects someone to tell her no, she must stay here looking as pretty as a flower, but this is what's expected of Jose's 'models.' This and more.</p><p>She takes Ultear's offered arm and lets her lead her upstairs. Ultear's a full three inches taller than her in a pair of tall heels and every other step, her hip brushes Juvia's, making Juvia very aware of their closeness. Ultear is a stranger, but she hangs as close to Juvia as if they've known each other for a decade, and there's something nice about the initiated familiarity. Something Juvia feels almost brave enough to lean on. In this, protecting Meredy, they could be allies.</p><p>At the top of the stairs, the club expands into a wide-open floor. The lights are low and blue, red, black like a bruise. The music is pop-rock, fast-paced like a pulse. A girl with white-blonde hair is on the stage at the front of the club, and she is mostly naked. Another wave of heat washes over Juvia when she looks at her, and it turns even hotter when she realizes Ultear is looking, too. She once felt this way with her boyfriend when he took her here, but this feels less toxic. Juvia can only assume because there are less feelings involved.</p><p><em>Give it time, </em>she thinks. But she doesn't <em>want</em> to be here long enough for those kinds of things to bloom. She only wants to find Meredy, return to how things were, because she doesn't like herself when she becomes single-minded and obsessive. She doesn't like to make her whole life about one person, conforming to their whims and wants. But she does it. And it grants her the attention she craves.</p><p>"Juvia?" Ultear says, bringing her back to reality.</p><p>Juvia blinks, focuses, sees the nightclub again. Ultear is slightly swaying to the music, as she leads Juvia to the bar. The dancer onstage is throwing away her clothes in a manner that should be worshipped, the patrons are watching her with the rapt attention of the lustful.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I said, I thought I saw Meredy at the bar with someone, but I don't see her anymore. Do you?"</p><p>Juvia becomes laser focused for Meredy's pink hair, scanning left and right, tables and every square inch of the dance floor, the bar again. She's gone, and so is her partner, Juvia thinks, though truthfully, she didn't memorize his face enough to think she could recognize it in a crowd.</p><p>A dark, sick feeling settles in her stomach. "Something is wrong."</p><p>"You don't know that." Ultear says it almost automatically. She's been in this position before, her posture says, and she knows about the bad things that <em>could </em>happen, she's just confident they <em>won't. </em>Except, Juvia can see through Ultear's mask for an instant and knows that's not true. She may have been in this position before, but she has ghosts guttering around her. She knows how bad things can be if they don't find Meredy soon.</p><p>She looks at the stage and the exit door beside it, wondering if they should check outside before pursuing any other routes.</p><p>Ultear follows her gaze and shakes her head. "Washrooms. Men's."</p><p>Juvia doesn't question her wisdom now, she saves that for later as they stalk across the club, bypassing lap dances and drinking contests, the sombre and the loud, the inquisitive and those here simply because this is where they're used to coming. Automatic. Something they must do.</p><p>Juvia is too focused to meet anyone's eye, even when she feels Jose looking at her from the bar, where he retired after he gave Meredy and Juvia what Juvia assumes passes as training in this establishment.</p><p>A man exits the washroom, tall, blonde, scarred across his face. He looks at them curiously as they push past him and enter the Men's, but he doesn't try to stop them, as Juvia feared, he smirks just slightly and holds the door for them.</p><p>The washroom is so much brighter than the club, so much grimier. There are three stalls, painted a sea-sick green, the floor is cracked off-white tile, the mirror is spotted with <em>something</em>. The sinks are soaked and there are bits of paper towel strewn around the faucets.</p><p>And there is Meredy, laughing, pushed against the wall by the tall man she disappeared with. She doesn't notice Juvia and Ultear at first, she's enthralled with what's happening as the man packs a pipe that looks like Jellal's and digs a lighter from his pocket. Juvia can see the entire thing from the mirror. She almost doesn't know the Meredy reflected there, with her bright, eager eyes and her desperation dripping from every pore. She's trying <em>hard </em>to be someone else, and Juvia doesn't get it, she doesn't understand <em>why</em> Meredy might hate herself so much in this moment, or if it's every moment, and she wants to pull her away from it all, fix it.</p><p>There's a part of her that knows, too, that she cannot.</p><p>"Meredy." Ultear's voice cracks through the air like thunder in a pregnant quiet. Meredy starts like she's been electrocuted and lets her hand fall away from the pipe she's reaching for.</p><p>"Ul."</p><p>Ultear's face darkens. "I told you to never call me that."</p><p>Meredy swallows. "I—"</p><p>Ultear doesn't have to say a word. Her expression communicates it all for her. When she turns on her heel and marches out of the washroom, Meredy rushes after her and Juvia is once again scrounging in the aftershocks of their relationship. She doesn't understand it, and longs to be part of it. Even just a little.</p><p>Outside the bathroom, the club's music carries on, people carry on. They care about nothing but themselves. Realizing this is like being a barge out at sea. Juvia must pull her thoughts in to her little group, mould herself into a spot beside them, become part of this, or drift away forever.</p><p>"What the hell were you thinking?" Ultear hisses as she pulls Meredy into an alcove just feet from the bathroom's entrance.</p><p>Meredy could say many things but she chooses to say nothing.</p><p>"You can't just <em>disappear </em>with strange men," Ultear is saying. "He was trying to give you drugs." Like Meredy is unfamiliar. "You don't know what was in them."</p><p>That much is true. Juvia has been down this route, stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling while someone pulls at her clothes, while someone articulates her body and she thinks she should protest but cannot even seem to get her thoughts to move around the words, let alone her mouth, and to see Meredy willingly throwing herself into a situation like that could turn out that way is heartbreaking.</p><p>Finally, Meredy speaks. "Nothing was going to happen; we were in the bathroom of a public place."</p><p>Ultear hisses lowly, "You think I haven't pulled Jellal out of there before?"</p><p>"Jellal is a mess," Meredy says, gaze flitting away. "He doesn't count."</p><p>"He's a lot more savvy than you, and he still managed to get himself in trouble."</p><p>"You're my mentor, not my keeper," Meredy bites. For the first time, she looks fed up and almost willing to be mean.</p><p>Ultear gives no quarter. "You asked me to help protect you from yourself. Don't punish me for doing what you asked."</p><p>Meredy gnaws her lip white. "You're right," she says at last. "Sorry."</p><p>Ultear relaxes some, seeing only contrition in her gaze. Juvia, on the other hand, knows Meredy well enough to know what defiance looks like.</p><p>"You need to be smart, Meredy. A place like this will turn you inside out if it can."</p><p>Meredy straightens her dress and her hair, meets Jose's eyes behind the bar. "I have to get back to work. Thanks for coming out. I'm fine now."</p><p>"I'm staying until you're finished," Ultear announces and fury, fast but bright, flashes through Meredy. She dampens it before it can explode outward and smiles, waves to the bar. But she cannot hide everything and cannot bring herself to be civil. She turns on her heel and marches back out to the steps where she waits for the next person to come through the front doors so that she may charm them and woo them into exposing her to the things Ultear tells her to stay away from.</p><p>Ultear's face is cool and calm but when she turns to the bartender and demands a bourbon, her voice is threaded with annoyance.</p><p>Juvia lingers beside her for an awkward moment, not quite sure how to proceed. "Thanks for helping me find her."</p><p>Ultear whips around, her pretty mouth is open and Juvia senses her next words are going to be a missile, she's about to be destroyed, and Juvia Lockser is still putting herself back together from the last travesty with her father, is on a stormy sea after being told she cannot sleep at Meredy's, and is raw from this place, insecure and admittedly a little lost. She cannot withstand a bout of belittlement. She'll probably break down and cry.</p><p>Like Meredy, she turns on her heel and leaves Ultear there with her sentence hanging in the air.</p><p>When Juvia returns to the stairs, she's relieved to see Meredy's still standing across from her, engaging with customers and smiling as though nothing's happened, but she won't look at Juvia or talk to her, and at the end of the night when it comes time to leave, she stalks out and is much faster than Juvia, leaving her still standing out front of Phantom while Meredy is already a hundred metres down the road.</p><p>"Meredy!" Juvia tries. But Meredy doesn't stop and Juvia can't walk very fast in her boots, especially after wearing them all night. "Damnit." She considers taking them off, but there's snow and slush on the ground.</p><p>"You can walk home with me," suggests a male voice.</p><p>Juvia turns and sees a man twice her size watching her and Meredy's non-exchange. He looks overly intimidating and smiles as though he's trying not to be.</p><p>Juvia wracks her brain for something to say.</p><p>Ultear steps out of shadow and comes to Juvia's side. She's lost some of her meanness along the way. Now she just looks glossy and drunk. "Buzz off, Orga. This one's walking me home."</p><p>Orga sighs and moves away without complaint and Ultear takes Juvia's arm again, bringing them together like they were in the club.</p><p>"You need tough skin to survive this place," Ultear says as she leads Juvia onward. "You're like china."</p><p>Ultear's familiar with the type, her expression says.</p><p>They walk together for a few moments, saying nothing.</p><p>"When we were in the club, you said I was wrong, that nothing bad was happening, but you were almost frantic to find Meredy. Why?"</p><p>Ultear takes so long in answering, Juvia doesn't think she will. "Bad things happen to people all the time. The ones that won't say no, or the ones that think they want something they don't."</p><p>"Were you one of those?" Juvia doesn't let herself consider how personal her question might be.</p><p>Ultear takes a breath. "My mom sent me to this special school when I was a kid. The teachers were supposed to be the best, and a lot of them <em>were,</em> but one was…" she trails off. Her eyes look into the distance, seeing something Juvia cannot. "He would ask me to stay after school. I kept thinking that things should be fine, that we were in a familiar and safe place, but they never were <em>fine.</em> I couldn't tell if I stayed because I wanted the attention or if it's because I thought it was expected of me." She kicks a stone, and it cascades down the street, now the only sound in the late night.</p><p>"The point is, evil doesn't wait in dark alleys, Juvia. It tricks its way into your lover, or your best friend, or an authority figure you trust, and it destroys you. You should look for it everywhere because it <em>is </em>everywhere. Especially in the grimy washroom of that dump." She hikes a thumb over her shoulder, indicating the club.</p><p>Juvia's anxiety cranks up a couple notches. "Meredy took off on her own."</p><p>Ultear gnaws her lip. "Don't panic yet. She'll probably end up back at my place."</p><p>"How do you know? She's mad at you."</p><p>She shrugs. "You can be mad at someone and still want them to comfort you. When you have almost nobody, the somebodies you do have seem more important than they are."</p><p>Her words are supposed to be aimed at Meredy and her woes, but Juvia feels their weight sink over her and drag her down. She takes out her happy pills to try to keep the dark water at bay. Ultear watches her shake one out and then holds out her hand. Juvia obliges like she's sharing gum, but afterward, when Ultear dry swallows better than Juvia herself, she wonders if it was a wise idea and how she'll ever say no now if Ultear asks again.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's so hard to explain, so easy to feel<br/>I need you now, nothing is real<br/>Save me from the villains of circumstance</p><p>Before I lose my place</p><hr/><p>Gray is sitting on his bed, looking out the window when Meredy bursts into the apartment. She's a force of nature, stomping up to the washroom. He thinks he can hear sobbing, and his first thought is asking if she's okay, but doesn't know how to comfort her, or if she'll even appreciate his meddling. They're barely friends, together because Ultear brings them that way.</p><p>He remains where he is, listening to her torment, until the front door opens again. This is Ultear. He recognizes her steady steps as she approaches the washroom and knocks tentatively. Meredy promptly, and loudly, tells her to go away.</p><p>There's quiet that follows Meredy's outburst, then Ultear retreats to the kitchen. Gray can hear feminine hear voices cast low and figures it's Ultear and Juvia sharing the space. He sighs. He knew a night at Phantom would bring nothing but angst but no matter how he tries, he can't seem to distance himself from it.</p><p>He looks out the window again. Jellal is on the picnic table in the back smoking something. It could be a cigarette. It could be drugs. Gray doesn't know.</p><p>His door opens. He turns, not sure who he's expecting, but is greeted by Ultear. Her eyes are bright. She's on something. He sighs again and throws himself back on his bed, preparing for the onslaught that's coming.</p><p>"You're just sitting in the dark by yourself?" Ultear whispers, closing the door.</p><p>"Everyone's awake," he tells her. "You don't have to be quiet."</p><p>She crosses the floor, not making any more noise than she did earlier. "Juvia is going to stay on the couch for now."</p><p>Gray opens an eye and studies Ultear. She's pulling at her hair, finger combing it. There's still makeup on her face and she's still in her dress as she comes to throw herself down beside him. When he was young, it used to be hard to be this close to her. He would think about things he told himself he wasn't supposed to. But when he noticed Ultear rejoiced in his discomfort, he did what he could to turn it off. Now they're just two people lying together, trying to hold back the weight of the world.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Because her dad kicked her out. She was staying with Meredy but the safehouse wants her to have a caseworker by tomorrow. It's easier if she stays here."</p><p>"Until when?"</p><p>Ultear curls into his shoulder just like when they were kids. She's shivering slightly from the cold or the drugs, Gray can't tell. "Until she doesn't need me anymore."</p><p>Gray considers telling her she can't segment herself into tiny pieces like this forever. That eventually, she'll be the nothing that's left, but without someone to save, he thinks she would simply give up. He tightens his arm around her shoulder, pulling her in closer.</p><p>"What are you on?"</p><p>"Juvia has some prescription," Ultear mumbles against his chest.</p><p>He turns his sigh internal. Who the fuck knows what Ultear took? Certainly not her. "Tonight didn't go well?"</p><p>Ultear tells him of Phantom, how she couldn't find Meredy until she looked in the grubby bathroom, and that she was trying to take drugs from some guy she didn't know. Gray doesn't make the parallels between them. Ultear wouldn't appreciate that on a good day, let alone a bad.</p><p>Apparently he doesn't need to say anything though, Ultear senses his skepticism and has no qualms about calling him out. "Do you think this is my fault?"</p><p>Gray thinks of Jellal's Ice, and Ultear's own desire for numbness, her wanton need to fix things, pulling a girl like Meredy, so impressionable and young and bent on destroying herself, into their weird little circle.</p><p>Meredy wanted a place to drown well before Ultear offered her pool, but the water certainly didn't help.</p><p>Gray can't tell her that, though. She's in a delicate place, and a push in either direction could cause a spiral he's not prepared for.</p><p>"You're doing the best you can," he says instead. "Meredy will do the best she can, too."</p><p>"She's going to destroy herself," Ultear mutters against Gray's chest.</p><p>He looks out at the velveteen sky and thinks, <em>some people aren't meant for survival in this world. </em>Another thing he'll never say. Ultear will meet his skepticism with scorn but Gray knows it's true. His father was one of those people; he'd rather be chasing the gutter than moving up.</p><p>"Life is hard, that's why no one survives," he says instead.</p><p>The door opens and Jellal comes in. Bitter smoke clings to his clothing and he seems almost single-minded approaching the bed, Gray, and whatever they can give each other, but he pulls up short when he sees Ultear and Gray together.</p><p>"Not tonight," Ultear tells him, and her words have weight. She knows exactly what goes on between them without Gray having to tell her. She knows they use each other mercilessly, because Jellal is needy, and Gray is angry. She knows they try to burn each other up just to make themselves feel better.</p><p>She knows it'll never work.</p><p>The bathroom door opens, casting light in through Gray's open door for an instant. Then there are footsteps on the stairs.</p><p>"Meredy." Ultear starts to rise.</p><p>The steps never slow.</p><p>"I'll get her," Jellal says. There's something in his voice that Gray doesn't like, but Ultear doesn't seem to hear it. She lies back down on Gray's shoulder.</p><p>"Thanks."</p><hr/><p>Juvia keeps a portion of the couch free for Meredy but when Meredy comes out of the bathroom, she doesn't even look in Juvia's direction, instead toeing out the front door like she doesn't want to draw attention to herself. Juvia sits up. The nightgown Ultear gave her fits like a glove, their sizes very similar. It ruffles around her thighs and the cold air bites into her skin. Outdoors, it's warm for a late-winter evening, meaning the furnace in Ultear's apartment has been taking its sweet time turning on and the air is damp.</p><p>Juvia reaches for the door, but a ghost of a man appears and slips out before she can make it. At first, she doesn't recognize Jellal in the low light. His hair seems white, his form lithe and almost deadly.</p><p>The door clicks closed again. Juvia stares at it for a second, listening to their voices on the other side, and then their footsteps. Juvia opens the door and peeks left toward the road. She can't see her friend's silhouette. She thinks Meredy's taken off again but when Juvia looks right, she sees fresh footprints in the icy mud and finds Meredy and Jellal have taken up residence on the picnic table.</p><p>It's impolite to eavesdrop. Juvia's lost a lot of friends that way, pressed against the side of buildings, looking at the sky while people whispered about how strange she is until she can take it no longer and either bursts forth, demanding an explanation, or isolates herself until her friends give up and leave.</p><p>It's not high school anymore. Meredy isn't full of nice-veiled mean. She's Juvia's <em>friend</em>, and friends don't spy on friends. They don't.</p><p>They don't.</p><p>They—</p><p>Cold, wet mud presses against the bottoms of Juvia's bare feet. She tells herself to stop even as she quietly closes the door and continues. Though she does berate herself on the way. Calls herself stupid. Tells herself she's better than this. Tells herself she doesn't have to do this anymore, especially to Meredy. Tells herself this last year out of school has been a fresh start, and this, whatever this is with Ultear, Gray and Jellal, is fresher still. She doesn't have to be herself. She doesn't. She</p><p>Is leaning against the side of the main house and looking up at the starlight that trickles down. It's cold without a coat and boots but Juvia hardly feels it, she's so focused.</p><p>Meredy laughs and it's a different kind of laugh than Juvia is used to. She takes a chance peering around the building and sees Meredy and Jellal sitting almost knee to knee. Meredy no longer looks miserable and hell-bent against the world, and Jellal is smiling, too, the kind of smile that is born out of similarity. He and Meredy have a lot in common, that smile says, and Juvia will never understand what brings them together, though she might want to try.</p><p>"She just doesn't get it," Meredy sobers and says. "Can't I make my own choices and my own mistakes?"</p><p>Jellal is quiet for a time, and Juvia can almost <em>see </em>him fighting with himself. "Sometimes, it's better to learn from the mistakes of others than to do the mistakes yourself."</p><p>Meredy's lips turn to the side. "That sounds like some bullshit Ultear-ism."</p><p>Jellal is quiet again. He holds something in his hand and when he twists it, Juvia sees it's his pipe. "She's doing the best she can," he says at last.</p><p>"No one asked her to. I didn't <em>want </em>a mentor, remember?" Meredy says. "She just burst into the service worker office and said, "I volunteer," like she was fucking Katniss or something."</p><p>"Ur works for Kinark." Juvia must strain to hear Jellal's voice. He's not as angry as Meredy and doesn't speak as loudly. "She knew your case was being scrutinized. You're a runaway, Meredy."</p><p>"My parents are <em>dead.</em>"</p><p>"But you have an aunt and uncle that want to take care of you."</p><p>"They're not good people."</p><p>Almost every word they speak sends an electric pulse through Juvia. She didn't know this about Meredy. She thought Meredy's parents had died, and she ended up in the system, that's what she told Juvia. There was no mention of an aunt and uncle that she didn't like.</p><p><em>If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about</em>? Juvia can't help but wonder. And <em>why </em>does Jellal know and not her? Why didn't Meredy trust her enough to come forward with the truth? The nights they spent painting nails, eating gluttonous amounts of cake, and whispering in Juvia's dad's basement now seem worthless. She doesn't know this strange girl trading secrets with this stranger.</p><p>She wants to scream. Jump out and ask Meredy <em>how dare you</em>.</p><p>"What was happening with that guy in the washroom?" Jellal's low voice travels across the semi-exposed grass to Juvia's ears. Juvia holds the brick of the house so tightly, she's fearful for her fingers.</p><p>"I don't know." Meredy's almost too quiet for Juvia. "I just…" she trails off.</p><p>"Wanted to feel something?" Jellal suggests.</p><p>Juvia looks for the menace in his words, the predator, the pusher, and he's there, below the surface, but Jellal seems to have him under lock and key. For now, his question is an honest one born out of experience and concern.</p><p>"Ice doesn't make anything better," he says.</p><p>"But does it leave it all the same?"</p><p>Another bout of silence, this one lasting only a heartbeat. "No."</p><p>"Then I want to try it."</p><p>"Meredy…"</p><p>"What? Are you going to tell me I shouldn't? Because you do. Gray does. Ultear does. Don't think I don't see her stealing hits when I'm not looking."</p><p>"It's different."</p><p>"You don't actually think that way. You're just saying what Ultear expects you to say. And I get it, Jellal, I do, she's trying to protect me, but guess what? It's a great big world, and sooner or later, I'm going to do something Ultear doesn't want me to do with people she doesn't want me to do it with because the people she <em>will </em>be okay with won't break her confidence. Which do <em>you</em> think is safer?"</p><p>Jellal leans back against the picnic table. He's thinking about it, damnit. Defeat lingers at the corners of his mouth. He's going to let her, Juvia's sure all at once. His left hand is working across the glass of his pipe.</p><p>Juvia throws herself around the side of the house like she's just arriving. "Meredy!" she calls, loudly but not <em>too </em>loud. Both Meredy and Jellal look up from Jellal's pipe. Meredy looks guilty, Jellal almost relieved. Juvia swallows, the sudden centre of attention. "Are you coming inside? It's late."</p><p>Meredy looks her over, just quickly, but Juvia can see that she <em>knows</em>. She knows Juvia has been pressing herself against the house and listening. She knows she's been spying because <em>unlike </em>Meredy, Juvia's told her friend all her shortcomings. Meredy knows just how much trouble this little tick has gotten Juvia into.</p><p>Juvia wants to open her mouth and apologize, but also, she's not very sorry, not just then. She wants her friend back, the one that existed before Ultear and Jellal and Gray. The one that didn't have Phantom.</p><p><em>Was that Meredy even real? </em>asks the wickedest part of her thoughts. The worst part is, Juvia doesn't even know.</p><p>Meredy stands. She's wrapped in fury again, Juvia can see, and this time, it's aimed directly at her. She's never had Meredy angry with her before, and it feels like being shot in the heart. Juvia holds out her hand like she might say something, murmur off an apology, plead with her, <em>anything.</em></p><p>Juvia can't get anything out, not before Meredy climbs the hill on the other side of the property and disappears behind the house, to the road beyond.</p><p>Jellal looks at Juvia curiously. His eyes feel like a brand sliding over her form, judging her. He doesn't speak, though. He slips off the picnic table and follows Meredy.</p><p>Hot tears press against Juvia's eyes. She wants to follow, too, but her feet are numb, and the wind is biting straight through Ultear's nightgown. She's chilled to her bones and part of her wants nothing more than a hot blanket, while another part of her wants to remain here suffering.</p><p>She's so indecisive, she stands there long enough for Jellal to return from walking Meredy home. She thinks he might go straight into the apartment and lock her outside, but instead he comes down the side of the house like he knew she'd still be there and takes her by the exposed arm. He leads her inside as though she's an invalid. More hot tears trek down Juvia's frozen face. She lets herself get led to the couch.</p><p>Jellal sits Juvia down on one end and throws a blanket over her. It's warm, smells like vanilla softener, and chases the chill round and round her skin until Juvia feels she's starting to warm up.</p><p>"You won't be able to protect her," Jellal says as he settles opposite Juvia, taking up the space Meredy did last night. He's bigger than Meredy by quite a bit but only leans back while sitting up, not totally invading Juvia's space.</p><p>"I just want her to be safe," Juvia whispers. She's aware of Ultear and Gray upstairs, she can hear them whispering through the thin walls.</p><p>"Right now, Meredy doesn't <em>want </em>to be safe, and the harder you try, the worse it's going to be."</p><p>She sees the wisdom in his words, truly, but letting Meredy stumble into dark places because she's curious? That seems like madness.</p><p>Jellal kicks off his shoes and takes one side of Juvia's blankets, pulling it up over his legs, too. He closes his eyes. The last thing he says to her is, "I understand you can't stop now, but know she's only going to resent you. You should be ready for it."</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We're sleeping through all the days<br/>I'm acting like I don't see<br/>Every ribbon you used to tie yourself to me</p><hr/><p>It's early afternoon when Gray detangles himself from Ultear's sprawling limbs and stumbles down the stairs. He's groggy, disoriented, and exhausted, but on a level that goes far beyond the physical. He's had so much sleep, it's become <em>too </em>much, and he knows that he needs to get out and do something productive.</p><p>At the bottom of the stairs, he pauses, and studies Ultear's couch where Jellal and Juvia are even more entangled than he and Ultear had been. They're sleeping head to toe but Juvia's legs are between Jellal's and tucked up under his arm and his keep her from falling off the couch.</p><p>They're still asleep as far as Gray can tell. He takes the opportunity to study them. He doesn't get much time to just <em>look </em>at Jellal. He's either frantically trying to paw at him in the dark or letting himself get pawed at.</p><p>Jellal's eyes are closed, the lids light blue. He looks almost fragile, though Gray knows just how awful he can be. How awful they can be to each other.</p><p>Despite that knowledge, Gray feels something like a thorn worming its way into his guts. He identifies the feeling and bunches his nose in protest. He's not the jealous type. Has never been. Why should he start now? Besides, what does he have to be jealous over? He suspects it's not the romance of it, though, because this entanglement of bodies is not romantic. It's the closeness he longs for. The familiarity Juvia and Jellal, two strangers, are expressing, the trust, though as far as Gray knows, they're unfamiliar.</p><p>He feels eyes on him and notices that Juvia has come awake and is looking at him like he's looking at Jellal. He feels his neck starting to get hot, as though he's been caught doing something he isn't supposed to be doing—or longing for something he doesn't deserve.</p><p>"Sorry," Gray mutters and locks himself in the washroom. He can hear Juvia on the other side of the door, rising from the couch and going into the kitchen. He can hear the kettle boil.</p><p>The air smells like burgamot when Gray exits. It reminds him fiercely of Ur and the hours he would spend under her foot, wanting her attention but too afraid to ask for it. It occurs to him that not much has changed. He still doesn't know how to ask people for what he wants.</p><p>Gray passes the living room again on his way outside. Jellal is still asleep, though more of him is covered by the blanket now.</p><p>Gray opens and closes the door quietly.</p><p>It's warmed up quite a bit from yesterday. Late winter is finicky, freezing one day, above zero the next. Gray sits on the stoop. The way the sun comes over the roof of the house, he's half in the sun and half in the shade. His sweater is almost too hot except, when the wind blows, he shivers.</p><p>He protects his lighter from the wind and lights a cigarette. The smoke has weight in his mouth as it takes up the space his words won't. It feels like he's mute sometimes. He forgets how to say the things he wants to say. He forgets how to <em>want.</em> Ur used to tell him that, back when he was fresh in her house and she felt like she had to say things like that, teach him how to be a person. She probably thinks he's learned by now. Gray rolls his eyes, mostly at himself.</p><p>The door opens again and he's expecting Juvia, but it's still a shock to see she's pulled on her tall boots and a coat to go over that scrap of clothing Ultear has the nerve to call a nightgown. Gray can just see the edge of the pink fabric poking out from beneath Juvia's high-low coat. He looks away from the splash of pale leg that accompanies it.</p><p>He needs to say something to break the silence. It's just started, but it's intolerable. "I didn't mean to wake you up."</p><p>"You didn't." Juvia settles in beside him. Her shoulder brushes his and her left leg scrapes his right. Gray flicks his cigarette. He's unused to this level of boldness and closeness in anyone but Jellal and Ultear and part of him thinks if he remains perfectly still, everything will be okay.</p><p>The more practical side of his brain knows he's going to dislike whatever Juvia has come out here to say.</p><p>Gray fills the air with mindless banter to prolong the moment Juvia ruins his afternoon. "Sleep well?"</p><p>"It was okay." A light blush kisses her cheeks, making her pretty and pink. "I didn't think Jellal would fall asleep there…"</p><p>"He can fall asleep anywhere." Last year's Milkovich and CO. family camping trip, Gray saw him passed out on a rock cliff without blankets, face to the stars, and he stayed that way all night, though dew collected on his clothing and cheeks.</p><p>"Well, just know, nothing happened." Juvia's words come out quickly and she looks away. "I wouldn't do that to someone. He was just—we were talking. And it was late. And we fell asleep. That's all."</p><p>Understanding befalls Gray. He snorts. "I told you, it's not like that between us."</p><p>Juvia peeks at him from beneath her lashes, perhaps remembering just a few moments ago, when Gray was staring at them entangled on the couch. "Not even a little?"</p><p>He can't lie. "A little. But not like <em>that.</em>" It's difficult to put a qualifier on his and Jellal's relationship. It almost doesn't exist, except for when it does, and then it's stolen kisses in the dark, clandestine touches, desperateness he hasn't felt with anyone else that he sometimes thinks is his own and sometimes thinks is Jellal's.</p><p>"Then what were you thinking?" Juvia presses her lips together like she didn't mean to ask any sort of question at all.</p><p>That it could be nice if he had Jellal to be close to like that, he thinks but will not say. He draws on his cigarette instead. Things are better for him when he doesn't come forward with his feelings. He'd rather suffer in silence than let word get back to Ultear and Jellal that he thinks he wants an intimate kind of friend, the kind he can lounge with on the couch, casual, and then maybe take upstairs and be sexual with, if he so wants. He's wearied of this game he and Jellal play.</p><p>He wants to stop.</p><p>The realization has been slow in coming but when it hits Gray, it's like a forty-ton train has careened off its track and struck him. He sucks on his cigarette with more force. He doesn't know what to think of this revelation. He wants to shy away from it as much as he thinks he should look at it straight-on.</p><p>"I didn't mean to upset you," Juvia says in her quiet rasp.</p><p>Her voice spider-walks a chill down Gray's spine. "I'm good." He steals a look at her. She's wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to hold in the heat of the sun. Her legs, where they are exposed, are covered in goosebumps.</p><p>They sit in the late-afternoon bustle for a while, listening to cars and catching glimpses of them as they speed by Ur's home, the occasional bird screams, mostly cardinals and blue jays, but Gray thinks he hears a goose in the distance. Winter is casually dying and the whole world rejoices. It almost seems unfair.</p><p>Juvia breaks the peace with the grace of someone uncomfortable doing so. "He was going to give Meredy some of his drugs."</p><p>Gray takes his time rolling the ash away from the cherry of his cigarette. "Who?"</p><p>"Jellal. I saw them. He followed her out last night and they went to the picnic table and Meredy asked and Jellal was going to do it."</p><p>"But he didn't."</p><p>"Only because I interrupted." Now Juvia sounds haughty. For a girl that slept side-by-side with the man in question, she sure sounds like she harbours a lot of hate toward him.</p><p>"You don't know that."</p><p>Juvia swivels and looks at him. She's the most passionate he's ever seen her; her eyes spark with righteousness. "Do you think I don't know what it looks like when a man thinks he's giving you everything you wanted?"</p><p>She knows, he sees, and the truth is, Gray <em>does </em>think Jellal would give Meredy what she wanted, if he thought it would help her. "Listen, it's best if you stay out of it. You don't know what's going on."</p><p>To his horror, Juvia's eyes fill with tears. She blinks them away before any can fall, but her cheeks are rouged and so is her neck. She stands. "I know enough."</p><p>She disappears inside before Gray can reply. He puts out his cigarette, lights another, his thoughts churning for long minutes afterward.</p><p>Eventually, the door opens again and it's Juvia once more, dressed in jeans now, and a bodysuit below her coat. Gray tells himself to speak, to comfort her, apologize, make some excuse for Jellal, but he cannot, and besides, she has moved past him without any sort of acknowledgement and is now moving down the street.</p><p>He takes another drag off his cigarette. His tongue is numb with it. He doesn't even want it. With a sigh, he stabs it out and returns from whence he came.</p><p>The apartment feels dark after the brightness of the afternoon sky and he must blink to see into the living room. Jellal is sitting up on the couch looking thoughtfully at the nightgown Juvia stripped. He smiles tightly when he notices Gray's attention.</p><p>"Juvia said she saw you trying to give Meredy drugs." Gray expects his voice to be flat and unused, but it's threaded with that old familiar anger. It shocks him but doesn't seem to affect Jellal.</p><p>"Juvia was watching us."</p><p>"Were you?"</p><p>The only thing Jellal says in his defence is, "Meredy wants to try."</p><p>"And I wanted to throw myself over the side of a fucking bridge, that doesn't mean I should have."</p><p><em>There's </em>Jellal's surprise. Gray doesn't often talk about <em>that </em>stuff, that came sometime between his dad leaving him on Ur's doorstep after his mother died, and his father's death, when he found himself first looking over the side of the huge bridge that spans over the Magnolia River, and then leaning out over it, daring himself to let go, to feel the long way down into the shallow water below.</p><p>"Why didn't you?" Jellal's curiosity is tainted with morbidity, a need to understand why Gray's anger might take the form of self-destruction, a release so like the one Jellal finds for his guilt.</p><p>Gray can't think of an answer that doesn't feel like pulling his skin away from his bones. He would rather fight than have this conversation and regrets bringing it up at all. "Leave Meredy be," he answers instead. "Don't fucking talk to her, don't encourage her."</p><p>"I wasn't <em>encouraging </em>her. She doesn't need it. I just made sure she was okay." Jellal says it almost like he's waiting for Gray to give him praise. <em>Good boy, you stopped a fragile girl from doing anything stupid</em>. But Gray's afraid that's not the case. He believes Juvia saw Jellal cracking at the seams, thinking about giving Meredy drugs, because he's seen it before. Has been that person with his hand outheld for Jellal's pipe.</p><p>"Just <em>don't."</em></p><p>Too late, he sees something like a challenge flick across Jellal's face. He wishes he hadn't said anything at all.</p><hr/><p>Juvia stands at the front of the safehouse and looks up at Meredy's window. The sky reflects off the glass and she can see nothing beneath. When she tries the front door, it's locked, as it's supposed to be, open to anyone that has a key and that's it. There is someone behind the desk. She can't see if it's Macbeth or not. Probably.</p><p>A cold wind rips out of the shadows and rushes by and Juvia retreats into her coat as far as she can. She wants to be in the sun again. No. She wants to be inside. She wants an inside to go to and feel comfortable and safe in. Even when her dad would lock her door from the outside, at least she was surrounded by the things that were <em>hers</em>. She felt comfortable in her own place.</p><p>Someone across the street whistles loudly and obnoxiously. They holler something at her. Juvia's heart begins to race. She fumbles her phone out of her pocket and calls Meredy. The line rings and rings and rings. Goes to voicemail. Juvia hangs up and tries again. In her periphery she can see two men crossing the road and joining her on the sidewalk.</p><p>"Come on, come on," Juvia mutters as the phone rings again.</p><p>Still no answer.</p><p>"Hey, sexy, got a light?" asks one of the men. Juvia thinks they look familiar. The she realizes the one with a black eye is Mard, whom Gray punched the other night. Her thoughts are rapid-fire, but first and foremost, she wonders why they're here, outside Meredy's apartment. It's too much of a coincidence, she thinks, Magnolia is a big city.</p><p>The front door opens and Meredy is there. Her pink hair is tangled in a braid that swings over her shoulder, and she's in a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. She looks a bit stricken. "Juvia."</p><p>Taking that as an invitation, Juvia leaves the men behind. They're laughing about something she's missed, and she doesn't want to stick around and figure out what. Meredy closes the door on whatever it is they're saying, casting her and Juvia into the static noise of the safehouse. People upstairs are yelling, but not with any malice, the person behind the glass at the front is talking at Meredy; she answers—<em>snaps</em>. It's all just white noise to Juvia, whose thoughts are still outside with Mard. Outside with trouble.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div>
  <p>And I watched you break<br/>Like glass, you shatter<br/>Said it's my mistake, I make things harder<br/>So I tried my best<br/>To shut my mouth<br/>But all the thoughts I hid, dug their way out</p>
  <hr/>
  <p>Meredy's room still smells like her body spray. The dresser is decorated with the same lipstick, hairspray, and photos, the closet is still overflowing with things that Juvia would never buy for herself. Everything is exactly as it was when she left the other day, but she can't help but think that something fundamental has shifted. The change hangs in the air like the stench of roadkill, threatening to gag Juvia and assault her senses.</p>
  <p>Juvia sits on the bed. It's made, the sheets tucked in military-tight as usual. Meredy cuts a look Juvia's way and if it's not guilty, Juvia doesn't know what is.</p>
  <p>"What is it?"</p>
  <p>Meredy rolls her bottom lip between her teeth, shakes her head. "What are you doing here?"</p>
  <p>Her question stings Juvia worse than a hundred hornets for its implication. "We're working tonight, aren't we?"</p>
  <p>Meredy's eyes narrow minutely before her face smooths. She nods, suddenly more relaxed. "Yeah."</p>
  <p>Juvia wants to mimic her ease but cannot. Her gaze wanders to the window where she can still see Mard and his friend on the sidewalk below. They've started to drift away, heads bent together as they talk about whatever disgusting things disgusting people like them talk about. "Was Mard here for you?"</p>
  <p>Meredy snorts. "Why would you ask that?"</p>
  <p>It's a feeling deep in Juvia's gut, and she wants to align herself with Meredy's scorn, more than anything, but she's rarely wrong. "Because he obviously was. Why?"</p>
  <p>Meredy turns to her closet and starts yanking out clothing. The scene is familiar but also all wrong. Juvia feels her frustration swelling in her chest.</p>
  <p>"Meredy."</p>
  <p>Meredy whirls on her. "What?"</p>
  <p>Juvia's words almost get caught in her throat. She swallows past the forming lump. "What's happening to us?" When she really means is, <em>are you okay</em>?</p>
  <p>Meredy stares at her. She's clutching a black strappy dress as if it's her lifeline. Juvia prepares herself for the worst as she takes in a deep breath, but when Meredy lets it out again, she says, "Nothing. You're being weird. Did you take your pill today?"</p>
  <p>"That's not the issue, Meredy—"</p>
  <p>"<em>Did</em> you? You always act kind of funny when you don't take it."</p>
  <p>Maybe it <em>is </em>the issue, says a small voice in Juvia's thoughts.</p>
  <p>Meredy holds out a glass of water she swiped off her nightstand. "Here."</p>
  <p>Juvia lets out her breath and takes the water and her pills from her bag. Meredy turns back to her closet, pulling out outfits she think might work. "You have to look extra good tonight," she says.</p>
  <p>The pill gets stuck in Juvia's throat. Her eyes water. She sputters. Meredy continues like she doesn't hear.</p>
  <p>"Jose will be checking to make sure after yesterday. You should let me dress you."</p>
  <p>Finally, the pill goes down. It's not the sort of relief Juvia is looking for, but she takes it greedily as Meredy pulls out two more dresses and lays them on the bed.</p>
  <hr/>
  <p>Tonight, when Jose looks over Juvia's outfit, it's done with considerably more approval. The dress Meredy put her in is too cold for this time of year. There are too many peek-a-boo places where the fabric disappears and it's just her skin, and it's far too pink for Juvia's tastes. She feels like a stick of cotton candy hanging on the wall, waiting for someone to buy.</p>
  <p>She curls her nose at the analogy. She will not be bought.</p>
  <p>Meredy, on the other hand, seems determined to leave here on the arm of anyone who will take her, Juvia thinks as she casts a look up the stairs toward the bar where Meredy is flirting with a man that tipped her on his way in. Juvia tried to follow when they moved on together, but she felt Jose's eyes on her. When she found him, he shook his head. <em>Not unless you're on someone's arm, </em>his expression said, and instead of defying him, she sank back into her spot and watched people come and go.</p>
  <p>That was almost two hours ago, though, and the night is getting long. Juvia stands on the toes of her boots and tries to see past the man behind her. She can no longer see Jose in the club, and when she checks, his office door is mostly closed, and the light is on inside.</p>
  <p>She meets the eyes of the man behind her. He seems to sigh and nod his head. Juvia peels away from the bannister and bounds up the stairs into the club.</p>
  <p>Everyone is well and truly drunk this late in the night. The linger, mostly in groups of twos and threes, but sometimes in huge clusters of people, laughing and talking at once. On occasion, Juvia passes the one loner in the corner staring longingly at the stage where a mostly naked blonde man thrusts vulgarly at a group of guys. One of them rushes to push money upon him; people laugh, and catcall and the display gets even more intimate with the stripper pulling the man onto the stage and then centring his routing around him.</p>
  <p>Juvia watches them for so long, mesmerized and blushing furiously, that she almost misses Jose poking his head out of his office. He homes in on her like a hornet on a corpse. She's so close to Meredy. Juvia turns to the man beside her, someone tall with silvery hair and a nose like an arrow, and tries to pretend like they're together, laughing at the joke he's telling his friends and even leaning in, brushing her shoulder with his. He looks startled for a moment, but he's fuzzy the way most of the drunks here are and is more than ready to welcome her into their group.</p>
  <p>He slings his arm around her shoulder companionably, looking for her glass to toast with, and Juvia is grateful because it helps her pass beneath Jose's scrutinizing stare. As soon as Jose's retreated to his office, though, Juvia wriggles out from beneath the man's arm.</p>
  <p>"Refill," she yells over the music. He grins dopily and lets her go.</p>
  <p>On the stage, the dancer has moved off and a woman's taken his place. She speaks of last call and a final performance. Juvia's heart is going a million miles a second, pulse pounding in her ear as she is once again searching Phantom for Meredy and coming up blank. For someone so brightly dressed, she can disappear so easily.</p>
  <p><em>The Men's</em>, Juvia thinks when she cannot find her friend at the bar. Her stomach is a ball of snakes sliding over each other. They will not settle. She feels like she did her first night at Phantom, like something terrible is happening and she can do nothing to stop it.</p>
  <p>She bursts into the Men's room to find two men at the sink washing their hands and laughing. They pause when Juvia comes in, one raising his eyebrows high.</p>
  <p>"Lost?" he asks.</p>
  <p>"Is there a girl in here?" Juvia asks even as she moves to the stall and starts pushing open the doors to the horrors beyond. The bathroom needs a spray down, a coat of paint, and more antiseptic than the world has to offer.</p>
  <p>"This is the lads' room, darlin'," the other man reminds Juvia.</p>
  <p>She rolls her eyes at him and bursts back into the club again.</p>
  <p>Noise assaults her from every angle as the crowd works up into the final performance. Juvia scans the room, sees nothing familiar. Then her eyes land on the open patio door.</p>
  <p>She's across the room in a blink and pushing out into the cool night air. All hint of spring has disappeared with the coming night and now a few errant snowflakes drift down from the clouds. They melt on the pavement, though, which still retains the memory of the day.</p>
  <p>A few groups of people linger around the patio. Juvia scans them, then again. She almost gives up, but a broad man moves, and she catches a flash of pink.</p>
  <p>Juvia must push her way into the four-person circle that surrounds Meredy, two girls, two guys. She likens it to pushing back sharks. When she gets through them, she sees Meredy is sitting on a bench with a drink in her hand and someone else's coat around her shoulders. Her hair is tousled, and her cheeks are pink.</p>
  <p>"There she is," Meredy has been telling a story but she pauses halfway to introduce Juvia. "This is my best friend in the whole wide world. Juvie."</p>
  <p>"Juvie, huh?" draws a voice too familiar.</p>
  <p>Juvia spins on the man, recognizing Mard's friend from outside Meredy's apartment. "Juvi<em>a</em>," she corrects and adds for good measure, "Juvie is for people I like."</p>
  <p>The people laugh, except for the man Juvia snapped at.</p>
  <p>"Careful, Jackal, I think this one bites," says one of the girls. She purses her full lips and casts a meaningful look in Meredy's direction. "Bout time."</p>
  <p>It's petty, but Juvia doesn't defend her friend. Meredy doesn't try to, either, though, and that's a kick in the teeth for Juvia. Meredy's usually so spicy and full of candor. Now she merely stares at the stars, smiling.</p>
  <p>Through the noise, a cell phone trills. "That's our Uber," announces one of the girls. "Come on, Kyoka."</p>
  <p>They say their goodbyes and then they're gone and it's just the four of them now.</p>
  <p>"We should get moving, too," says Mard. It takes Juvia a few seconds to realize he's talking about <em>them</em>. He, Meredy, and his friend. "You don't have to do anything before you leave, do you Meredy?"</p>
  <p>Meredy shakes her head and starts to get to her feet. She's unsteady enough for it to be obvious she's been drinking, but she's not falling down drunk. Yet.</p>
  <p>"What are you doing?" Juvia feels like a nag, always at Meredy's heels, questioning her every movement lately.</p>
  <p>"Mard's driving me home," Meredy says with a loose smile.</p>
  <p>Juvia looks at Mard's still bruised face and bites her lip. Two days ago, Meredy was telling him to fuck off, and today, she's accepting rides from him? It doesn't make sense to Juvia. She whirls on him. "What did you do to her?"</p>
  <p>Mard's smile is easy, practiced, smooth. "Nothing."</p>
  <p>Jackal mutters something Juvia misses but he laughs and so does Mard and she thinks it's cruel, or gross, or both. She narrows her eyes. "Come on, Meredy. I'll call an Uber for us, too."</p>
  <p>"It's okay." Meredy drifts toward the break in the patio, where it spills out into the parking lot beside the waterfront. The men follow her. Juvia clutches her hands into fists and follows too, recognizing the questioning stares from Mard and his friend but stubborn enough to ignore them.</p>
  <p>When Mard unlocks a white BMW and Meredy gets into the backseat, Juvia chases after her, determined to do the same. Jackal beats her to it, though, and will not move over for her. She could go around the other side of the car, but she's afraid if she takes the time to do that, Mard will have the split second he needs to lock her out and they'll take off without her. She chooses the front seat and forgoes her seatbelt to turn and watch Jackal and Meredy. They're too close, Jackal with his arm around Meredy's shoulders, and not in the friendly way the man from earlier had draped across Juvia, this is much more predatory.</p>
  <p>Mard joins them in the car and turns the engine over. "I'm not sure you were invited."</p>
  <p>"I'm not sure I care," Juvia responds. "If you take Meredy, I'm coming."</p>
  <p>With a shrug, he puts the car in drive and sets out onto the road. It only occurs to Juvia then if he's sober enough to drive. She should put her seatbelt on before she ends up painted on the road amongst broken glass, sparkling.</p>
  <p>She can't. she can't turn away from Meredy and this man she doesn't know, who is determined to put himself on her. He keeps whispering in her ear. Juvia sees a flash of tongue. Meredy shivers.</p>
  <p>The air from the vents is cold at first, but they warm quickly and Juvia feels it crawl over her exposed skin. Her coat is still in Phantom and she cannot get it now.</p>
  <p>"Don't," Juvia warns when Jackal touches Meredy's exposed leg, open-palmed.</p>
  <p>"Don't what?" Jackal smiles with his teeth. He knows perfectly well <em>what</em>. "Do this?" He moves his hand north. Meredy's eyes flutter. Juvia tastes blood on her tongue. She's bitten through her cheek.</p>
  <p>"I said stop."</p>
  <p>"She likes it."</p>
  <p>He gets to the hem of Meredy's dress and starts to go beneath. Meredy's eyes turn heavy-lidded and indeed, she <em>does </em>look like she likes it, but Juvia cannot sit there while her drunk friend gets pawed at by a stranger. She grabs Jackal's wrist and yanks his hand aside. Jackal looks too surprised to do much but laugh.</p>
  <p>"Juvia." Meredy's eyes pop open. Anger lingers in them.</p>
  <p>Juvia opens her mouth to argue but beside her, Mard curses. "Turn around and put your seatbelt on," he tells Juvia. "Ride check."</p>
  <p>Juvia faces forward in her seat. The road has been blocked by cruisers, pylons. Ahead, a car is in the midst of the ride program. The break lights glare red in the darkness and the police flashlights flicker as they guide Mard's car in place.</p>
  <p>"Shit," Jackal pales. "Turn back."</p>
  <p>"I can't. They'll follow us. Just be cool," Mard says.</p>
  <p>Jackal is anything but. He grabs something off the seat beside Meredy and hunts for a place to hide it. Juvia realizes with horror that it's drugs. The police are watching them now, close enough that they can see into the front seat at least. Jackal realizes the same thing and turns on Meredy. "Where's your purse?"</p>
  <p>Meredy fumbles without question and hands him the light blue leather handbag she carries. Jackal stuffs his drugs and paraphernalia into the top and Meredy closes the bag. Juvia protests. She doesn't even know what she's saying, but she's saying it loudly enough that Mard has to bark <em>shut up</em>, for her to listen.</p>
  <p>She glares at him but he acts like he doesn't see her as he rolls down his window and greets the police officer with a smile. "Evening."</p>
  <p>The officer leans into the car and looks at them each in turn. "Evening, folks. Where are you coming from so late?"</p>
  <p>Juvia is sweating. Soaking straight through her dress and deodorant and it gets worse when Mard admits, "Phantom, ma'am."</p>
  <p>The officer nods like she knew and is satisfied that he's told the truth. "Have you been drinking?"</p>
  <p>"Nope, not me. I'm designated tonight." Mard winks then. It doesn't have the desired effect. The officer seems immune to his charm. She looks past him to the occupants of the vehicle, Meredy and Jackal in the back (Juvia wishes Meredy would hide her purse. It's irrational to think the officer can see inside it, but she's sure she's going to <em>know</em>) and then at Juvia herself.</p>
  <p>"Where is your seatbelt, miss?"</p>
  <p>Juvia stammers.</p>
  <p>"Sorry, ma'am. I asked her to wear it. She must have taken it off again." Mard sighs exasperatedly.</p>
  <p>Juvia is so taken aback, she doesn't defend herself.</p>
  <p>"You're responsible for the people in your vehicle," the officer tells him. "You need to make sure she's wearing it."</p>
  <p>"Yes, of course." He looks at Juvia meaningfully.</p>
  <p>It takes Juvia a beat, but she realizes he's waiting for her to don it, looking away from her only when it clicks into place and she's strapped in and secure.</p>
  <p>The officer says, "I could give you a ticket, understand?"</p>
  <p>"Yes, ma'am. I'll make sure everyone is being safe." Mard has gone with serious and pleading now.</p>
  <p>This seems to appease the cop more than his flirting. She stands and steps back, waving them through. "Make sure of it."</p>
  <p>"I can't believe you gave your drugs to Meredy," Juvia screeches when they're just barely away from the ride program.</p>
  <p>"It's fine," Meredy says.</p>
  <p>"It's <em>not </em>fine. She could have charged you!"</p>
  <p>"She didn't even know." Meredy takes the drugs in question out of her purse and gives them to Jackal. "Calm down, Juvia."</p>
  <p>The way she says it makes Juvia feel like she's overreacting, but then Jackal says, "Besides, her record's clean. She'd barely get anything," and Juvia sees red.</p>
  <p>"Where am I dropping you?" Mard acts like he can't hear the conversation in the back.</p>
  <p>"You're taking <em>us </em>to the safehouse," Juvia says.</p>
  <p>"I thought you were partying with us?" Jackal says to Meredy. Juvia's blood pressure hikes up another few notches. All she can see is red. She remembers Ultear's warning, though, how you can't stop anyone from falling apart but you can be there to pick up the pieces. She holds her breath for Meredy to make the right choice.</p>
  <p>A beat passes, and then Meredy says, "You can take me home."</p>
  <p>Juvia throws herself back in her seat. Relief floods through her.</p>
  <p>"Are you sure?" Mard asks above Jackal's complaints.</p>
  <p>Meredy nods and at the next stoplight, Mard makes a right, bringing them into the well-used part of Magnolia. The safehouse juts out of the darkness like a rotten tooth, multi-storied and decaying.</p>
  <p>Juvia expects Meredy to linger in the backseat, but just as soon as the car's stopped, she throws open her door and spills out into the street, almost getting hit by a passing car. She doesn't seem to care, slamming the door in her wake and stalking up to the safehouse.</p>
  <p>Juvia rushes to join her but Meredy whirls on her and stops Juvia dead in her tracks. "I can't believe you."</p>
  <p>Juvia's not cowed by Meredy's sudden anger, not now. She's furious herself, and she has lots to say. "I can't believe <em>you.</em> What are you doing, Meredy?"</p>
  <p>Meredy's voice ekes up a few notches. "Living my life. <em>Existing</em>. Trying to have some fun before I die. You should try it, too, sometime, instead of just ruining everyone else's life."</p>
  <p>"You don't know what they were going to do to you," Juvia tries not to match Meredy's volume but is failing.</p>
  <p>"Nothing, Juvia! Nothing I didn't want done!"</p>
  <p>"You don't know what you're saying."</p>
  <p>"Of course I do. Not everyone is awful. Not everyone is trying to hurt me, not everything is going to turn out bad."</p>
  <p>Juvia shakes her head. "You're being an idiot if you think that whatever they were going to do to you was going to be <em>okay</em>."</p>
  <p>"It would be, and you know why? Because if I didn't want something, I would <em>tell</em> them, not just lay there and let it happen anyway."</p>
  <p><em>Unlike you</em>, she doesn't say but she doesn't have to. Juvia is breathless with the accusation. Suddenly, her head is spinning again, she's staring at a ceiling, and someone is forcing her legs apart, kissing her bare chest, her belly, pulling at her underwear, casting them aside in a house she's never been able to find again. She hasn't had the nerve to ask her father where he picked her up from; she's too ashamed and afraid his answer will make her sympathize with his decision to put a lock on her bedroom door.</p>
  <p>The memory assaults her in patches, big blank spots and then moments of startling clarity, being pushed into a bed, a face leaning over her, featureless, the scent of cologne, the sting of being split by his sex. Even the morning after when she went to the pharmacy with tear tracks down her face, is a blur, and her STI check afterward.</p>
  <p>"Juvia—" Meredy's voice has lost its lash. "Juvia, I didn't mean…" She reaches for her. Juvia pulls away, though, and starts down the street and Meredy doesn't give chase.</p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All of the things we're taking<br/>'Cause we are young and we're ashamed</p><p>Send us to perfect places</p><hr/><p>The night closes around Juvia like a velvet fist. She passes the houses on Meredy's street, small, squat, and scaled, throbbing with music like hearts, little beasts that had been lying in wait for the moon to rise so they could come to life. At the end of the road is a small park complete with a teeter totter, swings, and three slides of varying lengths.</p><p>Juvia hesitates at the park's border because across the winter-dead lawn on the other side she can see a white BMW parked. She knows it's Mard's vehicle without needing confirmation. They must have gone around to the adjacent street and decided to park. She finds the familiar groove in her cheek and gnaws her teeth back and forth. More blood fills her mouth. She spits it out this time instead of swallowing and it gets lost amongst the partially exposed grass.</p><p>Then she starts walking.</p><p>At first, Juvia doesn't think about what she's doing. She's raw, she's hurt, and she's still so furious and all her fury is funneling down and focusing on one thing: Mard and his friend ruining Meredy. She will punish them because no one else will.</p><p>But as she starts prowling the dark recesses of the park, she starts to think about fear, too, and if this is a wise thing, and what she will do if it goes badly.</p><p>Juvia almost turns around. Nearly has the opportunity.</p><p>Then she sees the men sitting on the swing set near the opposite park border and everything else siphons out of her thoughts except for this. She would be remiss if she didn't at least tell them how she feels. She's been the silent girl for too long, has taken too much shit, and she shouldn't have to take anymore.</p><p>Juvia clutches her hands into fists at her sides and stalks through the cool night air, doing nothing to conceal her movements, but the men don't notice her approach. They laugh at something Jackal has said, with their heads back as if nothing about this night has dulled their spirits. They laugh as though nothing matters. Meredy doesn't matter. They share a beer, and then they share a pipe, and the air is full of the same sickly-sweet stench it had been the first time Juvia met Jellal.</p><p>Juvia gets close enough to hear Jackal's next words.</p><p>"—couldn't complain if her mouth was full. I have just the thing." Jackal grabs at his crotch and makes a lewd gesture, laughing though it's not funny.</p><p><em>I bet, </em>Juvia thinks with more venom than she's felt before. She's even more fortified now. Fury pulses through her veins with every beat of her heart. She's never been angrier. Angry enough to do something dramatic.</p><p>Jackal notices Juvia a second before she's on him. His grin goes wider. "Ah. Looks like I might have my chance." He remains unmoving, as Juvia closes the distance between them, and she thinks he'll stay that way and make her job easier, but at the last moment, he seems to recognize the murderous intent in her expression and starts to rise.</p><p>He's not fast enough, though.</p><p>Juvia grabs him by the scruff of his leather jacket and <em>yanks</em>, pulling him backward off the swing. He hits the ground with a dull thud and a creak of new leather. He drops his pipe and blinks at the sky, at Juvia, disbelievingly, as the swing creaks above them. Mard is scoffing. Juvia barely hears it as she falls upon Jackal and sinks her knuckles into his jaw. She doesn't even mean to, she just <em>does </em>it, again and then some more, though she can't think of a time she's ever pummeled anyone like this. She doesn't speak, doesn't yell, and that frightens her, and it must frighten Jackal, too, because his voice is high and reedy when he screeches, "Get off me!"</p><p>There's a small part of Juvia that's used to listening to men that <em>almost </em>listens to this one now, but it goes dormant when she thinks of all the pain he's caused her, all the hurtful things Meredy's said, and the erratic way Meredy's been acting. She keeps hitting him, and would still, she thinks, until he isn't moving anymore, except someone has wrapped their arms around her from behind and is pulling her back and away from a now bleeding Jackal. <em>Mard, </em>she thinks, because he's strong enough to crush the air from her lungs when he tightens his arms around her.</p><p>Juvia kicks and worms to free herself, but it's no use; he doesn't want to let her go and so she's made to suffer as he squeezes and squeezes like he's going to pop her ribs into her lungs. Juvia still doesn't make a sound, but now it's because she cannot.</p><p>Jackal gets to his feet and spits on Juvia, blood and thick things slide down the front of her dress. That breaks through her panic enough to allow her to lash back. She kicks out hard and catches him in the thigh. He calls her terrible things, a fishy cunt, a slut, a dumb bitch, and worse. When he comes close to retaliate, Juvia kicks him again but in a more sensitive spot this time and he goes white like the belly of a fish.</p><p>Juvia has no time to feel victorious. Mard spins and lets her go and she's suddenly flying. The trip is short, and the comedown is brutal as she lands half on the eight-by-eight wooden trim bordering the playground. It digs into her back and forces her to bend oddly. Finally, she makes a sound, a whimper, breathless and thin.</p><p>The sound seems to excite Jackal. He appears over her. His blonde hair hangs in front of his face, lank, and his mouth is a wide slitted grin. His freckles could make him charming in another lifetime, Juvia supposes, but just then, she doesn't see a person, she sees a demon, and he wants to ruin her, step on her like he would a flower, watch her crumple and break.</p><p>"Who do you think you are?" His voice has turned low and dangerous. "You think you can fuck with me?"</p><p>He stinks of drugs and alcohol. The smell curdles in Juvia's nose.</p><p>"You think you can just—" His fist is curled at his side and Juvia can see his thoughts churning, rationality warring with violence, and the exact moment violence wins. The next thing to come is not going to be nice and she doesn't know if she's going to see the other side of it, if morning will come of if it'll just be blackness. She knows she doesn't want it to end this way, though.</p><p>Juvia strikes Jackal before he can strike her and hits him in the throat. He stumbles back, gagging, sputtering, gasping for breath. Juvia's muscles carry her up. She turns on Mard. Now he's leaning against the pole of the swing set watching the whole thing like it's a show. He smiles, faintly, amused by the whole display. Juvia hates him the most.</p><p>"Why are you smiling?" She wants to hurt him to wipe the grin away.</p><p>"You don't belong in places like this, Juvia," Mard says. "Run along before Jackal gets up and tries again."</p><p>And she should. But his provocation makes it worse. She's wild. Possessed. Righteous. And stands her ground. Even when Jackal's wheezing calms to a ragged intake of breath, she doesn't run. It would only encourage him to give chase.</p><p>A car crawls by the park, washing them in halogen lights. Juvia watches it stop, turn more fully so it's on them. The men see it too and clearly, their thoughts follow Juvia's when she assumes it's the cops.</p><p>"Let's go." Mard peels himself away from the poll and strolls to his car in an unhurried manner. Jackal spits again at Juvia and follows. Juvia stands there for another instant, with spit dripping down her chest, thinking about giving chase and finishing what she started.</p><p><em>You're outnumbered, </em>she reminds herself. <em>It's not worth it.</em> And her ribs are stinging, her knuckles, and she's covered in Jackal's spit and blood. She would pull her dress of here if she could and leave it behind but now that she's not sick with adrenaline, she's shivering with cold.</p><p>"Juvia?" calls a surprisingly familiar voice. She turns and can barely see a dark silhouette standing beside the car. When the woman walks forward, Juvia can better recognize Ultear.</p><p>"What are you doing here?" Juvia chatters.</p><p>"Meredy texted me and told me you ran off." As Ultear gets closer, Juvia can see more of her. She's only in a sweater and tights. Her shoes are moccasins that have only been used as slippers. Meredy said jump, and Ultear jumped. "Are you okay?" Ultear reaches for her more hesitantly than Jellal did yesterday. Juvia waits for Ultear to touch her. She's shockingly warm and gentle when she wraps her hand around Juvia's wrist.</p><p>Juvia's teeth start chattering, her only answer.</p><p>"Let's go back to my apartment," Ultear decides.</p><p>Juvia lets herself get led, only pausing to pick up the things Jackal dropped. Ultear says nothing when she sees it. Whatever her thoughts, Juvia can't read them.</p><hr/><p>Trapped in her small washroom, the stench of antiseptic burns Ultear's nose. She uses a liberal amount on Juvia's wounds and after the first two daubs, Juvia stops flinching from her spot on the edge of the tub. Her knuckles are busted open and weeping slowly in some spots, crusted in others. Ultear is impressed. Juvia looks delicate and breakable but beneath the sadness and angst is a girl willing to fight for what she believes in. The unfortunate thing is that involves Meredy, and Meredy is determined not to be fought <em>for.</em></p><p>Ultear breathes in deeply but holds back the coming sigh.</p><p>"I'm sorry you had to come out for me." Juvia looks at Ultear's toes as she speaks.</p><p>"I didn't have to do anything," Ultear tells her. "Meredy asked if I could and so I did."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p><em>Why</em>. "Because it was the decent thing to do." <em>Why</em>. "Because Meredy asked me." <em>Why.</em> "Because I think that you're a good person who just needs a little bit of help right now."</p><p>This seems to stun Juvia into silence. She gnaws on her cheek.</p><p>"What were you doing out there, chasing those guys?" Ultear asks. She uses her finger to tip Juvia's head back and look at her jaw. She's scraped, bruised, but nothing is very awful. It <em>could </em>have been, though, and that scares her. Who knows how it might have escalated if she hadn't driven by at that moment? And at first, Ultear wasn't even going to stop. She didn't know <em>where </em>to start looking for Juvia. It was fluke that she noticed the people in the park.</p><p>"They're assholes," Juvia says through gritted teeth as Ultear cleans the sores on her face. "They're awful people and—" She trails off as if unable to articulate anymore. She swallows. "Meredy deserves better."</p><p>"I try to save everyone," Ultear says into the following silence. "If they're a lost cause, you can be sure I'm scrabbling, trying to pick up the pieces. Jellal thinks it's because it makes me feel more whole. I'm pretty sure Gray agrees with him. I think I do it because I don't think anyone's completely lost. With the right guidance, you can lead them back to themselves. But…"</p><p>Juvia's expression turns pleading and Ultear wants to tell her what she wants to hear. She does. But she cannot. It's less cruel to be truthful. Always.</p><p>"Meredy wants to do things a certain way and if we don't let her, it'll just be worse for us all."</p><p>Juvia hasn't released the pipe she picked up from the ground. She clutches it as tightly as a lifeline. "You think this is better?"</p><p>Ultear can see the residual burn from the drugs caked to the rim of the pipe. There is a deep, savage want in her that almost salivates at the sight of it. "I think Meredy thinks it's better."</p><p>"Why? It's just garbage."</p><p>"Because everyone keeps telling her it's garbage, likely, yet everyone around her does it."</p><p>Ultear can see the wheels turning in Juvia's mind, can almost <em>see </em>where her thoughts are going, and she wants to tell her to leave it be, she wants to tell her it's a fool's journey, but she's thought about doing it more than once herself, so what can she say, really?</p><p>"Shower. I'll get you something to wear," Ultear tells her.</p><p>Juvia strips where she is, glad to be out of her soiled dress while Ultear puts away the antiseptic and the leavings of the bandages she bothered putting on Juvia. The little washroom gets steamy in no time and the apartment beyond seems cold in comparison.</p><p>By the time Ultear returns with a nightgown, Juvia is out of the washroom and drying and looking eternally grateful for the shower. Meredy's dress lays in a pile on the floor looking small and used. Ultear doesn't like looking at it; somehow, it feels like an extension of her friend.</p><p>Once she's dressed, Ultear takes Juvia by the hand then and leads her out of the washroom and up the stairs. She can see Gray's door is ajar. He's in his room talking to someone on the phone. Probably Lyon. She doesn't know where Jellal is but is sort of glad it isn't here. She can only deal with one burning fire at a time.</p><p>Juvia hesitates at her door, but Ultear leaves the light off and goes to her bed, climbing into the covers and leaving them turned back in invitation. This is the best way she knows to comfort someone: being close to them, building a sense of familiarity, letting them know she is a person they can fall back upon if they need to.</p><p>Juvia enters the room eventually and crawls in beside Ultear. She faces her; Ultear can see the faint streetlight shining in her glossy blue eyes. "I love her, too," Ultear tells her. "And I want her to be safe."</p><p>"But safe is a relative term, and I can't keep her that way." Juvia sounds like a woman walking to the gallows, ready to put her head in the noose, too.</p><p>Ultear tells herself not to correct Juvia or try to lead her another way. The truth is the truth, and it's always better to voice it, no matter how it stings.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>my heart's a tiny blood clot</p><p>I picked at it</p><p>it never heals; it never goes away</p><hr/><p>The sun is throwing long shadows across the backyard by the time Gray wakes. He's alone, which used to feel common but after so many nights with someone beside him, the absence of another body makes him feel lonely for reasons he can't explain and doesn't really want to try.</p><p>His phone is on the pillow next to his head and it's mostly dead. He called Lyon for just a minute last night and ended up talking for hours. He wasn't even sure he <em>could </em>talk that much about stuff that didn't matter while circling the stuff that did but Lyon has a gift for getting the poison out of him.</p><p>He feels exhausted but restless. The sky seems the same way, the wind pushing dirty grey clouds across the sun in patches. It's been sleeting off and on, he can see, the walkway below is covered in a few centimetres of the stuff. Ur's left salt beside the back door as an open invitation for someone to salt the driveway. The very thought of it makes Gray feel tired, but he knows he can't stay in bed forever, so he dresses.</p><p>The first thing he notices is that Ultear's door is slightly ajar, and she has a visitor. When Gray sees the blue hair, he thinks first of Jellal, but the form is all wrong, too feminine, too full, and Ultear's looking at them with too much interest. She knows every angle of Jellal's face, she doesn't need to study it so intently.</p><p>Ultear catches Gray looking. They share an awkward moment in which Gray considers asking her what the hell she thinks she's doing, throwing herself into another complicated situation, but in the end, he decides it's not worth it and he walks away.</p><p>The couch is empty, though Ultear left bedding on it, either for Jellal or Juvia, who can say? It doesn't look slept in, though. Gray checks his nearly dead phone. He has no phone calls, no texts, no messages of any kind.</p><p>Usually, he treats Jellal like a cat, coming and going whenever he sees fit, but there is something about today that makes him feel unsettled, and that feeling is only grows roots and flourishing in his chest.</p><p><em>You're going to go looking for him</em>, Gray realizes. Which won't solidify the message that he no longer wants to do this dance he and Jellal have been doing, but this is the kind of thing that if he ignores it, it'll eat at him until there is nothing left.</p><p>He looks back up at Ultear's room. It would be nice to have some backup.</p><p>Like she's been summoned, the door swings the rest of the way open and Juvia appears. She's found some of Ultear's clothes to wear, and they're simple, tights and a white lose-fitting sweater, something he's seen Ultear in a hundred times, but seeing Juvia in them instead makes him look at them more appreciatively, though he tries not to linger.</p><p>"Are you going out?" She has a slight rasp. At first, Gray thought it was the mornings, but now he realizes that's just her voice. Its juxtaposition with this soft girl before him.</p><p>"For a while."</p><p>"You're walking?"</p><p>Gray nods. He does not to stare at the scrapes and bruises on her face and knuckles; Juvia catches him looking anyway. She does nothing to seem ashamed, almost daring him to ask. He's noticed this streak of defiance in her before, but she's fortified it recently.</p><p>When Gray doesn't change the subject, Juvia asks, "Do you want some company?"</p><p>"I'm looking for Jellal," he tells her. "He didn't come back here last night."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"Things might get fucked up."</p><p>"Okay," she says in the same tone and continues down the stairs.</p><p>"Okay," Gray repeats and leads her to the door.</p><hr/><p>Juvia is very aware of the space between her and Gray. More aware than she should be, in her mind. He's one of the ones bringing about Meredy's ruination, after all, she should want a great distance between them, but as with Ultear's closeness last night, Juvia's starved for a human touch, and gradually, with every step she takes away from Ultear's apartment, she slides a millimetre closer to Gray until there is almost no room between them at all and her heart is doing strange palpitations every time their knuckles brush.</p><p>Gray lights a cigarette and breathes out the smoke in a long, lean line ahead of him. He feels the weight of her stare and cuts a glance her way. Juvia quickly faces forward again.</p><p>"Do you know where we'll find him?" Juvia asks to fill the silence.</p><p>Gray is quiet for a few steps while he punches something into his phone. "I'm checking with Angel," he says at last.</p><p>"Is that a friend of his?"</p><p>"Not really."</p><p>Juvia's curiosity burns. "Why would he go see someone he's not friends with?"</p><p>Gray dekes the question with a shrug and <em>finally </em>asks the question Juvia thought he'd ask twenty minutes ago. "What happened last night?"</p><p>"Meredy and I had a disagreement."</p><p>"<em>Meredy </em>did that to you?"</p><p>Juvia touches her scraped chin and feels the pull on her knuckles. "No, of course not." She explains about Jackal and Mard in the most clinical way she can but can feel the horror of tears threatening to push their way out. She didn't cry last night. She was too mad. Even when she lay in Ultear's bed with their knees pressed together and Ultear offering silent comfort, she didn't feel like she needed to. So why <em>now</em>?</p><p>Gray looks at her and seems to know all her secrets with just a glance. "When I was a kid, just before I ended up with Ur, my dad had a party. One of his buddies got super trashed and started making cracks about him that I didn't like. I threatened him. He laughed about it, until I made good on my threat, and then he kicked the ever-living fuck out of me for it."</p><p>"Your dad didn't stop him?" Juvia asks.</p><p>Gray's jaw is tight as a wire. "He was passed out in the back. When he woke up, he looked at me and then looked at Del, his buddy. I expected my dad to do something," Gray says a bit distantly. "Beat the guy up, scream at him. <em>Something</em>. The only thing he did was tell me to get upstairs and get my shit. All of it. Anything I ever wanted to see again. So I did, and half an hour later, I was standing on Ur's doorstep reeking of blood and leftover booze.</p><p>"It took me three years to emote anything other than anger after that," Gray says with a little laugh. "And if you ask Ultear, I'm still just pissed off all the time." He takes a brief break. "The point is, you should deal with it before you end up bitter like me."</p><p>Juvia steals a glance at him from the corner of her eye. "I don't think you're all that bad." Then she bites her lip and berates herself for saying something so lame.</p><p>Gray doesn't seem to notice. He laughs. "You just don't know me yet."</p><p>Implying that she'll get to know him in the days to come. Her heart does another little flip she wants to ignore. She doesn't have time for that kind of nonsense. But she does like the way it feels. It's been a long time since she's felt anything other than disdain for a man. She tells herself to be more charitable toward her father, he was doing what he thought was best for her, after all, but she has a difficult time feeling much beyond a strange mix of hurt and longing for home. For the way things used to be, she supposes, when she was young and her winters were filled with toboggan rides and snow cones and snowmen with long carrot noses, not angst and door locks, someone else's bed, and the desire to scream but no breath with which to do so.</p><p>Gray's phone pings. He checks it, pulling his mouth to the side. "Not with Angel."</p><p>"Have another idea?"</p><p>"One." He makes a sharp right off the road. Suddenly, they're on a narrow and unpaved pathway that's been tramped down by the feet of others. On either side of them are derelict buildings. One is squat, yellow, and missing a few sideboards. Once it was insulated, but mice and raccoons and other creatures have grabbed most of that to make their nests.</p><p>Juvia peers through the boards like she's peeking through a ribcage of some huge decaying beast. There is nothing inside but graffiti and garbage, a sleeping bag that she <em>thinks </em>is empty, but wouldn't find surprising if it held a rotting body or two. Places like this always have secrets like that, hiding in floorboards or the foundation, the clues to which are painted on the walls.</p><p>"This one," Gray calls from a little ways off. Juvia starts, pulling away from the building, and finds him across the pathway and looking at the other building. It's a blue two storey house and at first glance, Juvia thought it was as uninhabited as the little yellow building, but she can see none of the crooked windows are boarded up and there is a thin line of steam that comes out of a pipe that must be the furnace exhaust. There is no driveway, but a car is parked in the street, the window wipers laden with parking tickets. Gray follows a set of tracks to a side door of the house and knocks.</p><p>Juvia is careful to step where Gray stepped. "Whose house is this?"</p><p>"Jellal's"</p><p>"<em>This </em>is where he lives?" She doesn't mean to sound so crass, but it looks like it could fall in on itself any second, cobbled together with air and prayer.</p><p>"This is where he pays rent," Gray clarifies. "He spends most of his time at Ultear's."</p><p>"Then why bother having a place at all?" Juvia mutters.</p><p>"When you've had nothing for most of your life, it's nice to be able to call <em>something </em>yours." Then Gray thins his lips as though that piece of insight forced its way out and he doesn't like it. <em>It's not like that between us, </em>Gray said to her when she asked about him and Jellal, but it must be, at least a little. Even if he doesn't like it.</p><p>Gray sighs quietly and knocks again, louder this time. Juvia holds her breath and listens for steps, shouting, or any other sign of life. She hears nothing, and Gray must not either. He opens the door and peers inside. Juvia can't see around his shoulder and doesn't really want to. There's something about walking into a person's house unannounced, even for their own good, that seems greatly invading.</p><p>"He's not here," comes a new voice from just over Juvia's shoulder. She yips and spins and comes face-to-face with one of the most beautiful women she's ever seen. At first Juvia is captivated by her hair; it's long, the red of hawkweed, and glistening. Then it's her tattoos, where they peek out from beneath her coat around her neck, and then her hands. A sleeve, likely, Juvia thinks if she could see it all. For now, it's just swords chasing her wrists and the tip of some portentous looking tower caressing her neck.</p><p>Then Juvia looks at the girl's eyes and finds them mismatched in colour, just slightly, one honey brown and lively, and the other almost black and glassy. The effect is unsettling.</p><p>"Erza," Gray says, closing the door again. "Long time."</p><p>Erza acts almost as though Gray hasn't spoken. "I came by to drop off some of his stuff and he went that way." She points toward a narrow copse of forest.</p><p>Gray shoves his hands deep into his pockets. "Did he say anything?"</p><p>"Nothing worth repeating," she answers.</p><p>"Was he…" Gray trails off.</p><p>Erza shrugs. "I never know what Jellal is." <em>Not anymore, </em>hangs on her sentence, unsaid but loud in the silence that follows.</p><p>"Do you want to come with us?" Gray almost pleads.</p><p>"It'll only make it worse." Erza turns and Juvia is glad when the girl's gaze is focused on the path and not on her, however indirectly. "But you can call me if it's bad."</p><p>Juvia watches Erza's back until Erza turns onto the main street and she can see her no longer.</p><p>Gray scratches the back of his head, mussing up his hair. He lets all his breath go in a sigh and faces the pathway as it disappears into the bushes. "Come on, this way."</p><p>Juvia hurries to catch up with his long steps. Her boots slide in the snow, good for pavement but that's about it. "Who was that?"</p><p>"An old friend."</p><p>"She didn't seem very friendly."</p><p>"She's not." He half smiles as he says it, though, gentling his words.</p><p>The trees close around them and swallow their footsteps. Boot prints still dent the snow here, but they are fewer, and these ones are accompanied by dogs. The late-afternoon sunlight gets dim and dull and a little foreboding, if Juvia is honest with herself. The spaces between the trees are littered with garbage, revealed as the snow slowly melts, and as with the derelict house at the top of the path, Juvia is positive this place holds secrets.</p><p>"Its kind of creepy here." She moves closer to Gray.</p><p>"I think people party here a lot. Less in the winter, but…" he shrugs and his shoulder bumps Juvia's and he doesn't move away, or even seem to notice. She does.</p><p>Ahead, the trees break, and a train track appears. Gray swings left onto them without hesitation. Juvia jogs to be beside him again. When she lifts her gaze to the horizon, she sees a figure on the tracks half a kilometer out. Jellal is unmistakable with his lanky frame and blue hair. He sits on the edge of the tracks with his feet over the bridge spanning the shallow river.</p><p>Something about seeing him sitting there with his face tipped to the sky and his feet swinging back and forth makes Juvia feel forlorn.</p><p>In the distance, a train whistle pierces the air. Gray walks marginally faster. His steps are measured, and his shoulders are straight but Juvia has had enough panic attacks to know what one looks like. His anxiety feeds her own. She looks behind herself, no train, ahead, no train. Not yet. But it's coming. With each passing second, she can feel a rising rumble in the tracks.</p><p>Jellal still looks peaceful.</p><p>Gray's expression is difficult to read. Unsurprised, so this kind of behaviour is not uncommon for Jellal, but strained, leading Juvia to believe it could be a little on the extreme side of his usual antics.</p><p>When Jellal hears their footsteps, he cracks open an eye and levels it on Gray. Some of his serenity falls away and is replaced by disappointment. It's not who he wanted to see. But then, like a storm cloud passing in front of a sun, the expression is gone, and he smiles.</p><p>Juvia can see the train now. It appears around a bend in the tracks ahead of them, cutting through the trees, rattling the train tracks. It'll be upon them in a few moments. When the conductor sees them, he blows his whistle long and hard, then several more times.</p><p>Gray is careful not to look at the approaching vehicle as he closes the rest of the distance between them holds his hand out to Jellal in lieu of a greeting.</p><p>Jellal considers him without a thought to the train, as far as Juvia can see, and Gray is equally patient, hand held out, expression neutral, not commanding Jellal to move, but asking. Only Julia watches the 18,000-ton piece of metal barreling down upon them. Her heart thunders in her veins. She shifts back and forth on her heels, feels the rocks vibrating, getting worse as the seconds go on until they're verily shaking her in her place.</p><p>In only seconds, the train is dangerously closer. She can see its bullet-like structure, the exhaust on top, the flared skirt beneath. The catcher that will push them aside as though they are nothing. Nuisances.</p><p>Juvia starts to consider the wisdom of following Gray out of the house. She thinks desperately about ways to escape because soon, the train will be too close and the only viable way to continue without becoming a smear on hot metal will be to jump into the icy water and it's far enough down, she's not confident she won't break her legs.</p><p>Still, Gray waits.</p><p>The train blows its horn. It's jarring. Juvia's breath comes shallow and fast, but the men aren't moving. <em>Just wait. Just wait, </em>she tells herself. and it seems like once the train gets past a certain threshold, it's easier to do just that.</p><p>It's noise drowns out almost everything, rendering speaking useless anyway.</p><p>Finally, after too long, Jellal reaches up and takes Gray's hand and lets him pull him to his feet. Gray turns his back on the train and heads back the way they came. Now his steps are fast. Now the perspiration shows on his brow. Juvia races to catch up. She will not look back. Gray's gaze is fixed on the little pathway leading to the tracks from the river's edge, and so are Juvia's.</p><p>Gray gets there first. He swivels back for Juvia, grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the tracks, into his chest, and Jellal's, a millisecond before the train whooshes by and tears her from her feet. She cannot look, she can only breath against his shoulder, and Jellal's, holding them both. Gray is steadfast, arms at his side, only his chest rising and falling too quickly, but Jellal quivers and clutches them both as though he's forgotten what it's like to have someone beside him.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I know we're not everlasting<br/>We're a train wreck waiting to happen<br/>One day the blood won't flow so gladly<br/>One day we'll all get still</p><hr/><p>Even after the train is gone, they stand with Juvia pressed against Gray's chest, Jellal holding them both as though he hasn't considered someone other than Erza might care if he's gone. Gray can't tell if they're both quivering, or if it's just him. His legs feel leaden. But also full of nervous energy. He considers pushing Jellal back and punching him until he cannot stand anymore. He considers hugging him tight to his chest until he cannot breathe anymore.</p><p>In the end, he does neither, and waits with false patience until both Juvia and Jellal have collected themselves. Juvia is paler than usual and still shivers. That might be the cold, though. Her sweater is dotted with crystalline rain. Gray takes off his jacket and hands it to her. She takes it gladly and fumbles with the zipper until she's got it up to her chin even as she asks, "Won't you be cold?"</p><p>Gray shrugs. His sweater is thick enough that only a bit of wind cuts through it, and frankly, it's refreshing. It clears his thoughts and helps his still-pounding heart. He's never been so close to death before, and he doesn't think Jellal has been, either. He's considered it, of course. He's stood at the side of the bridge in town and looked at the dirty winter melt rushing beneath it and has even let go of the handrails, just to see how it might feel leading into the moments before jumping. But he's always had Ultear there to call him back with a steady voice and casual conversation, as though whatever thoughts going through his head were too ridiculous to even consider.</p><p>He tried channeling her steadfast attitude back on the tracks and almost got them all killed.</p><p>He thinks he might be sick.</p><p>Jellal lights a cigarette from his coat pocket and after taking a puff, hands it to Gray. Gray takes it and holds it between his fingers for a few seconds, unsure if this is going to make the cannon ball in his guts feel better or worse.</p><p>"Let's go to the park," Jellal says. He's stopped quivering and breathing erratically. Now he's just slightly pale, and even that, Gray can convince himself, might just be his usual complexion. It's like nothing happened for Jellal, and Gray can't tell if that's better or worse.</p><p>He smokes and doesn't throw up on his shoes. His heart revs down. He nods. "Yeah."</p><p>Jellal's smile is soft. There's an edge of sadness to it that makes Gray think not all is completely well. That, more than anything, gives him hope. Because if Jellal knows something is not quite right with what just happened, maybe that means they're walking the road to fixing it. At the beginning. But still on the right path.</p><p><em>Or, maybe, he has no intention of doing so, </em>muses an awful voice in Gray's head. <em>Maybe this is pause on another train wreck, waiting to happen.</em></p><p>If he's learned anything in his life, it's that it's never wise to be in front of a train.</p><hr/><p>When Jellal mentioned the park, Juvia thought she'd be apprehensive to return, but with Gray and Jellal at her side, she feels almost buoyant. That might have something to do with near-death as well, though. She feels light and untouchable. The same way adrenaline junkies do after a leap from a cliff.</p><p>They use the pathway to return to the centre of town where Meredy lives. Juvia spares the building a glance. For some reason, she expects to see Meredy at the window, but the curtains are unmoving. When Juvia looks at the clock tower on the building next, she understands Meredy is probably getting ready for work already. Something pitches in her guts.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Gray asks below his breath, trying to prevent Jellal from hearing.</p><p>"I don't think I'm going to work today," Juvia says at a normal volume. There is no sense hiding. "Meredy probably is but I…" She must pause to catch her breath. "I'm not. I don't want to." Even if Meredy <em>does</em>. God. She wishes she didn't.</p><p>"Jose will be looking for you," Jellal adds, not cautioning her away from her decision but preparing her for the eventual outcome. "You'll have to tell him something if you don't intend on ever going back."</p><p>She doesn't know if she intends to <em>never </em>return. Trying to see what comes next after this, everything is blank. When she was at Meredy's side, she had Meredy to make those choices for her and direct the flow of her life. <em>And now you're on your own, forced to make your own decisions.</em> It seems like a short bridge between a decision and a mistake and when she thinks about making the wrong move, she's almost paralyzed with terror.</p><p>But then Jellal slings his arm around her shoulder and walks forward, pulling her on from her immobile spot. "The best thing I ever did is quit Phantom."</p><p>There's a sharpness to his words that makes Juvia think he stretches the truth. Beautifies it so it doesn't glare at him, ugly. But Juvia is used to his kind—he's a lot like Meredy. It's clear to her that he misses Phantom. It was awful and it was hideous, but it was his, and what was it Gray said? When you have almost nothing, anything you <em>do </em>have seems sacred.</p><p>The playground sulks out of the horizon. It looks different today, less beastly, the kind of place that takes most of its blood in fun, not in malice. She finds the place her, Mard and Jackal scuffled. The sand and snow is mussed and a lighter lays forgotten in the mess. Juvia picks that up, too, thinking about the drugs she pocketed last night.</p><p>"There," Gray says from a few feet away, where he's cleaned and dried one of the swings with the sleeve of his sweater. Juvia would feel bad for his soggy sleeve, but the sun's chosen to peek its face out from behind a cloud and the park is sheltered enough, it's almost warm again, two degrees, at least.</p><p>Gray holds out the swing and looks at Juvia expectantly. A smile burgeons on her lips. It pushes at the unpleasant memory of last night's misadventures and it seems, at least for now, like all that stuff with Mard and Jackal happened to someone else.</p><p>Juvia feels like she's floating as she takes the offered swing. Jellal takes the one beside her and his grin is almost boyish. The man that sat on the train tracks waiting for eventuality has hidden behind some façade, and here is someone fresh-faced and resilient. Someone Juvia can't help but laugh at when he suggests they have a swinging competition.</p><p>"Juvia told me she was swing master when she was a kid, right, Juvia?" Gray says from somewhere close behind her. His tone has become light and playful.</p><p>"Oh, of course," Juvia gushes. "You're in for it now."</p><p>Juvia pumps her legs a few times to get started, then she feels Gray's hands between her shoulder blades, pushing her out ahead of Jellal. Each time he pushes her, she gets closer to the clouds. Closer to freedom, it feels. When Jellal looks back and scrutinizes him, Gray tucks his hands into his pockets and does his best to look innocent and denies all accusations of cheating, even when Juvia's swing comes back and knocks him to the ground because he's standing so close. He laughs, and Jellal laughs, and something inside Juvia unspools and she laughs, too, feeling light, feeling nothing.</p><p>A figure in white exits Meredy's building. She walks for a few paces, then looks into the park. After a second, she veers from the sidewalk. Juvia immediately recognizes the gloss of Ultear's raven's wing hair.</p><p>"Here comes the fun police. Quick, Gray, distract her," Jellal commands.</p><p>Gray rolls to his feet. "On it."</p><p>Juvia continues swinging while she watches their easy banter as Gray meets Ultear halfway. She sees worry on Ultear's face, but whatever Gray says to her, it makes her smile for a millisecond, and that's all he needs to convince her to join them. They take up residence on the teeter totter and though Gray is heavier than she is, he launches himself into the air so it's never one-sided. Soon, Ultear is laughing and whatever burden she carried with her is temporarily forgotten.</p><p>"She came from Meredy's," Juvia says.</p><p>Jellal leans way back, gets some air. "Yep."</p><p>"What do you think they talked about?" Juvia hears herself ask.</p><p>"You," Jellal responds. "Phantom. Good bad things." He doesn't elaborate and Juvia can't seem to make herself ask him to.</p><p>Juvia pumps her legs harder. Wind rushes by her ear, cooler again as the sun sinks. Gray and Ultear rise and fall on the teeter totter, giggling relentlessly.</p><p>"It's almost like nothing bad's ever happened in their lives, isn't it?" Jellal surprises Juvia by asking. It's been long moments since they've said anything to each other and Juvia doesn't know how to respond immediately.</p><p>Jellal fills the void where she should. "People like you and me, we can't get away from it for very long."</p><p>"What happened to you? Really?" Juvia braves inquiring. She looks at Jellal from the corner of her eye while asking, hoping that will make him more open to answering.</p><p>He pumps his legs couple times and swings gently. "I fell in love," he says. "And then I hurt her."</p><p>"Erza."</p><p>Her name sends a shockwave through him. He squeezes the chains of his swing so tight, Juvia's afraid he'll cut his hands. "Yea."</p><p>"We don't have to talk about it."</p><p>"It's okay." But he fishes through his pocket for a cigarette to occupy his hands. "We were young. It was a long time ago." He lights the end of the cigarette, breathes out a fat cloud of smoke. "I got into some trouble with some people and instead of taking it out on me…" He waves his hand vaguely.</p><p>"Her eye…" Juvia mumbles. They're mismatched because one isn't real.</p><p>Jellal's voice gets louder, his words closer together, like he has any hope of outpacing the memory. "And then I promised myself I'd never be that way again, so she could never get hurt again. And everything's been fine." He speaks like an addict. <em>Everything's okay. Everything's fine. I just need to get through this second. This minute. This hour. This day. This week. This month. The rest of my life.</em></p><p>"I tell myself that, too, when I start thinking about someone so much, it's like I'm living <em>for </em>them." Juvia means for it to be reassuring, but her and Jellal, they share a common weakness. She can sense the obsessiveness in him. It's different than hers, but still familiar.</p><p>Jellal's shoulders sink with something else to focus on. "Like Meredy."</p><p>"She's been my only friend for almost as long as I can remember," Juvia admits.</p><p>Jellal nods in understanding. "I don't like thinking about Erza, so instead, I think about Phantom. Maybe you should try."</p><p>"You miss it?"</p><p>Jellal's smile wilts. "I think about it every day. I'm not sure that's the same as missing, though."</p><p>"Did bad things happen to you there?"</p><p>More smoke clouds between them. "And good. Mostly good."</p><p>"But you won't go back."</p><p>He leans back in his swing and points his face toward the emerging stars. "You'll learn that most of the fun in life, you yearn for, and it's the yearning that sustains you, not getting what you want."</p><p>"Like Erza."</p><p>Her name sends another shockwave through Jellal. His chest rises and falls but by the look in his eye, he's not getting any oxygen.</p><p>"Sorry," Juvia says quietly. Saying her name feels like poking a canker with her tongue, she doesn't like it, yet cannot seem to stop.</p><p>He takes a minute to shake his head. "It's okay." He pauses and then nods. "Yeah. Like that."</p><p>"Doesn't that bother you?"</p><p>Jellal shrugs. "Sometimes in between all the yearning, people come around to distract you." '</p><p>Juvia expects him to be looking at Gray, but his eyes turn to her. Something in his gaze makes her uneasy but also intrigued. It's the same feeling that got her in trouble the first time, when she trusted the wrong person and ended up used and left standing on the road with her bra poking out of her purse and her T-shirt on backwards, no recollection of where she'd been, no idea where she was going, until her dad rolled up to the curb and opened the door for her, silent, even on the way home. Silent until the world stopped spinning. Silent until she realized the gravity of what had happened. And then it was a few curt words said at a volume that almost never graced the halls of her house, and labels she'd never call herself or anyone else for that matter.</p><p>She doesn't move, even as Jellal grabs the chain of their swings and pulls them closer. Their knees touch. He reaches across her and grabs the other chain of her swing, too, moving her in so she's facing him more directly.</p><p>Juvia's heart is a hammer. It bangs against her ribcage and makes it difficult to breathe. She doesn't move, though. She can't. She must then, by proxy, want this, no? That must be why she's paralyzed.</p><p>Everything narrows down to this one moment. She can hear Gray and Ultear snickering about something one of them has said, she can hear the traffic crawling by on the street, she can even hear footfalls as someone enters the park and draws nearer. But she can only look at Jellal. She can only look at his half-lidded eyes and the universe of hurt behind them, where he hides the boy that sat on the tracks—the same boy that wronged a girl so badly, he sometimes thinks the tracks are his only option.</p><p><em>Oh god, oh god, </em>part of Juvia thinks when she says nothing and nothing is consent because he gives her so much time, asks so many questions with his body language, with his eyes, and she responds in all the ways he likes because Juvia is a pleaser, she never says no. She <em>hates </em>to say no. <em>oh god, oh god</em>. And when she asks herself why it might be so bad, her traitorous mind can't find a reason. He's good-looking, he's polite, he's not loud or bigger than life in the way other men are. He's contemplative. He's quiet. And he thinks about others, even if those thoughts are guilt-laced.</p><p>She doesn't want to be another rope for Jellal to hang himself on. Another way to punish himself. She can't figure out the knots, though, even as he leans ever closer, so they're sharing the same breath, the same warmth, and the same space, more of their bodies pressed together than when they shared the couch.</p><p>"What are you guys all doing out here? How come no one invited me?" cuts in a voice too familiar.</p><p>That's the stopper she needs. Juvia pulls away from Jellal and he releases her and once he's no longer blocking her, she can see Meredy. Meredy locks eyes with her. The shock on her face is impossible to ignore. Whoever she was expecting Jellal to be coveting, it wasn't Juvia.</p><p>Juvia feels her cheeks heat and her throat close, and she wants to say <em>It's not how it looked, Meredy</em>, but she cannot even begin to understand how to form those words to defend herself. Besides, what should she defend herself <em>from</em>? She owes Meredy no explanation. She hasn't done anything wrong.</p><p><em>Then why do I feel so guilty</em>? So awkward. So outside of her own body. Her mouth is dry, and her hands are cold.</p><p>"You're not coming in tonight?" They're the first words Meredy's spoken to Juvia directly since Meredy accused Juvia of not knowing how to tell people no, and Juvia stormed away. And there isn't a lot of accusation in her tone, but there is a healthy amount of <em>I told you so, </em>and that stings Juvia so badly, she wants to cry.</p><p>"I don't feel well," Juvia answers.</p><p>Meredy's disappointment turns to anger in a breath. "Yeah, right."</p><p>Juvia scrambles for something to say, an excuse that will mend this rift between them. "Meredy, please." <em>Please don't be mad, please forgive me for taking your friends, please, come back to the person you were. </em></p><p><em>The person I want you to be. </em>The thought is errant, cold, and Juvia curls away from it.</p><p>"I'll tell Jose you're not well," Meredy says. Her words are friendly, upbeat, fake. She lifts her voice. "While I'm at it, should I tell Ur that you're going to be a while, Ultear? You left because she texted, right?"</p><p>Gray and Ultear have long since stopped their teeter tottering. Ultear climbs from the equipment first. To Juvia, she looks resigned. "I was on my way home."</p><p>"But then you stopped here."</p><p>"Everyone was here," Ultear answers.</p><p>"Except me. Guess I was too hard to be around."</p><p>Ultear opens her mouth. Juvia can almost see the sharp edges of her coming words. But then Ultear castrates them and instead says, "Be safe tonight, Meredy."</p><p>"Fuck yourself tonight, Ul." Meredy accentuates her words with a flip of her middle finger and then she's gone.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lights, camera, <em>acción</em></p><p>If he likes me, takes me home</p><hr/><p>The mood is sombre as Meredy becomes a speck in the distance and not one of them, Juvia, Jellal, Gray or Ultear, can bear to resume their fun.</p><p>Juvia pulls out her phone and looks at the screen. It's a shot of her and Meredy. A long crack bisects it from top to bottom. It's an old crack, but Juvia's never looked at it this way before. It hits the picture of her face just right, breaks it in two, while Meredy is whole and smiling. It's not fair. It's not fair she gets to walk away without this festering feeling of guilt plaguing her.</p><p>Juvia pulls up the call feature and dials Meredy's number. It rings twice, and then goes to voicemail when Meredy sees it's Juvia and hangs up.</p><p>Slowly, the coldness and shock in Juvia is thawing to anger. She calls again. Again, Meredy hangs up. A frustrated scream claws its way from her throat, and it doesn't even sound like her. All but Jellal starts at the noise. He says,</p><p>"Give it time."</p><p>"She's—" Juvia can hardly start, let alone finish her sentence.</p><p>Ultear reaches across the distance and closes her hand over Juvia's phone. She doesn't try to take it, but she does cover it so Juvia can't stare into its harsh light any longer. "Give her the night at least. She's mad. I hurt her."</p><p>"What did you do?" It sounds accusing, it sounds pleading. It sounds just like the Juvia she takes pills to kill, obsessive, manic, desperate. Tears press against her eyes and everyone is looking at her. Everyone is looking at her and—</p><p>Jellal takes hold of the hand that Ultear doesn't have and squeezes in reassurance. Gray closes what space there is between them and presses his hand to her back, like she's a balloon, once tied to a railing but now cut loose and it takes the three of them to hold her to the ground.</p><p>"It's okay." Ultear's voice is soft, soothing. "Take a breath."</p><p>Juvia does. It's ragged coming in and going out.</p><p>"And again. And again until you feel okay," Ultear coaches.</p><p>Juvia obeys. She doesn't think it'll ever work, though, she's too wound. She wants to find a shadow to fall apart in. She wants to blow away.</p><p>"Again," Ultear says in such a way she makes it seem impossible to disobey.</p><p>Something miraculous happens. This time when Juvia lets out her breath, it's steadier. The one after, too. Her heart finds a pace that's not racing and her anger and panic peels back for sadness, the kind that leaves you hollow feeling and numb.</p><p>Ultear releases Juvia's phone and steps in close so Juvia can't see it. She swipes at the tears that have escaped, clearing them off Juvia's cheek, she fixes Juvia's hair and Gray's jacket that Juvia still wears. Juvia shudders, realizing for the first time in long hours that she's cold. Her sweater is still soggy beneath the jacket and any warmth the sun offered is long gone.</p><p>She looks around at these people she barely knows, surrounding her and holding her down when she tries to fly away. Something in her chest opens wide like a yawning mouth. She's hungry for this, friends who she hardly needs to explain anything to. People who have seen the real Juvia but have not shied away. More tears threaten to drown her.</p><p>"Hey," Ultear says gently. "It's okay. Things are fucked up, but they can't always be the same."</p><p>How does she explain to Ultear the new reason for her tears? She doesn't want to scare them away. So she says nothing, nods, lets Ultear swipe away her tears again. This time, her cheeks stay dry. Jellal releases her hand and Gray's warmth disappears at her back.</p><p>"Let's get home," Ultear decides. "My mom really did text me."</p><p>They fall into a formation of twos. Juvia thought it should be awkward walking beside Jellal, but the near-kiss is almost forgotten and doesn't linger between them like a plague.</p><p>It happens gradually, but Ultear and Gray pull ahead by a couple paces and after a few moments, their voices become quiet. Ultear glances back once to let her gaze linger on Jellal. Juvia has a sense that they're talking about the train, and how Gray and Juvia found Jellal earlier. She glances at him to see if he suspects, and if he does, what he thinks about it. He merely smokes, loose-limbed and apathetic.</p><p>Juvia twitches with the anxiety of it all.</p><p>"Smoke?" Jellal asks, holding out his cigarette.</p><p>"Oh, I've never—" Juvia says, breaks, because of course he knows she's never smoked, that much is obvious. What a stupid thing to say. "My dad—" That's even stupider. Her dad never let her smoke so she doesn't?</p><p><em>You're spiraling again.</em> Ultear didn't fix it earlier. She just put a patch on it, and now Juvia's insanity is leaking out again.</p><p>She reaches for her pills even as Jellal pulls her to a stop and holds the cigarette between his two fingers toward her mouth. Juvia splits her lips as she's seen him do and takes a pull, small, doesn't inhale because it tastes so bad and feels so heavy in her mouth.</p><p>"You like that?" she says once she's expelled it. Ultear and Gray are well ahead of them now.</p><p>Jellal shrugs and starts walking again, leaving trails of smoke in his wake. "Takes my mind off things."</p><p>It's not until they're sliding between Ur's house and into Ultear's apartment that Juvia realizes that he offered her a cigarette to distract himself as much as to distract her, and managed both quite deftly.</p><p>Jellal kicks off his shoes at the front door, tossing them in amongst Ultear's and Gray's and then without any prompting or an explanation to Juvia, he climbs the stairs to Ultear's bedroom. Her light is on. Juvia sees her curtain of black hair just as Jellal closes the door and locks them both inside.</p><p>She stands awkwardly by the front door for a moment, unsure of what to do, when Gray pokes his head out into the hallway and says, "Come up."</p><p>Juvia holds Gray's coat closed around her and mounts the stairs into his bedroom. She's never been in here before. It's sparse, almost undecorated except for a snow globe and a framed picture of a mountain range that looks photographed.</p><p>"Family vacation," Gray explains brusquely when he notices her looking and that's all he'll say on it.</p><p>He opens his closet beside his unmade bed and takes out two sweaters, and then he begins to strip right there. Juvia watches the smooth plains of his back muscles and his chest as they become revealed, the cross that glints around his throat by lamplight. She wouldn't peg him as religious. A memoir? A gift? It sits between his chest muscles, though, and she likes it, thinks she wouldn't mind feeling the cool metal against her hot chest were he to lean over her.</p><p>Her whole body flushes; she admonishes the thought. And would keep admonishing it, except Gray is pulling at his pants, letting them slide to the ground.</p><p>He glances at her. "Aren't you wet?"</p><p>His voice barely breaks through to Juvia's swimming thoughts.</p><p>Gray says, "Take off your clothes."</p><p>"Oh…" Juvia trails off and again cannot think of a reason to disagree. <em>So pliant, </em>she thinks even as she removes Gray's jacket. <em>Willing to do anything a pretty face tells you. </em>When will she learn to say no?</p><p>She removes Ultear's sopping sweater and lets it hit the ground. Warm air pricks at her skin. She's covered in goosebumps. They only get worse when she takes off her pants and kicks them toward the discarded sweater.</p><p>Juvia stands exposed in her bra and underwear. This isn't the first time someone's asked her to remove her clothes, but it's the first time they've done it so confidently. She's hot all over, waiting for him to look.</p><p>And then he does.</p><p>Gray sucks on his teeth, glancing at her, just once, just quick, head to toe. Juvia waits for him to come to her and press against her cold skin.</p><p>Then</p><p>He hands her one of the fresh sweaters. "I'm going to make some tea. Do you want some?"</p><p><em>This isn't what I thought,</em> Juvia realizes.</p><p>"Yes," she answers too quickly, embarrassed for a whole new reason.</p><p>Gray either doesn't notice or pretends that way. "You can use the blankets to get warm," he says as he moves past her, pointing to the bed.</p><p>When it's just her alone, Juvia's mind runs rampant with fantasies, each more ridiculous than the last. She pulls the sweater over her head. It falls to the middle of her thighs and hangs from her wrists. It's soft. Old. A little tatty around the cuffs and there's a burn hole in the shoulder, probably from a cigarette. Juvia can still taste the puff Jellal gave her.</p><p>She holds her breath and listens for Ultear's low voice and Jellal's monotone response. She can't hear exactly what they're saying to each other, but the cadence is serious. Juvia can only imagine. She can almost feel the train rumbling down on them again. Can almost hear its shrill whistle, and the fear that she wasn't going to make it off the tracks.</p><p>She shivers and nestles deeper into the blankets, but that's not enough. She needs something to distract her. Her phone pokes out of the pocket of Gray's jacket. Juvia hesitates before reaching for it, unsure if she trusts herself not to have another episode. It's almost like she can't help it, though. She picks it up and looks for texts from Meredy. Nothing is on the home screen. She goes to her messages in case she missed it. The last thing Meredy sent her was a brief ily and a heart, unsolicited, just a reminder that she always had an ally in Meredy.</p><p>Juvia sinks lower onto the bed, deflating with a sigh. <em>Will we ever be the same again</em>? Is this rift between them unnavigable?</p><p><em>It's just an argument, </em>she tells herself to be reasonable. <em>Once she cools down, it'll pass. </em>Juvia can't even find a shred of anger in herself right now. She's an empty glass of water, tipped over, spilled out, evaporating away. Maybe Meredy feels the same way?</p><p>She pulls up Instagram and goes to Meredy's page. Most of her pictures are of the skyline or food. Sometimes a flower, there's a few of her and Juvia near the beginning. They haven't been taking as many photos together. Not since The Incident. The beginning of the sickness, Juvia thinks, when her meagre social life dwindled to nothing with the appearance of a lock. It's no wonder Meredy moved on. She didn't have her best friend there beside her.</p><p>Juvia squeezes her phone hard, looking at the new story on Meredy's Instagram. She's at Phantom's bar with a margarita in her hand and Mard, of all people, <em>Mard</em>, is feeding her a lime. Both are smiling, neither one means it, though, Juvia can tell. It rises to their cheeks but won't dare meet their eyes.</p><p>Try as she might, Juvia can see no resistance in Meredy's posture. She leans into Mard, who she accused, not even a week ago, of being a creep. She closes her lips around the liquor slick lime. She meets his eyes. The video cuts off before Juvia can see what happens next, but judging by the way Mard's fingers pressed into Meredy's thighs, the way he was leaning into her…</p><p>Juvia's grip on her phone tightens. Why do they keep orbiting each other like this?</p><p>Gray enters the room again, brandishing two teas. He glances at the phone gripped in Juvia's hand. She forces herself to relax, drop it and accept the tea Gray offers. The phone is still open to Instagram, stories playing out without anyone watching.</p><p>Gray sits at the foot of the bed and buries his exposed legs in the blankets much as Juvia has. His skin touches hers. He's cold, but Juvia doesn't pull away. She doesn't want to; she needs something solid to hold her back from spiraling again.</p><p>"You saw her story?" Gray asks without prompting.</p><p>Juvia leans against the headboard and closes her eyes. The smell of pomegranate green tea fills Gray's room and mingles with the scent of his soap. "I shouldn't have watched it."</p><p>Gray doesn't contradict her, just sips his tea.</p><p>"I think we've been drifting apart for longer than I thought," Juvia quietly admits. She doesn't want to say so too loud. "I think… I'm the reason."</p><p>Gray has an immediate answer. "People grow apart. It's not one person's fault or the other. Shit happens and we make choices to deal with it, and sometimes that means cutting out people we thought we'd always have."</p><p>"Did you do that?"</p><p>"My dad," he reminds her.</p><p>"Of course." Juvia bites her lip in retribution. Sometimes she can be so stupid. "I didn't mean to belittle what happened—"</p><p>"Why do you get this way?" Gray cuts in. "No one expects you to be perfect or level all the time. It's okay you didn't remember my fucked-up shit for one minute and focused on yourself."</p><p>His bluntness shocks Juvia into contemplation. "I don't have a lot of friends," she eventually admits. "I guess… I don't want to mess up anything new by being selfish or stupid."</p><p>Gray snorts. "You didn't. Trust me."</p><p>Juvia looks at him from between her lashes. "Not even when Jellal tried to kiss me?"</p><p>She expects Gray to be surprised, but he is not, which makes her think he was watching them, for all he was engaged with Ultear.</p><p>"You both can kiss whoever you want. Doesn't matter any to me." He hesitates, then tags on, "You should know, though, it doesn't matter any to Jellal, either."</p><p>Juvia waits for the sting of his words. She still feels mostly numb, though. "Because he's still in love with Erza."</p><p>Gray raises an eyebrow. "He told you about that?"</p><p>"Sort of. Not really."</p><p>He still looks impressed, though, and a little bit scared. "Those are two people that should have cut each other out and left it at that," he mutters.</p><p>"It's not the first time he's tried to kill himself?"</p><p>Gray looks at her sharply, a denial on his tongue, but he cannot rebuke her words, for what else was Jellal doing, waiting for that train? He drinks his tea instead.</p><p>"I can't imagine loving someone so much that I want to die," Juvia says to feel normal because she <em>can </em>understand. She understands and even craves it if she's honest with herself. What would it be like to be wanted, and want that much?</p><p>"Me, either," Gray echoes, and he mimics the same deadness of Juvia's tone, like a raven calling back, but like herself, she sees a deeper truth in him and thinks maybe he wonders, too, what it's like to love someone so much, it make you want to die.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Is my life not all that I thought it would be?<br/>Is it simply ordinary?<br/>Oh, is it far from all my fantasies?</p><hr/><p>Ultear and Jellal are entangled so fiercely. Jellal's chest expands and knocks against hers; she can feel his heart beating a rhythm through her chest. His breath is too erratic for him to be sleeping, though she's sure he wants her to believe that wholeheartedly. Her shoulder is damp. She tightens her hold on him subtly. Another night of holding him from falling apart. Ultear waits to feel exasperated, but if he needs her, she'll be here to pick up the pieces of his glass heart, and she'll keep doing it, either until there's nothing left to pick up or she's bloodied herself so badly, she cannot hold the shards.</p><p>They continue this way, Jellal curled into her chest and Ultear bowed around him protectively, for what feels like an hour of immobility, Ultear afraid of moving and disturbing him, Jellal afraid of moving and coming unglued. They remain this way until the voices in the other room have geared down into the quiet of near-sleep. Now there's only the occasional murmur, the hum of consent. Jellal's breaths get deep and long and his grip on her loosens. It's hot beneath the blankets and Jellal's prone body. Ultear wriggles until she is not as entangled with him and closes her eyes.</p><p>Sleep isn't very easy to come by, though she's so exhausted, if she were standing, she could fall. Her thoughts race around every little thing. The time she spent with Meredy in her apartment, where Ultear danced around broaching Meredy's issues, trying to be subtle so she didn't scare her away and failing miserably, and the time Gray spent telling her Jellal all but laid down for the train.</p><p>She thinks about contacting Erza. She might have better luck pulling Jellal from his slump, but she also has the potential of casting him over the ledge and letting loose his madness. They're so volatile together; there's so much history between them…</p><p>Ultear glances at Jellal from the corner of her eye, wondering, <em>is the train track all the certainty your future holds?</em> Will he only ever find his way back there, waiting for another unstoppable force? Ultear finds herself wanting to cling to him almost as much as she wants to thrust him away. He doesn't know how to Human most days.</p><p>"What are you going to do if I'm not around?" she whispers beneath her breath. Jellal doesn't move.</p><p>Ultear sighs and closes her eyes.</p><p>They shoot open again at the sound of her phone vibrating across the nightstand beside her head. Her first thought is annoyance because it's so damned late. Then annoyance is replaced with fear. The fear only grows when she turns her head and sees Meredy's picture on her phone screen.</p><p>Jellal still hasn't moved. Ultear can't tell if he's sleeping anymore. She's uncareful as she extracts the rest of her body from beneath his and takes the phone into the hallway.</p><p>"Hello?" Ultear pitches her voice a little lower, remembering Juvia's haggard breaths as Meredy sneered above her in the park. Some people are good at being whipping boys. Juvia is not one of them. It hurts her, every lash cutting deep and hard. Ultear, though. Ultear can take a pounding and keep coming back.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>"Ultear?" Meredy's voice is a little wispy and wobbly. "Ultear, can you come get me?"</p><p>She doesn't even think about saying no. "Tell me where you are."</p><hr/><p>Phantom's lights have nearly all gone dark. Ultear's headlights cut across the club's entrance and when she doesn't see Meredy immediately, panic takes root in her chest. She can hardly breathe around it.</p><p><em>Don't freak out, </em>she reminds herself. <em>Keep driving, </em>when she would rather throw open her door and start screaming Meredy's name until she answers. <em>Keep driving</em> when she would rather call reinforcements because why did she do this on her own?</p><p>But when she thinks about Jellal curled in her bed, hanging onto his sanity by a thread, and Gray in the next room, trying to figure out how to untangle himself from that spider's web, and Juvia, who would rather rip out her nails one by one than see her friend in the state Ultear's almost positive she'll find her in…</p><p>She has no one.</p><p>So she continues to drive at a slow pace, creeping along with her headlights scraping over dirty brick and litter-filled ditches. Behind the building, the lake looms, dark and patchy with ice. If she were looking for Jellal, that would be the first place she'd check, but for Meredy…</p><p><em>She's always trying to figure out how to </em>be<em>… She's always looking to Jellal for answers.</em></p><p>Ultear swings the car that way.</p><p>The pier stretches out like a lolling tongue, dead and grey and dark and cordoned off for the winter, though it looks like more than a few people have stepped over the orange construction fence and slipped out onto the concrete, fighting to get away from the city noise. Ultear slows, gnaws on her lip, torn between continuing checking the sidewalk by the lakefront and braving the pier. Again, if she were looking for Jellal or even Gray, that would be the first place she'd check, but for Meredy, she's unsure.</p><p>Then she sees the flick of a lighter a little ways down the road. The flame wavers and goes out a second later. Ultear's hope feels that way, flimsy and small against the weight of the world. She eases her foot off the break and lets the car roll forward. There's a bench that looks out over the water, and a figure leaning against its back rather than sitting on the seat, so they're facing the road. Ultear knows at once it's Meredy, no one's hair is that candy pink. Her head is back and there is a cigarette in her hand, though Ultear doesn't remember her smoking before.</p><p>As she pulls closer and bathes Meredy in the headlights, some things become clear. Meredy has discarded her coat somewhere and the dress she wears is too thin. Her legs are bare and bent, exposing her underwear, and there's a thin sheen of sweat on her brow, though it's dropping toward the minuses and Ultear can clearly see her shiver. A deep sense of guilt settles over her like an old friend. If she hadn't left earlier, maybe…</p><p><em>I could have convinced her not to go to work?</em> Ultear almost laughs aloud. Ever since they've met, one of Meredy's most defining and admirable features has been her stubbornness. She's only become more obstinate as the time has worn on. Why would Ultear think she could bully Meredy into reason?</p><p><em>Besides, it's not like I've really given her a reason to say no</em>. She's pulled Meredy into her orbit of misfits and now all she sees is the way Jellal smiles when he's high, how Gray laughs when he's cloudy and forgetful. She thinks it's easier. She thinks it's better. And how can Ultear correct her when she's not entirely certain herself that it's <em>not?</em></p><p>She almost pulls the car away. Would have, perhaps, if she had someone else to call to pick Meredy up. But she doesn't, so she stops at the side of the road and her tire bumps the curb. Meredy doesn't look up. Her head is slouched toward the ground and the cigarette she lit has fallen from between her fingers and has burned out in a slowly freezing puddle.</p><p>Ultear's door scrapes the grass when she opens it, and her boots sink in when she stands. The air is even colder than she anticipated, this close to the lake.</p><p>"Meredy?"</p><p>Slowly, Meredy opens her eyes and finds Ultear. A smile inches onto her face, hollow as a hole. "Hiiii."</p><p>"Where's your coat?" And why did Jose let you come out here like this? Why didn't he call you a cab? Because he doesn't want anyone knowing he's been feeding you alcohol in his club? Is it <em>just </em>alcohol? She has fifty questions primed.</p><p>She gets down close to Meredy and inhales. All she can smell is cheap tequila, bile, cigarettes, and someone's cologne. She would sigh, but she doesn't want to set Meredy off. "Can I help you up?"</p><p>Meredy throws her hands wide and holds them up for Ultear. She's still grinning like a lunatic, though her muscles droop with exhaustion.</p><p>It's a good thing she's small, Ultear thinks as she lifts her into a standing position. When Meredy sways violently back toward the bench, Ultear acts like a counterweight and pulls her upright again. "Do you know what happened to your coat?" She's cold and clammy.</p><p>"I had to throw it out," Meredy slurs.</p><p>Ultear asks no more. "There's a bucket in the front seat. If you need to, use it." She sounds an awful lot like her mother, Ultear thinks, back in the days when Ultear would do stupid things like this and Ur would pick her up from someone's house, or a backyard party, saving her from whatever trouble it was she'd gotten into. Her mother's patience is boundless. It used to make Ultear so angry to always have her there, armed with a soft smile and a supportive hug when Ultear came-to the next morning, hungover and shamed.</p><p>Meredy drops like a sack of grain in the front seat. Ultear does her seatbelt up for her and adjusts the bucket so it's in Meredy's lap and not so far away, then she climbs into the other side and they're off.</p><hr/><p>Juvia rises shortly after the sun. She's still tired, but there's a restlessness in her that's impossible to ignore. She doesn't know why, but she's sure something has happened.</p><p>Her phone is blank of all texts, which is unsurprising but still annoying. How can she spend her entire life so invisible?</p><p>The apartment door opens and closes. Juvia carefully unravels herself from Gray's blankets, and Gray remains asleep. It's cold in his bedroom with the window open a crack, much colder than it is in the hallway.</p><p>She stops at the bannister at the top of the stairs and grips the lacquered railing. The wooden balustrades press against her bare legs where Gray's sweatshirt won't cover. The sensation, cold on the warmth of her skin, chases the last bit of sleep away and she looks down on Ultear with bright eyes.</p><p>Ultear returns her gaze with less enthusiasm and Juvia knows, <em>knows, </em>something has happened to Meredy.</p><p>"Tell me what's wrong." Juvia's voice is forceful. Hardly her own.</p><p>"Everything is okay." Ultear takes off her coat as she says it and manages to avoid Juvia's eyes.</p><p>"You're lying to me. Tell me what happened." Juvia squeezes the balustrade so hard, she feels the wood cutting into her hands. Her nails hurt from the effort, but she cannot let go.</p><p>"She just got a little drunk and confused," Ultear says. Like it's nothing. Like a girl like Meredy can get a little drunk in this world, a little confused, and not be an object of something Big and something Bad.</p><p>Juvia can hardly breathe. "Did someone…" she trails off because she cannot finish her sentence. She knows what people do to drunk girls too pliant to say no. She knows what kind of world this is. But she cannot form the words into a question. It's too abhorrent for someone like Meredy.</p><p>Ultear doesn't need her to articulate her thoughts. "I don't think so. She was trying to walk home but didn't make it very far. I picked her up by the waterfront behind Phantom. She was alone."</p><p><em>So was I, </em>Juvia thinks.</p><p>"Can I borrow some clothes?"</p><p>Ultear bites her lip until it's white. "Yea, of course. But Juvia, I think you should let Meredy sleep for a little. We were up most of the night."</p><p>Her words aren't supposed to sting, but they do. Why wasn't <em>she</em>, Juvia, the one that Meredy called? Why was Ultear her first thought? And why didn't Ultear wake Juvia before she left, to bring her along?</p><p>Juvia's suddenly standing at the edge of another long, dark spiral.</p><p><em>Why are you like this</em>? she reforms Gray's question, poses it in such a way that any sane person would be shamed into behaving. It almost doesn't work.</p><p>She gets hold of herself, just barely, and nods. "Okay. I'll wait for a little."</p><p>Ultear deflates and starts climbing the stairs. "Come on." She snags Juvia's hand without stopping and pulls her into her room. The drapes are drawn and the light that trickles through is low and golden. It brushes across the figure still lounging in Ultear's bed.</p><p>Jellal is awake and his eyes fix on Juvia just as soon as they're able. Something like a conversation passes between them, Jellal sensing Juvia's distress without her ever having to say a word. He moves over just slightly, inviting her over, and Juvia, after a moment in which she wonders if it's a good idea, accepts the invitation, sitting on the edge of the bed while Ultear starts clawing through her closet.</p><p>"I have a few things you can wear that don't really fit me anymore."</p><p>"Thanks." Juvia watches her work while Jellal's warmth soaks into her back. He's still observing her but now he's turned slightly so she can see his face, the right bisected by his tattoo, the left looking open and honest. He doesn't smile, can't seem to bring himself to.</p><p>"I'll come with you today," he says; he'd been listening to them out on the stairs.</p><p>Juvia watches Ultear's back get straight, and her shoulders get tight. Juvia waits for her to deny him, to tell him to stay away from Meredy, or Juvia, or both, but she can't seem to find the words, and Juvia doesn't think she wants her to, honestly. She wants to see Meredy. But she doesn't know if she's brave enough to go on her own, not after Meredy's anger last night.</p><p>She nods at Jellal.</p><p>Ultear comes at Juvia with a pile of clothing. "Try these," she says in a falsely bright voice. "Jellal, come help me make some breakfast?"</p><p>He doesn't hurry for the whip in Ultear's words. He rises, brushes Juvia's shoulder with an open palm. It's reassurance, Juvia thinks first, but when she sees the way Ultear's scowl deepens and the deadness that lifts from Jellal's features to be replaced by mischief, she realizes that's not entirely true.</p><p><em>It doesn't matter any to me, </em>Gray said last night. <em>You should know, though, it doesn't matter any to Jellal, either.</em></p><p>She sees now what he meant. Jellal's goodwill is a costume he puts on and takes off when he wants the people around him to think they matter to him, especially during the times his life barely matters to himself.</p><p>She takes his hand and squeezes it before he can get too far, letting him know that even if he's acting, he <em>does </em>matter to her, him and Ultear and Gray. Too much, perhaps, but Juvia Lockser's never done love in moderation.</p><hr/><p> </p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All I ever wanted was someone to love me</p><hr/><p>Ultear is a good cook, but Juvia can hardly eat. There's a clock over the stove in the kitchenette and the hands creep past twelve, one, and are most of the way to two when Ultear finally sets her ceramic plates on the table.</p><p>Juvia picks at her food and moves it around her plate while the others talk. Mostly, they fill the silence with jabber about their favourite shows, or new restaurants in town, all the things that <em>don't matter</em> while they strategically avoid all the things that <em>do. </em>No talk of trains, or drugs or sadness. No talk of rage or loneliness. No talk of lost girls. No talk of Meredy.</p><p>Juvia twitches in her seat. Ultear looks at her expectantly and she realizes she hasn't eaten any of the bacon on her plate. With a fortifying huff, Juvia prepares herself and wolfs it down all at once. It sits like a bag of bricks in her stomach, but it seems to satisfy Ultear.</p><p>"I'm ready now," Juvia announces.</p><p>"For what?" Gray asks as he wipes his mouth and sits back in his chair.</p><p>Juvia doesn't dare take her eyes off Ultear, though Ultear won't return her gaze. "I'm going to Meredy's."</p><p>"We're going to Meredy's," Jellal corrects. Just in case Juvia forgot his offer.</p><p>Ultear's mouth gets straight and tight. "Can you wait a bit? I promised my mom I'd take her to the eye doctor at three," she all but begs.</p><p>Juvia shakes her head stoically. She cannot, and will not, wait any longer.</p><p>Ultear and Gray share a look and then almost resigned, Gray asks, "I could use a walk. Do you guys want some company?"</p><p>"It's a party," Jellal says and sounds like he means it a little too much for Juvia's liking.</p><hr/><p>Juvia leads the way. Gray trails just slightly behind her with Jellal at his side. He could watch the street, or the clouds, or Jellal, he supposes, but his eyes are fixed almost exclusively on the edges of Juvia's hips. Every time she steps, they knock to one side and then the other, and it's distracting. He thinks about her standing in his bedroom last night, a lot of pale skin, a few dark bands of clothing, and the way she looked at him, the way she almost demanded that he look at her.</p><p>She is not that girl today.</p><p>Her mood conflicts with the clothing Ultear's given her to wear. Her jeans are light blue, high rise, and her sweater is rainbow coloured, stripy, bright, playful, but she is a storm. Gray's at once drawn in and cautious to stay away. No surprise there.</p><p>Juvia hasn't broken the silence since they've set out from Ultear's, and Gray's in no rush to do so either. Jellal, never much of a talker, to begin with, smokes his cigarette quietly and daydreams about whatever dangerous thing he frequently daydreams about.</p><p>Why they turn the corner, it's a relief to see the safehouse. That quickly turns to exasperation, though, when Juvia opens the door and pokes her head inside the foyer. A very tall and very wide man sits at the front desk and spies them like they're ticks here to spread disease.</p><p>"Hold on now. Where's the party?" the man rumbles asks.</p><p>"No party, sir," Juvia is quick to correct him. "I'm here to see Meredy."</p><p>His beady eyes scan her over and he purses his lips. "She's already had a visitor today."</p><p>"Is she allowed only one?" Juvia proses. "It's not a jail."</p><p>"It's not a hotel, either."</p><p>Juvia takes a breath. "I know. I'm her friend. She's not feeling well. I wanted to make sure she's okay and see if she needs anything." She speaks rapidly and shifts foot to foot. If this guy doesn't buzz her through soon, Gray thinks she'll make a run for it anyway, the rules be damned.</p><p>The guard slides his suspicious glare to Gray and Jellal. "They're with you, too?"</p><p>"Yes," Juvia answers.</p><p>The man sits back in his chair and crosses his arms over his wide chest. "Only you can go in. They'd have to wait outside." He says it like it's a dealbreaker, but Juvia nods immediately.</p><p>"That's fine."</p><p>Gray sighs internally. Places like this <em>are </em>like a jail. Though the fact that the guard is letting Juvia in at all is amazing. "We'll wait on the bench out front," he informs Juvia. She barely nods in his direction, most of her focus on getting inside, upstairs, to Meredy's room.</p><p>The metal door closes decisively behind Gray and the spring air wraps around him. It's warmer again today like spring is well on its way. With the unseasonable weather these last few days, there's hardly any snow on the ground, only puddles that freeze when the sun goes down, to show where it had been.</p><p>He drops himself down onto the bench after a cursory glance at the wood, where lettering such as <em>Fuck LD </em>and above it in a very similar hand, M + L. Beside that is lyrics to obscure songs Gray doesn't know.</p><p>Jellal sits on a detailed etching of a monster and leans back on the bench, one arm slung behind Gray but not touching him. It's purposeful, however casual he acts. He smokes, offers Gray the cigarette after a couple of puffs. Gray almost doesn't take it but wants something to do with his hands.</p><p>"Why'd you come out?" Jellal asks. His eyes rest easily on the busy street, as though he doesn't care one way or another for Gray's answer, even though his body is angled Gray's way.</p><p>"I didn't have anything else going on today," Gray says with just as much false ease. "Needed some fresh air." It's not entirely a lie. This time of year makes him uneasy. He has an anniversary fast-approaching he's not much looking forward to. He doesn't calendar watch, or at least he tries to not, but he always seems to know what day of the month it is.</p><p>Jellal scoffs and breaks the fragile pretense. "Can't you just say Ul thinks I'm going to ruin her?"</p><p>"Ultear, Juvia, or Meredy?" Gray asks for clarification.</p><p>"Everyone. Everything." Jellal puts his head back, slumping a little on the bench. Gray remains upright but watches the clouds whip by. It might be nice on the ground, but the atmospheric wind is ushering in something wicked.</p><p>"Are you going to?"</p><p>Jellal smiles. "You all give me too much credit."</p><p>Gray doesn't think that's true. The Jellal that stood on the tracks would destroy Ultear. The Jellal that sat on the picnic table contemplating drugs would destroy Meredy. The Jellal on the swing set last night looking for a kiss would destroy Juvia.</p><p>"You hurt people without even realizing it." Like Juvia, Jellal is a storm. He doesn't care what he smashes up when he needs to release his pressure. He himself is not even safe.</p><p>Jellal removes his arm from behind Gray and sits forward. Gray waits for him to stand, to walk away, but Jellal doesn't. He takes his cigarette back from Gray and smokes it slowly, drawing long from the filter. "I don't mean to," he says after a long bout of silence.</p><p>"Everyone knows that." Gray chews the familiar groove in his cheek, finding the spots for his teeth. "Sometimes, it's good to have some distance from you when that happens, though."</p><p>In profile, Gray can see Jellal's mouth pull into a smile, soft, defeated, almost. "And you."</p><p>It's not an attack, Jellal's words are too bland for that, but Gray feels personally affronted anyway. The truth is the truth, though, there's no denying how toxic he can be. "We need to stop feeding off each other. It's not healthy."</p><p>"You sound like Ultear."</p><p>Gray shrugs. "They may be her words, but they're the truth."</p><p>Jellal lets all his breath out at once. "Yeah." He stands.</p><p>A spike of fear cuts through Gray's chest. "Where are you going?"</p><p>"I just walk to walk. That's what we came out here to do, right?"</p><p>"We have to wait for Juvia," Gray reminds him.</p><p>Jellal's eyes are fixed on the road and not on Gray. "You go ahead."</p><p>"Jellal," Gray calls at his back. "hang on."</p><p>"There are no trains here," Jellal turns around and walks backward, closer, closer, closer to the road. "Relax."</p><p>No trains but plenty of other blunt objects for him to throw himself against.</p><p>Gray stands and after shooting a quick text to Meredy's phone, joins Jellal.</p><hr/><p>Juvia sits on Meredy's comforter and tries to act like she doesn't feel like an outsider. Meredy lays on her bed and flips through photos on Instagram. Juvia twists her fingers together, struggling to find the words to break the silence between them, strung after a quick <em>hello </em>and <em>how are you feeling</em>, and broach the subject of their obviously failing friendship.</p><p>She wants to cry. Is on the verge. Just needs a little shove.</p><p>Meredy seems to sense this and is impatient in her body language. People don't like to be around sad girls. Or anxious girls. Or struggling girls of any kind. Especially when they feel responsible for it.</p><p>Meredy's phone dings. "Jellal and Gray are going for a walk," she says to her phone screen. <em>You could catch up to them if you left now, </em>remains unsaid.</p><p>"I'd rather stay here."</p><p>"You're not doing anything here." Meredy still doesn't raise her eyes.</p><p>"I want to talk."</p><p>"But you're not."</p><p>"It's not easy."</p><p>"Especially when you don't start."</p><p><em>You could start first, </em>Juvia thinks. She won't say it. She has to say <em>something</em>, though.</p><p>Juvia digs her nails into the meaty part of her palm. "I miss you," she blurts. She would say <em>anything</em> not to be kicked out of Meredy's room without being back in her favour, but this, at least, is true.</p><p>Meredy finally looks up from her phone. Juvia prepares herself for contempt but the expression Meredy wears is tentative relief. "You do?"</p><p>"Like crazy," Juvia gushes now. She pulls her leg up on the bed and faces Meredy. "I'm sorry." She doesn't even know what she's apologizing for. For being awful? Or was it Meredy that was being that way? Juvia doesn't know, doesn't care. "I just want things to be normal again. Can we do that?"</p><p>Meredy plays with the ends of her hair like she does when she's thinking about something particularly consuming. She rolls her lips together. "I don't even know why we were fighting." She says it leadingly, daring Juvia to bring up the details of their latest argument.</p><p>"I don't think it matters," Juvia hurries to say. "We can just put it all behind us." She adds a wobbly smile that turns full-blown when Meredy returns it.</p><p>"If you're cool with it, then yea. Let's just forget anything happened."</p><p>Juvia's relief almost makes her laugh aloud. She grabs Meredy and pulls her in for a tight hug. She smells clean and her hair is still damp close to her neck.</p><p>"You're squishing me," Meredy says but she's laughing. Juvia still holds her that way for another few heartbeats before sitting back and letting Meredy push herself upright on the bed. She's still in her pajamas, a tank top and shorts, and her skin has a bit of a peaky look to it. There's a glass of water by her bedside, undrunk, and a plate of mostly uneaten toast.</p><p>"Now that that's behind us, maybe..." Meredy trails off.</p><p>"What?" Juvia asks. <em>Anything</em>, she thinks.</p><p>"You can come out with me tonight." Meredy's falsely bright. "It'll be a lot of fun."</p><p>"Out where?"</p><p>"Oh, Mard says there's a party at his house."</p><p>A stone weight lands on Juvia's chest and makes it difficult to breathe. "Don't you have to work?"</p><p>"It's my night off." A beat of silence passes before Meredy adds, "Come on, Juvia, don't look like that."</p><p>Too late, Juvia realizes she's screwing up her face in discontent. She tries to fix it, but the damage is already done. Meredy looks defensive again. "I thought you said he was a jerk?" Juvia tries.</p><p>"That was before."</p><p>"Before <em>what</em>?"</p><p>"Before I realized he was just shy."</p><p>Juvia scoffs. She cannot stop herself. "I don't think you know what shy means, then."</p><p>Meredy's eyebrows tighten. "He's <em>awkward</em> around girls. That's why he was such a big dick before. He's way better now. Trust me."</p><p>"We had a fight," Juvia recalls. "In the park."</p><p>"I know," Meredy surprises her by saying. "He told me. He <em>also </em>told me he was sorry. He feels really bad about that."</p><p>"Jackal was going to…" she doesn't know what he was going to do. She finishes with, "He <em>spat </em>on me."</p><p>"Jackal's an asshole. He's not going to be there tonight."</p><p>Juvia closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I can't believe this."</p><p>Meredy grabs her hands and Juvia opens her eyes again. All anger has fled Meredy, now she just looks pleading. "Just give him a chance, Juvie. You'll see he's not that bad."</p><p>"And if he is?" She can still feel the bruises from Mard's grip around her ribs. She still has scabs on her chin, for god's sake. Her knuckles still <em>ache.</em></p><p>"Then we'll leave, and we'll never utter the name Mard Geer again."</p><p>Juvia scrutinizes her. "You promise?"</p><p>"I promise." Meredy holds out her pinky for a pinky swear. Juvia accepts it and Meredy squeals and launches herself back into Juvia's arms. "We're going to have so much fun tonight!"</p><p>Juvia doesn't believe it, no matter how she tries.</p><p>"I still have your duffle of clothes here." Meredy points to the closet. "I put them away to make some room. Pull them out, let's see what you have to wear." <em>Let me choose for you so you don't embarrass me tonight, </em>she means. But also,<em> let me choose for you because you can't choose for yourself. </em></p><p><em>Don't fight</em>, Juvia reminds herself. The ice they stand on is brand new and thin. One wrong move and they'll both be drowning.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Best ones are bad for me<br/>In love with agony<br/>I guess it's my fate that I'm a catastrophe</p><hr/><p>Part of Mard's house slumps toward the swamp it's built upon. The blue paint on the board and batten is peeling and flaking and has been for a decade or more, Juvia assumes when she sees it, and the windows sit crookedly in their sills.</p><p>The house is in such disrepair on the outside, she's afraid to go <em>in</em>.</p><p>"Are you sure about this?" Juvia dares to ask over the music that rattles the bare branches of the trees that surround the property. It seems like the party is in full swing, though there are only a couple of cars in the driveway.</p><p>"What do you mean, am I sure?" Meredy responds.</p><p>Juvia's stomach pitches with nerves. She doesn't know how Meredy will respond when she says, "I have movie points. We could go watch something."</p><p>Meredy rolls her eyes. "Don't be a drag." Then she flounces up like she's done this before. This house is familiar to her, at least a little, and she doesn't hesitate to open the door and invite herself inside. Juvia, who has been trepidatious since they left the safehouse, hesitates outside, sure once she steps into this beast mouth, everything is going to change.</p><p><em>Like everything has changed for Meredy</em>. Meredy, who has stopped piling makeup on like she did when she first started wearing it and has started using decisive strokes that make her look sharp and dangerous, Meredy, who just a few months ago asked Juvia what it was like to be with a guy, Meredy, who had never been <em>this </em>girl.</p><p>Meredy pops her head back out the door and pins Juvia to the spot. "Come on."</p><p>Juvia wrings the bottom of her coat. Her throat feels as small as a reed. <em>I don't know if I can, </em>she thinks because she cannot speak.</p><p>Meredy comes down a few steps, just close enough she can snag Juvia's hand. "Everything is going to be fine."</p><p>
  <em>Just fine.</em>
</p><p>"Take one of your pills," Meredy suggests. "You haven't taken one today, right?"</p><p>Juvia shakes her head and reaches into her purse. The pill bottle is half empty now. It's been a long time since she's taken them so consistently. She still can't tell whether they make her feel more normal or not. She wishes they were faster acting. Juvia Lockser wishes a lot of things. Mostly, though, that she had the fortitude to hold Meredy back from this place when they set out this evening.</p><p>There's no stopping Meredy from entering the dim house. The only thing Juvia can do is follow.</p><p>It smells like mildew and cat pee and unwashed things. The ancient hardwood floor slumps toward the back of the house, toward laughter. Juvia feels like she's walking into a funhouse on Halloween. Every nerve ending is on fire, waiting for the villain to leap out at her. No matter what Meredy said, Juvia's fight with Mard is in the forefront of her mind, and she's fully expecting retaliation.</p><p>The hallway widens into the kitchen, where three people sit around the round kitchen table—Mard and the two girls from Phantom the night Meredy left with Jackal and Mard.</p><p>Beer bottles and empty glasses choke the space, cigarette smoke burns Juvia's nose, and then there are the drugs. She recognizes the same kind of pipe Jellal uses sitting prone on the table. The same kind of pipe she picked up from the ground and put in her bag. It looks criminal there out in the open, but not out of place, not here.</p><p>Mard whistles appreciatively when Meredy sheds her coat, and he sees her in the outfit she's chosen tonight. Her pants are tight and shiny and black and come to rest at her hipbones, and her top is cropped, strappy X's on the back, a black ribbon around her waist. Her hair is bright amongst the monochrome colours.</p><p>"Wow," he praises with a wolf-like grin. Meredy's responding smile turns a million watt.</p><p>"You like it?"</p><p>"That's one word for it." He grabs her around the hips and pulls her into his lap. She laughs and drops her coat and leaves it there on the floor amongst all the detritus. Juvia wants to keep her jacket <em>on</em>. She doesn't know why she let Meredy talk her into wearing this shirt like this. normally, she'd have a tank on underneath or something…</p><p>"Sit down, Juvia," Meredy says when she notices Juvia hasn't moved.</p><p>The dark-haired girl moves closer to the girl with the light green hair, making more room. Juvia takes in a deep breath and lowers herself into the seat opposite Mard—it's an excellent place to glare at him.</p><p>"Take your coat off," Mard suggests. "Stay awhile."</p><p>Juvia doubly doesn't want to now, but Meredy's looking at her pleadingly and she cannot fathom letting her down again. As she undoes the buttons on her coat, she feels Mard's eyes clinging to the skin visible between the black mesh of her shirt. Once she's free of the fabric and in the open in her fishnet shirt and the black bralette beneath, she leans forward and crosses her arms over her chest, using that to ward off his sticky, appreciative gaze, and the probing gaze of the woman beside her.</p><p>"Can we have a beer, Mard?" Meredy asks.</p><p>"It's in the fridge." Mard barely looks at Meredy as she gets up, his eyes are still pinning Juvia in place.</p><p>Juvia meets his gaze steadily. "If you want me to apologize for the other night, I won't."</p><p>Meredy swings back around to glare at Juvia from the open fridge. She looks downright mortified. Mard only laughs, though. "Can you believe this chick?" he addresses the girls to Juvia's left.</p><p>The girl with the lighter hair grins savagely and looks at Juvia. "You're the one that punched Jackal?"</p><p>"He's an asshole and deserved it," Juvia clarifies to the laugh of all those around the table.</p><p>"Get us all a beer, Meredy?" Mard requests.</p><p>When Meredy drops one down in front of Juvia, she looks at the frosting bottle with uncertainty. The last time she drank, she got herself into a world of trouble.</p><p>"I won't let anything happen to you," Meredy promises, reading her thoughts. Besides, the beer is closed, in a glass bottle, no one can spike it, not if she takes it with her everywhere. Juvia accepts the offer and swallows down three huge gulps. She's uncomfortable in this place. Mard still hasn't stopped looking at her. His gaze is like sun-rotten toffee. No matter how she moves, she cannot be free of it.</p><p>For an hour or more, it's the five of them. The girls are Seilah and Kyouka, Juvia learns. They don't speak to her much, preferring to engage Mard. Meredy sits on Mard's lap like a crowning jewel, hanging onto his words and drinking beer after beer until she's red-cheeked and giggly and wobbling, loud. Juvia is partway through her third, fuzzier than she hoped to be, but needing a sedative because she hates it here. She cannot wait for Meredy to grow tired of this company and ask to go home.</p><p>A door at the back of the house opens and in swaggers a bowling ball-shaped man. His mouth is too wide, and his eyes are too dead and when he walks, it's with a bit of a limp. Several other people filter in behind him. They call hellos but Mard pays them no mind aside from a lift of a lazy hand.</p><p>"Fran. Glad you made it," Mard greets with a grin that the man returns, though it doesn't meet his eyes. He stands at the edge of the table and looks down at Mard as he passes him a hunk of something that looks like plastic-wrapped dirt.</p><p>"For sure. But you still owe for the last one, Mard," the man reminds him.</p><p>"I'll pay."</p><p>"That's what you said last time and I was making excuses for you for a week," Fran speaks with a confident swagger but Juvia can tell that Mard makes him uncomfortable. There's something about him that doesn't sit right with Juvia, either. She's surprised that he's even challenging Mard.</p><p>"Do you need to borrow some money?" Meredy asks, seemingly oblivious to the tension.</p><p>"I'm not going to take your money, babe," Mard says. "Her money's no good, right, Fran?"</p><p>A spark comes to Fran's eyes that Juvia <em>absolutely </em>hates. "Not her money, no."</p><p>Mard turns to Meredy slowly. "There are more ways than one to pay a debt, though, right?"</p><p>"Absolutely," Fran agrees.</p><p>Juvia is fearful for her beer bottle, she's gripping it so hard. "No."</p><p>Meredy doesn't seem to understand what Mard's suggesting.</p><p>Mard's gaze settles on Juvia once more. "Do you wanna help me out instead?"</p><p>"You're disgusting."</p><p>"I'm not hearing a no," Fran cackles.</p><p>Juvia stands. "Come on, Meredy."</p><p>Meredy lifts her head, startled. "What?"</p><p>"We're leaving." Juvia's gaze remains fixed on Mard.</p><p>Mard's laughing and patting the air again. "I was kidding, kidding. Relax." He shoos Fran away with a wave of his hand. "Get out. We'll talk later."</p><p>Fran remains, looking at Juvia. "Gajeel's on the back deck."</p><p>Mard says, "Then tell him to come in."</p><p>Fran shakes his head. "He wants to talk to this one."</p><p>To Juvia's surprise, he points at her. "Me?" she asks for clarification, though there can be no mistake.</p><p>"That's what he said." Fran shrugs his wide shoulders and then turns away from the table, disappearing into another part of the house Juvia hasn't yet seen. Every eye is once again on Juvia.</p><p>"He's not a patient guy," Mard says. "You best go."</p><p>Juvia looks to Meredy, expecting her to offer to join her, but Meredy chooses to drink her beer and stay in Mard's lap. "Meredy."</p><p>"Just go talk to him," Meredy says. Her cheeks are flushed beyond what the alcohol has done. <em>She's embarrassed, </em>Juvia thinks. That hits hard.</p><p>Juvia huffs and stands. "Very well." She feels so close to tears as she exits the way Fran entered. Her mind churns as she tries to remember where she's heard the name <em>Gajeel </em>before. It's so familiar, but she cannot place it. The cool early spring wind on her skin is startling, like thorns, dragging her from eons of slumber.</p><p><em>You are no princess, </em>Juvia reminds herself. She's never been fond of fairy tales. They aren't written about girls like her, or Meredy for that matter, it's never about the nobodies. She's not rich, she's not over-the-top tragic. She's just regular-everyday ruined.</p><p>Under the pale-yellow porchlight waits a familiar-looking man. It takes Juvia a moment to place him, though, his back is turned, and she doesn't know him intimately. It's his gravelly voice that gives him away when he says without turning around, "There's the little bluebird."</p><p>The pieces click together. This is the man from the safehouse, the one that harassed Meredy, and then that girl in the hallway. The guy from Phantom.</p><p>"What do you want?" Juvia demands.</p><p>A cloud of cigarette smoke prefaces his reply. Juvia takes the time in between his words to sidle up beside him and even the playing field. She has the stairs on her right in case she needs more space between them, but she wants to see his face.</p><p>Gajeel tips his head her way just slightly. His long hair is pulled back and all his piercings glint in the light of the porch. The Juvia before the train would be intimidated by all his proclamations of painlessness, but <em>this </em>Juvia, who has tasted actual fear, is wary, but not quivering.</p><p>"You missed work yesterday and today."</p><p>"I wasn't feeling well."</p><p>He surprises Juvia by reaching out and putting the back of his hand against her forehead as if to check her temperature. There is no goodwill behind the gesture but a healthy amount of malice. "You feel just fine to me."</p><p>Juvia bats his hand away and glares. "Don't touch me."</p><p>He laughs. "Else what?"</p><p>Juvia squeezes her sore knuckles, thinking of a retort, but she's not that girl, a snappy and threatening reply ready on her tongue.</p><p>"Else nothing, I think." Gajeel gets way into Juvia's space, pressing her back against the bannister and blocking off her escape route. There's hardly an inch between them in such a short amount of time, Juvia can't think to protest.</p><p>Gajeel leans in and in, close enough to kiss but looking far too mean for that to be on his mind. "You made a deal with Jose. You're going to honour it. Show up tomorrow. Or else."</p><p>"What are you going to do if I don't?" Juvia is glad she sounds defiant and not put off. No one has ever tried to intimidate her the way Gajeel is trying now. They use her for everything she has, they leave her in the street. She doesn't understand what's happening now.</p><p>Gajeel grabs her biceps and squeezes until she grimaces. His only answer is, "Show up or things are going to get real bad, real fast, and it won't be just for you."</p><p>Juvia can see real pleasure in his eyes and understands—he likes this, inflicting fear and pain, and Jose knows. He knows and encourages.</p><p>Suddenly, Juvia feels like a rat in a cage. She finds leverage from somewhere and pushes Gajeel off and away. She's free now, but on the wrong side of the steps. There's nothing but a fenced-in porch around her, both the door leading inside and the lawn on Gajeel's side. Her heart is racing, and she can't get enough air no matter how deeply she breathes.</p><p>Juvia prepares herself for another battle. She will go down kicking and screaming, she will bloody this man, blind him if she must—</p><p>Gajeel turns from her and walks into the night, leaving Juvia standing on the porch and heaving in breath, wondering if she'll be sick.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>This cycle is repetitive<br/>Sex, rock 'n' roll, sedatives<br/>Degenerates, need medicine</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>It takes Juvia some time to calm down enough to return to Mard's house. She can hear the party is in full swing now and when she glances in through the window from the back porch, there are people on every available surface, dancing, drinking, swaying softly to a beat too rough for gentle movements.</p>
      <p>In the living room, amongst all the drudgery of bodies and old, torn couches and a tube TV that probably hasn't worked for ten years, Juvia sees Meredy standing between Mard and another person Juvia can't quite see from this angle. It's only when she opens the door and comes inside that she recognizes Fran with his disgusting bulbous eyes. He's looking Meredy over like she's catfish bait, especially when Mard wraps his hands around Meredy's front and hefts her breasts in his hands, smiling smugly and snickering at Meredy's quiet squawk of indignation.</p>
      <p>Juvia's anger hits a new record.</p>
      <p>She flies across the room without thought and snags Meredy away from Mard.</p>
      <p>"Juvia," Meredy protests in a much lower tone, following but resisting every step of the way. "What are you doing?"</p>
      <p>"I want to leave." Juvia makes good progress in marching toward the front door. The kitchen is this way, she thinks, they can grab their coats on the way out.</p>
      <p>"No." Meredy twists her wrist out of Juvia's hand, forcing Juvia to halt and turn on her. "I'm not leaving." Meredy crosses her arms over her chest and has the nerve to look angry. They're attracting some attention now. The music still blares but conversations around the room have quieted to hear the drama.</p>
      <p>Juvia marches back and hisses lowly, "Meredy, please." Everyone around them looks like a beast, salivating for discord. There's not a friendly face amongst them. Not even Meredy's. Coming here was a mistake and Juvia needs to rectify it. "This isn't a good place."</p>
      <p>"I'm having fun."</p>
      <p>"You're being <em>pawed</em>," Juvia reminds her.</p>
      <p>Meredy flushes. "It's okay."</p>
      <p>"Because you want to be treated like that?" Juvia blurts.</p>
      <p>Meredy looks like she's been struck by the bluntness of Juvia's words, but only for a millisecond, then she smooths her features. "He likes me."</p>
      <p><em>Lots of men do, </em>Juvia wants to scream. <em>It's not that special. </em>But she knows that's not true. Sometimes, it does make her feel special to be beneath the gaze of a wanting man. She craves it. She puts herself in front of them purposefully, just to see how much they might want her, and for what? Because it makes her feel good about herself? She doesn't even know if that's true anymore.</p>
      <p><em>Did I do this to Meredy? </em>Juvia wonders. <em>Am I the reason she thinks this is healthy?</em></p>
      <p>They must get out of here. Meredy will never leave for those reasons, though.</p>
      <p>"You've been with Mard all night and I don't know anyone here," Juvia says, switching tactics. "It's not fun."</p>
      <p>Instead of being deterred, Meredy looks encouraged. "I'll text Gray and Jellal."</p>
      <p>Juvia opens her mouth in protest. Meredy's already turned away with her phone in hand, sliding back into Mard's arms and Fran's sticky stare.</p>
      <p>In defeat, Juvia turns from their display and tries to find a corner of the house she can be in peace in. Everywhere except the front porch is full, and probably because it's getting cold out again.</p>
      <p>There's a wicker chair Juvia considers but it looks like something has been spilled on it in its past and she can't identify the liquid, so she avoids it for the porch railing. It wobbles when she settles on it, threatening to dump her onto the lawn below.</p>
      <p>When Juvia is sure she's not going to end up on her back in the mud, she settles in to watch the party rage on inside. Meredy lifts her face to laugh at something Mard's said, and he kisses her. It all looks very fake to Juvia, but Meredy sways, and it's not just the alcohol that's made her this way. <em>He likes me</em>, she said. Juvia can't count the times she herself has played <em>they love me; they love me not</em>. <em>They love me, they want to fuck me.</em></p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Jellal drags Gray around the city for hours. They rarely talk, and when they do, it's not about anything poignant or real, videos they've watched, the latest scandal, the unidentified car in Ur's driveway last week that she's been suspiciously coy about, but they're building toward something, Gray feels it in every step he takes, every breath.</p>
      <p>They've been circling Magnolia. They started in the inner limits and have progressed outward. They've passed Erza's street, where Jellal hesitated for an instant, too short for anyone but Gray or maybe Ultear to notice and have started toward the part of town where Gray lived with his father. He hasn't prowled these streets in a long time and it's starting to make him antsy. Jellal casts glances at him on occasion, making Gray think this trajectory is purposeful. Jellal is <em>trying </em>to make him itchy. He can't understand for what reason, though.</p>
      <p>They don't even have to come off the main streets to see the house. There's a cut in the trees where its white siding shines through, yellowed, ancient, and rotting, a physical reminder of the wound Gray still lets fester. It's his turn to hesitate and look at the board and batten that was once whitewashed, the flower garden that flourished in his childhood, the oak tree in the front that he would spend hours climbing with Lyon, the happiest he'd ever be but too ignorant to know it or appreciate it in any way.</p>
      <p>Jellal watches him as though he is a beast hungry for Gray's misery. Here they are again, one of them feeling normalized when the other suffers. Gray knows he should stop, he should look away, he should be pissed off at Jellal for bringing him back here, but he remains immobile, looking at his old house, bludgeoned by memories. His jaw twangs with the phantom of an old hurt, Del dislocated it that night. He broke Gray's arm, blackened his eyes, mashed his nose, knocked out some baby teeth.</p>
      <p>And for all that hurt, even if he had to relive it again, Gray wants to go back to the time before he was disillusioned. Back to when his mother was alive and his father grinned rather than grimaced, and they didn't <em>have </em>people like Del to the house. Back to when instead of telling Gray to get his things, his father would bury Del in the ground.</p>
      <p>It's difficult to gather breath.</p>
      <p>Jellal's hand closes around Gray's and he pulls him onward, down the street, away from that chaos of memories into another, more turbulent time. Gray can see where they're going well before the river spans out in front of them. He should tell Jellal <em>that's enough</em>, but he continues down the road, his hand numb in Jellal's. The touch is intimate and it's not. It's not a lover's hold, but the hold of a person that wants to see the trauma in him, the distance so vast between the two, yet somehow, Gray and Jellal have made it indiscernible.</p>
      <p>It's dark now. Streetlights make halos on the ground. They walk through them every few steps and every time Gray comes into their light, he feels real, and every time he falls into the darkness between them, he's a ghost.</p>
      <p>Jellal's face is blank. He's not sorry. He's not concerned. He walks on with admirable stoniness. Gray can't tell what he's thinking.</p>
      <p>The bridge bucks up like ribs avulsed from the body of the city. It shines, reflecting the light from the surface of the water beneath. It's as mystical and dangerous-looking today as it was the day Gray stood on its side and looked down, thinking he was committed to plunging into the icy water below but waiting for someone to stop him.</p>
      <p>His feet are leaden. Jellal is the force in this venture, pulling him up, up, up the hill, right to the bridge edge, and then onto its wooden deck. Gray lets his free hand trail over the gussets. They feel porous and ready to be replaced. The thought makes him sad, in a way. This place is a part of him, albeit a mouldering one.</p>
      <p>Jellal stops at the very highest arch in the bridge and then looks out over the water. Finally, he releases Gray's hand, and it's like waking up from a dream. Gray cannot say why they are here, or why he let Jellal drag him so far off course on this mission of madness.</p>
      <p>They stand there, Jellal seemingly listening to the sound of the ice breaking up in the water, and Gray listening to Jellal's haggard breaths. They're close enough, he can feel Jellal shivering, and he doesn't think it's simply the cold.</p>
      <p>"Why are we here?" he asks when Jellal makes no moves and asks no questions. Gray's stomach is alive with nerves. He wants Ultear here. She always knows how to navigate Jellal's moods.</p>
      <p>"Does it make you nostalgic?" Jellal faces Gray to ask.</p>
      <p>"I used to swim across the river here in the summer," Gray answers, which is neither a yes nor a no, and Jellal knows it.</p>
      <p>"Me and Erza, too." He acts like her name costs nothing to say, but Gray sees the way he flinches from it.</p>
      <p>Gray knows it's foolish but hears himself say, "She'd forgive you if you talked to her."</p>
      <p>"I don't <em>want </em>to be forgiven." The sudden spark in Jellal's eyes reminds Gray of the way Del looked at him just before the beating began. Or was it mid-way through? That night is a blur, part concussion, partly buried memories.</p>
      <p>Gray doesn't respond and Jellal goes back to looking out over the water, the tension pouring out of him again. He gets out his pipe, lights it, blows the sticky sweet smoke out into the atmosphere.</p>
      <p>"Why are we here?" Gray asks again after a few minutes have gone by and Jellal seems docile once again.</p>
      <p>Jellal's answer is long in coming and when it does, it's halted. "Ultear told me to ask you what made you go on from here."</p>
      <p>As though what's good for one person might be good for another.</p>
      <p>Gray thinks, <em>I never really wanted to jump</em>. He didn't know it until he was looking at the space below him and imagining what it would be like to hit that icy water. "I thought maybe there'd be something else to live for if I kept on living."</p>
      <p>"But you had nothing." Jellal's voice is dreamy and soft now with the drugs working through his system.</p>
      <p>"It didn't feel like it then."</p>
      <p>"And now?"</p>
      <p>"We're standing out here together, aren't we?" Gray asks.</p>
      <p>Jellal studies him, face blank again. It's impossible to read him.</p>
      <p>Gray's phone chimes in his pocket and when he pulls it out, he's surprised to see Meredy has texted him. It's brief, an address and a <em>show up</em>. He thinks that might be all the explanation he gets, but another text arrives. <em>Juvia's bored</em>.</p>
      <p>He doesn't know what to make of that. He feels a smile tugging on his lips. He quashes it.</p>
      <p>Jellal reads from the corner of his eye. "That's Mard's place."</p>
      <p>Gray sighs toward the sky. "Seriously?"</p>
      <p>Jellal would know, of course. "Are we going to go?"</p>
      <p>"The last time I saw Mard, I punched him in the face."</p>
      <p>More than that. He would have beat Mard until he stopped moving if Jose didn't interrupt. Jellal, Ultear, Meredy, they all would have let him.</p>
      <p>"And?" Jellal waits patiently for Gray to decide.</p>
      <p>Gray looks at the address Meredy sent to him and sighs again. His stomach is back to pitching with unease. If he believed in fate, he'd say this confrontation is inevitable, but he knows as he points his feet toward the dingy part of town that he's making a choice. Jellal asked how Gray moved on from the bridge. The answer is, he hasn't. He's just found different, more lasting ways to punish himself. His knuckles ache in anticipation.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>porch-dwelling dreamers</p><p>who can't remember why they came</p><p>to sleepwalk</p><p>and sweet talk</p><p>to pluck your pretty petals</p><p>until he loves you not</p><p>he loves me not</p><hr/><p>It's hard for Juvia to look away from Mard's front window. From this vantage point, she can see everything, almost everyone. Most importantly, though, she can see Meredy. She watches her sway in Mard's arms, drunker now than she was even twenty minutes ago. Every new touch they share sends a spike of hate for Mard through Juvia's chest, distills her down to that one feeling, makes it seem like this is the only way she will ever feel. How can they move on from this spot, where Meredy has drawn a line in the sand, you, and me, and the we we used to be?</p><p>Juvia hates the feeling in her chest when it's so tight and small and the only thing she can feel is this weird mix of sadness and longing and fury, the knowledge that Meredy should be sitting out here with <em>her, </em>not bending to Mard's whim inside this dumpy house, and for what? Juvia doesn't understand. <em>She doesn't get it</em>. Meredy is smart. She's strong. She's kind. She knows her worth.</p><p>Or she did.</p><p>What has changed? And how has it changed so dramatically?</p><p><em>How has it changed without me</em>?</p><p>To be included, Juvia knows the grim truth: she would do anything. Even drink two more beers and bare herself to Mard's ridicule. Hold herself open to being stared at and objectified. She would <em>beg </em>for Meredy to treat her like she used to. What else would she do?</p><p>Juvia scrubs her palms on her knees. She's itchy all over and dizzy with the realization: she doesn't care what she must do if it makes things better again—anything, everything.</p><p>Though it won't be the same.</p><p>She knows. Somewhere in her mind, she knows the truth. She and Meredy and dying. These are death throes.</p><p>Juvia denounces the thought. Pushes it down, away, until it feels like nothing.</p><p>She rises from the railing. She's freezing, right through her fishnets and to her bare skin beneath. Her back is the worst of it. It feels almost numb. It will feel good to go inside and nestle up to Meredy, using her actions as a form of apology. It'll feel good to have Meredy's arms wrap around her and thaw the numbness.</p><p>But when Juvia reaches for the door, someone warm and solid grabs her hand and pulls her back, away from the door and into their orbit. Fear rockets through Juvia's veins until she can force her panicked mind to slow, to focus, to recognize the fall of Gray's raven black hair and the steady hold of his eyes, as though if he just looks at her, she'll look back, and she won't see anything going on inside the house.</p><p>"Hi." Gray doesn't sound as distant and fuzzy as Juvia feels. He looks her over once, quick. His gazes are always that way, fleeting, never sticking, too short to feel uncomfortable, and how Juvia wishes he would just <em>look.</em> Hold her back against the wall and gaze at her up and down and tell her what he's thinking when he does that. It's more than nothing. She's sure of it.</p><p>Then Juvia remembers Meredy texted him for her. She flushes. "Hi."</p><p>Jellal appears behind Gray looking exactly as fuzzy as Juvia feels. He does look her over, her chapped and pale hands and the goosebumps on her arms, the space between them. "You're freezing."</p><p>"I guess I left my coat in the kitchen," Juvia says.</p><p>Jellal glances into the window. Whatever he sees there makes his face scrunch up. Juvia wants to look bad, but Gray is still holding her wrist and every time she turns that way, he swipes his thumb over the skin there and distracts her.</p><p>Jellal offers, "I'll grab it."</p><p>"We can go in," Juvia says. "It's warmer inside."</p><p>"I want to smoke," Gray answers as Jellal slips in through the front door. It closes again. "Stay out here with me."</p><p>"You're stalling." She's not so drunk not to know that. "I want to know why."</p><p>Gray sighs and this time when Juvia turns on the spot, her eyes settle on a familiar head of blonde hair. Her heart lifts and crashes down, leaving her breathless and furious at once. "Meredy said Jackal wasn't coming tonight. She lied."</p><p>Gray lights a cigarette he takes from his ear. "Maybe she didn't know."</p><p>Juvia hardly pays attention to him, once again at the window. This time she holds the soggy windowsill in her hands and peers in, almost pressing her face to the glass. Jackal comes into the living room and drunk Meredy lights up like a Christmas bulb. Juvia knows what it's like to be beneath <em>that</em> radiant smile and only becomes more jealous, more furious, only feels more betrayed, especially when Jackal grabs her right there, holds her face between his hands, and kisses her smack on the lips, no hesitation, no thought to how Mard might feel about the display, just a quick but aggressive press of his lips. When he releases her again, Meredy has to stumble back to get her balance.</p><p>Juvia looks at Mard desperately, hoping he will punch Jackal at least, but he's laughing. This is all a joke to him. Meredy means nothing. She's his newest conquest in a line how long?</p><p>Juvia freezes where she is and wills Jackal to catch her eyes through the window. Her muscles are full of adrenaline. She can go inside now, finish what she and Jackal started the other day. She's never wanted to hit someone more in her life. He probably feels similarly. They hate each other, and nothing will smooth that over.</p><p>The door opens again and Jellal exits carrying an armful of coats. He's grinning almost manically.</p><p>"What is that?" Juvia asks, momentarily distracted.</p><p>Jellal says simply, "I didn't know which was yours."</p><p>Juvia blinks at him.</p><p>"So I grabbed them all." He drops them on the porch without ceremony and starts going through them, holding various up for Juvia's inspection, and when that doesn't make her laugh, he begins to model them. Some he can get over his broad shoulders, but others belong to women and he can only drape them with dramatic flair, assigning accents and personalities to each coat, startling a laugh out of Gray, and then from Juvia.</p><p>Finally, after several giggle-filled minutes, Jellal comes to Juvia's jacket and holds it up for inspection. "Celui-ci, Madame?" he asks.</p><p>"Oui, Monsieur," she answers, somehow distracted into playing along.</p><p>He sweeps it over her shoulders and turns her away from the house in the process. "Come. There's a secret place."</p><p>"The coats," Juvia protests.</p><p>"They're fine."</p><p>She voices her real fear. "I can't leave without Meredy."</p><p>"We're not going far," Jellal promises and tugs Juvia down the stairs.</p><p>Gray follows behind them, silent but smiling a half-smile that's reminiscent of something almost happy.</p><p>Despite everything, Juvia lets herself get led around the front of the house to the rear where she stood with Gajeel on the porch and listened to his threats. The house throbs and bodies heave inside, their celebration trying to bleed into the night but mostly held back by the house's decrepit walls.</p><p>The grass is long and soggy here; it's a good thing Juvia's shoes are waterproof enough to ward off the melting snow. Jellal seems to know the best path that leads to the back, though, and follows it deftly and without hesitation, slowing only when the grass flattens into a sphere of pale and slushy ice—a pond.</p><p>The ice is rotting slowly from the top-down, and it's difficult to say how bad the rot has progressed. Jellal is fearless, though, and steps onto the surface. He gets a metre out and is pulling Juvia out, too, when Gray catches his hand and tugs him and Juvia back into safety.</p><p>"We're going to skate," Jellal says. His gaze is fixed, and his smile is sloppy bright. <em>He's high, </em>Juvia thinks. She didn't notice before. It seems so obvious now.</p><p>"You don't want to do that, do you, Juvia?" Gray asks.</p><p>There's a part of her that does, the one that seeks the edge of danger when she's like this, a little fuzzy, a little dramatic, but that Juvia, she knows, leads to the one that waited at the curb for her father to pick her up after the most shameful night of her life. This Juvia… is a sum of her parts, she thinks unwittingly, every little part, even the most hated ones.</p><p>"Let's stay on the grass," Gray finishes. Reasonable. Almost calm. Except for the tightness and sweatiness of his grip.</p><p>Jellal hesitates as if he might refuse, but it's like something occurs to him and he corrects at the last second and stepping from the ice onto the bank, into Juvia and Gray. "Alright." There's a picnic bench just a few feet away. He goes to its slumping frame and reaches beneath, fishing out a cooler that makes Juvia wary—there could be <em>anything </em>inside it. But when he opens it, it's only beer, and it looks fresh, the labels still intact.</p><p>"Want one?" Jellal holds one out to Gray, who accepts, and then Juvia.</p><p>"How did you know it was here?" Juvia asks, accepting the drink. It hisses when she opens it and smells pungently of hops.</p><p>Jellal shrugs. "Some things never change."</p><p>She doesn't know why she's surprised he's been here before, but the revelation sets her back.</p><p>"He used to be friends with Mard," Gray says.</p><p>Jellal scoffs. "Just say the truth. He was my connection to a dealer."</p><p>Juvia thinks of Fran inside telling Mard he owes money, and Mard laughing it off, offering Meredy in its stead. "You're not friends anymore."</p><p>"Not for years." Jellal downs his drink in almost one go. He opens another. There's something unhinged about his movements, a sharpness Juvia thinks she should have noted on the porch but was too absorbed in her own angst. She sees it now, though, and is fascinated, struck dumb by his destructiveness.</p><p>Jellal puts a cigarette in his mouth and leans into Gray, using the tip of his dying smoke to ignite his own. Juvia's perception shifts and she can see Gray is like Jellal in a lot of ways—it's likely he knew Jellal wasn't in his right mind when they came here, but he came anyway, and it hasn't been for any noble reason. He has his own demons and tonight, they may get excising.</p><p>Jellal says something that Juvia misses, and Gray laughs and the illusion is destroyed, gone are the vicious boys and here are the ones that want to have fun. The music at the top of the hill changes and Jellal lights up. He grabs Juvia and pulls her into his chest. She is not enough for him, though, no one will be, ever, for as long as he is without his Erza, and he tugs Gray in, too.</p><p>They dance, Juvia twirled out first by Jellal, and pulled in by Gray, spinning round and round, dizzy, not knowing which way is up or down. Forest sweeps by Juvia's view, then the blue of Jellal, and the black of Gray, the glow of the house, the forest again. Juvia is dipped, held just inches from the ground, spun out toward the ice, just inches from disaster, low and low and lower, and then high because she can't remember the last time she's danced.</p><p>Dizzying and sometimes uncoordinated moments pass before Jellal trips on something unseen and goes down, pulling Juvia with him, and Gray, too, Juvia on his one side, Gray on his other. The ground is cold and wet and above, the sky blinks with stars. The party is a million miles away, raging, but separate.</p><p>Juvia pants, laughing, unconcerned with the coldness for the moment, though distantly, she knows it's going to be a problem. She's soaked.</p><p>Jellal turns to look at her. The frantic light in his eye dwindles to embers, no less hot, no less dangerous, but less intimidating by half, making Juvia paralyzed when he lifts his head just a fraction, closing the minimal space between them, pressing his lips to hers in a brief but impactful kiss, the one she didn't receive on the playground, the one that lingers in the back of her mind, both shaming her and making her question so many things.</p><p>His lips disappear. Juvia holds her breath, transfixed, waiting for something more. He doesn't want her. Not completely. He turns his head and reaches for Gray in the same way. Gray almost gives in, leans forward, clutches the open lapel of Jellal's coat. He simmers resignation and desire. Something hot and fierce twists inside Juvia, she can feel her heart elevate, slightly uncomfortable but ushered onward, trapped in this spot, unsure of where they'll go from here, the three of them tumbling forward together.</p><p>The backdoor of the house bangs open with such force, Juvia starts and sits up.</p><p>A figure stomps down the steps. Porchlight reflects off his blonde hair. The door opens again and this time it's pink Juvia sees. Jackal and Meredy, and then an audience flying out behind them, Mard included, all coming this way. Jackal finally knows they're there.</p><p>Juvia scrambles to her feet. Her heart is throbbing for a new reason. Gray rises as well, alert, at the ready. Jellal is slower, only bothering to lift himself up on his elbows. "And here comes the reckoning."</p><p>"We should leave," Gray says to Jellal.</p><p>"Should we?" Jellal proses.</p><p>Gray makes a fist and releases it, and again, yet he doesn't move, doesn't answer, barely breathes. Juvia thinks she should be the voice of reason, but she still doesn't want to leave without Meredy, and if she must go through Jackal to get to her, then that's what she'll do.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div class="xcontrast">
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      <p>I can't go on without you</p>
      <p>I can't go on without</p>
      <p>I can't go on</p>
      <p>I can't go</p>
      <p>I can't</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Gray tries steadying his breaths. He tries planting his feet. He tries to remain calm. Rational. Level-headed. But he's salivating for a confrontation. Everything is boiling up inside him, things he thought he buried long ago, anger, forgotten, now resurfaced, and he cannot—</p>
      <p>Meredy's high-pitched voice reaches his ears first. She says, "Jackal! Stop! Stop it! Leave them alone!" She reaches for him, but he lifts his arm to shake her off and manages to hit her in the face with one of his erratic movements. Meredy falls back, stunned, bleeding. Mard catches her by the elbow, keeps her steady, but his eyes aren't any different than Jackal's. He longs for a confrontation. Thrives off it.</p>
      <p>Gray breathes in. Breathes out. Readying himself. There's one factor he hasn't accounted for, though.</p>
      <p>As soon as Juvia sees Meredy's blood, she flies across the space between them, spitting, cursing, as furious as Gray's ever seen another person.</p>
      <p>Jackal waits for Juvia's approach, is grinning maniacally, and when she gets close, he brushes aside her swinging fists and pushes her hard, rocking her from her feet and to the ground. She's not done landing before Gray hits Jackal and throws him back in the same position. Jackal looks up, stunned that someone might interfere, or even knock him back. He grins; his teeth are bloody. He stands to meet Gray's challenge.</p>
      <p>Meredy, recovered, tries rushing between them. "Enough!" she squeaks. "Stop fighting."</p>
      <p>Gray growls, "Move, Meredy." In his periphery, he can see Juvia rising. She's sopping wet. Her cheeks are red and tears swim in her eyes. Jackal has a debt to pay, and Gray doesn't think he'll be satisfied until the other man is crumpled on the ground, unmoving.</p>
      <p>Meredy says something Gray doesn't hear, he's laser-focused on this task, awareness shifting only when Mard takes Meredy by the forearm and drags her out from between Gray and Jackal.</p>
      <p>Gray strikes first and hits Jackal square in the nose. He feels the cartilage fold beneath his knuckles. He swings again and this time, it's Jackal's lip that breaks beneath his hand, spilling blood all down his front, across the grass, and Juvia, who is on her feet now, and closer than Gray thought.</p>
      <p>She reaches into the fray fearlessly and grabs Jackal by the shoulders, using her body weight to push him down. They land awkwardly, half on and half off the rotten pond ice. It creaks beneath Juvia and Jackal's weight.</p>
      <p>Faintly, Gray hears Mard shout a protest, and sees Jellal has shaken off his lethargy and has joined the fight. He's fast now, he's vicious. Gray has no doubt he'll leave his mark on Mard, just like he's left his mark on everyone else in his life.</p>
      <p>Juvia gasps, drawing Gray back to the present. Jackal's still on his back, soaking in the icy water. They've split through the most rotted layers of the pond, and now Jackal holds back none of his punches. He does everything in his power to reverse their positions, leaving what Gray is sure to be a constellation of bruises on Juvia's side as he wallops her relentlessly. Juvia bucks, grimacing, but not releasing her hold on Jackal's neck. She pushes him back and back toward the water. Part of Gray thinks she'll put herself into its icy depths if only it might give her the advantage.</p>
      <p>Jackal hits her hard and knocks her back. Juvia falls amongst last year's cattails and struggles to draw breath.</p>
      <p>Voices rise all around them, shouting <em>fight! Fight! Fight!</em> Savages. They don't care how this began or how it ends, for that matter. They only want to see more blood, but don't even understand the driving force of that desire. They're base. They're awful. But so is Gray, waiting only long enough for Jackal, bloody now from head to waist, and soaked in pond water to his shoulders, to rise. His focus is on Juvia, who has yet to recover, but it shifts to Gray when he realizes he's being stalked.</p>
      <p>Gray doesn't think much about his movements as he does them, moving his feet, shifting his balance, smashing his opponent at every opportunity. He anticipates Jackal's responding jabs, more than once jarring away from a vicious punch so it skims his cheek, rather than his jaw. It still hurts and shoots stars across his field of view, but now he's dizzied and not unconscious.</p>
      <p>Every time Gray pulls back and hits Jackal, it's like he's breathing for the first time in a decade. He loves the feel of the blunt force trauma, giving and receiving, he's alive, he's anything but helpless, no longer a child staring up at a man three times his size, wondering if he'll die that night, he has real power, can do real damage. He's only sad Del isn't in front of him instead of Jackal. Not that Jackal deserves this beating any less. Gray just knows the source of his anger.</p>
      <p>The ground turns uneven beneath Gray's feet and he must take a moment to regain his balance. In the seconds he teeters, Jackal spots an opening and takes it. He hits hard and fast, and Gray has a newfound respect for Juvia's perseverance. They fall back, Jackal overtop of Gray now and the wet ground soaking in through Gray's shirt. He would gasp, but the sensation is so removed, all he can do is grit his teeth and fight for the upper hand.</p>
      <p>Seconds pass like minutes, grappling, clawing, punching, spitting, rage, rage, rage, and then Gray finally pushes Jackal back and can reverse their positions. Blood drips from Gray's mouth onto his sweater, onto Jackal, who looks dazedly around. He's close to unconsciousness. A deep, satisfying thrill moves through Gray. He reels back to hit Jackal one final time.</p>
      <p>"Stop it! You're hurting him!" Meredy is back, and this time, she isn't taking no for an answer. She grabs Gray's arm and pulls him off Jackal. Gray goes because he cannot think of a way to shake her off that won't harm her.</p>
      <p>The crowd has gotten near silent. Gray looks around and sees Jellal has put Mard on his back and is standing over him heaving in breath after breath. He looks to Gray for confirmation—should they continue? should they stop? Gray has no governor, not when it comes to this, and he must look for Juvia, for he has no Ultear here to guide him.</p>
      <p>Gray finds her still amongst the cattails. She gets to her feet, each movement agonized and slow. Gray's almost overrun by rage again. Meredy holds him back and will not release him for anything.</p>
      <p>"Let's go." Juvia's voice is breathy and soft. She looks at Gray and Jellal, but also at Meredy.</p>
      <p>Meredy visibly strengthens herself. "I have to stay here and make sure they're okay."</p>
      <p>Juvia's eyes narrow. "Meredy. Come with us."</p>
      <p>Meredy shakes her head stubbornly. "You hurt him."</p>
      <p>In another situation, it might be comical to see Juvia's mouth drop open in disbelief. She recovers quickly, but when she does, Gray can see there's new iron in her posture. "He deserved it, don't pretend like he didn't. Now, let's go."</p>
      <p>Mard struggles to stand. One of his friends helps him. He's dishevelled and the rage rolls off him, yet he manages to sound collected as he says, "She doesn't want to go with you."</p>
      <p>"Shut up!" Juvia's voice has returned, and she uses it as a whip to lash Mard. "Shut up! It's your fault she doesn't want to go! Just shut your mouth and let her think for herself!"</p>
      <p>There's a moment of stunned silence. Meredy's the only one that dares to break it. "I am thinking for myself, Juvia, for the first time in a long time, and I want to stay here."</p>
      <p>Juvia looks like she's been struck anew. She recovers. "You're confused." She then marches forward and grabs Meredy's hand. She means to pull her out of here kicking and screaming, and Gray can see Meredy means to do no such thing.</p>
      <p>"Stop grabbing me!" Meredy's voice pitches higher than Juvia's. She pulls her hand out of Juvia's with such intent, Juvia is yanked to a stop. She winces from the beating Jackal gave her, and can only stand there, gasping, looking at Meredy in confusion. Gray's anger settles back for mounting disgust for what's coming next as Meredy puffs with indignation. "I'm not a doll. You can't take me wherever you want, make me do whatever you want, and <em>be </em>whoever you want. I'm staying <em>here</em>."</p>
      <p>"I don't—" Juvia stammers.</p>
      <p>"Yes, you do. And I'm tired of it. This is what I want to do, Juvia, so just leave me alone and let me do it!" Meredy finishes with her arms out for dramatic flair, encompassing all the destruction, the blood, the violence, the witnesses and their waste, discarded beer bottles, cigarette butts, the vestiges of their spectating.</p>
      <p>Juvia's lip starts to wobble. She tightens it, quashing the oncoming wave of tears. She remains where she stands for a prolonged moment, considering her options, how they moved on from here, trying to decide whether to beg Meredy more or to leave. Gray can tell how it will end. Juvia has sheathed herself in a delicate white shell for protection and it is crumbling around her. He steps forward, meaning to intercede the coming plea and Meredy's subsequent outrage. Gray's movement spurs Juvia's, though, and with a haggard breath, she begins to tromp toward the house on the hill. The crowd parts for her passage.</p>
      <p>Gray follows, stopping only to push Jellal on after her, afraid he'll remain amongst the hyenas and cause more damage.</p>
      <p>"Don't ever come back here, Fernandez," Mard calls at Jellal's back. His words are garbled from his beating. "I'll kill you."</p>
      <p>"He's a coward," Gray says to Jellal, as though he needs to keep Jellal moving and not himself.</p>
      <p>Jellal smiles. It's more than a little grotesque. Like Gray, his lip is split and blood ruins his jacket.</p>
      <p>Gray follows Juvia's figure. She's far enough ahead of them, Gray can't catch her until she's made it to the road. "Hey," he tries. She won't look at him, won't speak to him. He starts to feel guilty. <em>Internalizing, </em>Lyon says. <em>It's not healthy. </em>Gray can't stop. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. Even when he knows Jellal watches him and feeds off his turmoil, just as unable to curb that desire.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>The light is on in Ultear's room. With that in mind, Gray tries to open the front door quietly.</p>
      <p>It's no use. Ultear is waiting at the bottom of the stairs with her phone in hand. Her face is pinched with fury as she presses pause on a video she's probably seen ten times by now.</p>
      <p>"Jesus." She looks them over. Her eyes come to rest on Juvia and linger. "Are you okay?"</p>
      <p>"I need new clothes." Juvia's voice is thick. She holds out her clothes for Ultear's inspection, the blood, the mud, and stains from plant life. "I left my stuff at Meredy's again." She swallows, taking whatever emotion is welling inside and gulping it down, too.</p>
      <p>"What you need is a shower," Ultear murmurs. "Go. I'll find you something."</p>
      <p>Juvia peels away from the group and closes herself in the washroom. Gray hears her wet clothes hit the floor, and then the water turns on. He sighs and starts undressing, walking to the laundry room. Ultear has never been shy and follows. Jellal is on her heels, peeling off his soaking and muddy clothes, too, stripping right to his underwear.</p>
      <p>"What were you thinking?" Ultear crosses one arm under her breasts and leans against the door jam, an unmovable pillar.</p>
      <p>"That I hate being wet," Gray answers facetiously.</p>
      <p>Ultear is unimpressed. She holds up her phone and presses play, and Gray sees himself on screen hitting Jackal so hard, Jackal's head rocks back. "This is all over social."</p>
      <p>"Guess I'm famous."</p>
      <p>"You're going to get yourself in shit. You're not supposed to be fighting, remember?"</p>
      <p>Gray scoffs. "You think Mard's going to report that to the cops?"</p>
      <p>"He won't," Jellal promises. "You're safe from probation until the next outburst." He sounds like he's trying to be comical, but Gray isn't laughing, and neither is Ultear. The last time he was reprimanded for assault, he was a minor and got a slap on the wrist. Things will be different now.</p>
      <p>Ultear turns from him in disgust. "My mom's put a lot on the line for you," she says over her shoulder. "Vouched for you. You could at least try to be better."</p>
      <p>Gray can say nothing because it's true.</p>
      <p>Jellal and Gray are alone now, and everything is quiet as Gray strips down to his underwear, too, and turns on the washing machine. He takes Jellal's clothes from his hands and throws the whole pile together.</p>
      <p>As Gray closes the lid with a metallic <em>clang, </em>Jellal says, "Do you want to talk about what happened before?"</p>
      <p>Gray narrows his eyes. "Before?"</p>
      <p>"On the grass." His eyes drop to Gray's mouth and his meaning cannot be misconstrued.</p>
      <p>"Nothing happened," Gray snaps. "Like nothing <em>should</em> happen. I'm done."</p>
      <p>Jellal tightens his lips in not quite a smile. "Right."</p>
      <p>In the main apartment, Ultear opens the bathroom door, letting out a swath of steam. She comes out with alcohol and cotton swabs and looks a little too pleased with herself. "Who wants to go first?"</p>
      <p>Jellal turns from Gray without protest and, as always, goes so willingly to his punishment.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>It takes Juvia a long time to come from the washroom. She's put on one of Ultear's silky nightgowns and has brushed her sopping hair. Gray slips into the bathroom after her and showers with water fringing on too cold because most of the hot has been used.</p>
      <p>Gray rushes, and when he's done, he finds Juvia on the unmade couch, staring at the ceiling. She's stopped crying but looks as though she could start again at any time.</p>
      <p>Gray stops in front of her. "You can sleep in my bed again."</p>
      <p>She barely hesitates, rising from the couch and following him up the stairs, into his room, and then into his bed, where her hair spills across his pillows, damp. Gray closes the door and turns off the light and joins her, tonight, face to face.</p>
      <p>"Are you hurt?" Gray asks.</p>
      <p>"Bruised a little." Juvia thumbs across her middle, showing him where it's sore.</p>
      <p>"Can I see?"</p>
      <p>She shimmies, pushing the blankets down and pulling her nightgown up. Her underwear doesn't match the silky peach-coloured fabric, dark indigo against her skin. They do match her bruises, though, dark blues and purples, black here and there. Gray touches them. She lets out a wobbly breath.</p>
      <p>"How bad do they hurt?"</p>
      <p>"I'm okay," she promises. "Your hands are cold."</p>
      <p>Gray curls his fingers into his palm. His hands <em>are </em>icy. Fitting, he thinks with a healthy amount of melodrama, because he feels cold, cold, cold.</p>
      <p>Juvia pulls her nightgown down again, spurring Gray into adjusting the blankets around them both.</p>
      <p>They sit in the quiet dark listening to each others' breaths for minutes before Juvia breaks the stillness to ask, "Aren't you going to tell me it'll be okay?"</p>
      <p>"Is that what you want?"</p>
      <p>She thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. "No."</p>
      <p>"What do you want, then?"</p>
      <p>"My friend back," Juvia says at once. "Why would she do that? Why would she say that stuff?" Tears fill her eyes. Ashamed of them, she squeezes the blankets and buries her face in the pillow, muffling her words. "Why is this happening?"</p>
      <p>Gray doesn't know the answers and knows even less how to comfort her beyond curling his arms around her and holding her close.</p>
      <p>"He's <em>ruining </em>her," Juvia rages into the hollow of Gray's throat. He shivers. She's so hot, he's so cold. "Mard is taking everything good about her and <em>destroying </em>it. And she's letting him." It's obvious the last is the most boggling to Juvia. Meredy's manipulation by Mard is bad enough, but Meredy's smart, both Juvia and Gray know this, and yet, she's letting it happen anyway.</p>
      <p>"Why would she do that?"</p>
      <p>Juvia makes Gray feel like he must have an answer. He scrabbles through his reasoning but the only thing he can think is some people aren't made for this world.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Black and blue and broken bones,<br/>You left me here; I'm all alone.</p><hr/><p>Everything is aching and sore when Juvia peels open her tired eyes. A weight presses against her back, and the smell of men's shampoo and body soap clings to her. It's nice waking up beside someone. She's always liked the comfort of another body pressing against her, and for a brief time, a heartbeat, really, she feels like not everything has to be awful if only she has people to make her world better.</p><p><em>Like Meredy used to</em>.</p><p>The thought is cold and hard-hitting.</p><p>Juvia blinks the sleep from her eyes and rises. Gray shifts a little, rolling onto his back and looking at her through his fringe of dark lashes. He's not ready to get up, though, and as soon as he wakes, he closes his eyes, ready to fall back into sleep.</p><p>Juvia roots through the clothing that Ultear gave her and dresses in the washroom, donning a pair of tight black jeans and a dark purple long-sleeved T-shirt, deeply cut in front and accented by a floppy bow.</p><p>She looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyes look big and red-rimmed. To her, it's obvious she's been crying. She turns on the cold water and wets her fingers, dabbing at the redness in hopes that if she doesn't think about Meredy and the deep, panging betrayal she feels, she can keep her eyes dry.</p><p>The only problem is, everything reminds Juvia of her friend, her haircut (Meredy chose it) her nail polish (the last time she had her nails painted, just before her first night at Phantom, Meredy did it for her) the rose-shaped earrings she wears. (Meredy has a matching pair, purchased from the same farmer's market vendor last summer.)</p><p>Juvia is filled with the urge to do something dramatic. Scream. Cut her hair. Tear out her earrings and throw them in the garbage. Something. Anything. Anything at all.</p><p>She closes the cold water tap and dries her fingers. She smooths her hands over her borrowed clothing. She promises herself that after she deals with Jose, she will right things with Meredy. It's her only option, she thinks, her only way forward.</p><p>Still, no one is awake when Juvia exits the washroom. Jellal is passed out on the couch with the blankets down around his hips, his chest bare with his shirt thrown across the coffee table. He's so at home here. He doesn't have much, but this, his family, keeps him as steady as he can be.</p><p>Juvia has the urge to sit down and ask him how it is he depends so wholly on people to keep him balanced, yet he has not fallen yet? Dropped off the face of the earth, forgotten? How has his 'family' not gotten sick of him and cast him to the wayside? And what will it take Juvia to find people like that? How come Meredy couldn't <em>be like that</em>? What changed? When? Can Juvia fix it? <em>And worse, my own father…</em></p><p><em>Shhh</em>, Juvia thinks. <em>Stop wondering these stupid things. Just. Just one thing at a time.</em> She breaths deep. Holds her breath. Lets it out again, banishing the oppressive urge to cry once more.</p><p>Jellal remains unmoving on the couch, even when Juvia tugs on her boots and fastens the ties. Even as she pulls on one of Ultear's many coats, this one long and black with dramatic edgings of white, with the vow that she'll return this piece of clothing without ruining it.</p><p>Then she ventures out into the cool spring air, though she hardly feels brave enough to face Jose of Phantom on her own.</p><hr/><p>The building looks locked up tight when Juvia approaches it. Relief hovers around her, not quite descending upon her shoulders, but threatening to if only the doors will not open. She can walk away from here and say <em>I tried, </em>and not feel guilty.</p><p>She tries the handle of the frosted door and is elated to find that it doesn't move. She knows she should try calling, even pulls out her phone to match the late-afternoon sun with the time but puts it away again without attempting to reach out.</p><p>Juvia swivels on her heel, thinking again about Meredy when disappointingly, a shiny bright red Cadillac pulls into the parking lot, the lettering on the back reading CT5. Jose is at the wheel and once he spots Juvia, there is no turning back. She sighs and plants her feet while she waits for him to exit his car, lock it, and approach the door with his keys at the ready.</p><p>"Miss Lockser. I take it to mean Gajeel delivered my message?" He grins as he speaks, stretching his black lipstick beyond what it's comfortable with and revealing the pink of his lips beneath.</p><p>"We spoke," Juvia says with as much uncharitableness in her voice as possible.</p><p>Her attitude flies over Jose and he ignores her. "Come, come." He opens the door with a squeak of the exhausted hinges and ushers Juvia into the dark club. She feels like she's walking into something dangerous stepping in before Jose and hearing the lock click into place again. She feels like she's made a huge mistake, coming here by herself. She feels like she's about to find out how unforgiving Jose can be.</p><p>Jose punches a code into the beeping alarm system, then clicks on the lights over Juvia's shoulder and throws the club into sharp relief. With the shadows banished, so are some of Juvia's misgivings. What is it about the light that dispels the ability to sense wickedness? Why are so many people fooled by its reassuring glow?</p><p>"This way, my dear," Jose says as he treks toward his office.</p><p>Juvia follows closely behind. Her stomach quietly pangs with nerves. She's afraid of him, on some level, but too submerged in what she thinks of as reality to really be terrified. Jose isn't Mard, and he isn't Jackal. He's a club owner. He lives in the real world. Has real employees. And if she doesn't think about how Gajeel grabbed her arms so tight, he almost left bruises, she doesn't feel that threatened. After all, there are <em>rules </em>to follow in the working world. And it doesn't seem like anyone can break them.</p><p>Jose turns on his office lights, too, and sits behind his desk. He reminds Juvia a bit of a spider, his eyes too large, too glossy, his fingers too long, his coat bright purple and dramatic, warning stupid girls away, he's poisonous.</p><p>She should leave.</p><p>"I didn't appreciate you sending your goon after me." Juvia lifts her chin as she speaks. Best to start strong so Jose doesn't think he can bully her with a few short words.</p><p>"I didn't appreciate you breaking our bargain so early into our bargaining days," Jose responds just as coldly as Juvia.</p><p>"I wasn't feeling well," she says.</p><p>"And I'm not feeling charitable. You either show up for work, or both you and Meredy are out."</p><p>"It was <em>one </em>day," Juvia says.</p><p>"Two."</p><p>She opens her mouth but cannot refute his claim.</p><p>"If you don't like my rules, then you can leave," Jose says, sensing the advantage Juvia was so determined to covet. "Go on. If you have anything in your locker, you can clean it out. Take Meredy's stuff with you." He goes so far as to wave a dismissive hand.</p><p>"What?" Juvia asks though she understands perfectly well.</p><p>"You need this job, or so you made me believe. It doesn't need you. You're gorgeous, but so are lots of others." Jose doesn't even look at her as he speaks, choosing instead to open his computer and click through various programs. The screen lights up the blacked-out window behind him with its artificial light.</p><p>Juvia feels her panic spinning into a sickening ball. "You can't."</p><p>"I can and just did."</p><p>The clock on the wall ticks in the quiet. Juvia fumbles for something to say.</p><p>"I'm—I'm sorry. Meredy needs this job." Meredy. What would she do without it? Spiral. Hate Juvia even more than she already does. Get herself into trouble. Find something worse than Phantom. There are lots of places people like Meredy can get lost. Tons of people looking to take advantage of her.</p><p>"Meredy needs this job, but do you?" Jose's eyes are finally on Juvia, but she wishes they weren't. His cheekbones push against his sallow skin like knives threatening to burst through. His gaze is caustic.</p><p>"Yes." If only because Meredy does.</p><p>Jose's eyes roll over her body. She resists the urge to cross her arms over her chest and hide. Some of the meanness in his face subsides and changes into something that's more difficult to identify but Juvia is almost sure is worse. "You have a lot of assets," he says at length, bringing his gaze up from her hips. "Our customers want to see that. If you're serious about working here, then dress to impress."</p><p>Juvia bites her lip, too stunned to say, or do anything but nod her head.</p><p>"You start at ten tonight. Come see me before you go out on the floor," he adds. "I want to make sure you're acceptable."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>Jose returns to his chair. "Don't be late." The threat is clear in his voice, but what lies at the end of it, Juvia can't say.</p><p>"Is Meredy going to be here?" Juvia dares to ask.</p><p>Jose's jaw tenses and his thin lips press with obvious displeasure. "This is a business, not a social playground."</p><p>Juvia stands there for a moment more, trying to figure out how to rebuke his statement. Nothing tactful comes to mind and Jose doesn't try to pursue the issue.</p><p>Juvia lets herself out of the building, wondering if the front door should be unlocked. A black mustang races into the driveway then, behind the wheel a mass of muscle and dark hair, and Juvia hastens her steps before she can find out if it's Gajeel.</p><p><em>It's funny, </em>she thinks, dim the sun from the sky, put Meredy in front of her, and Juvia is as vicious as they come. Right now, though, she feels small and meek, willing to comply with Jose's demands for Meredy's sake.</p><p><em>Meredy, who hates me right now, </em>she thinks unwittingly. She's almost overcome by tears again, but Juvia bites her cheek so hard, the pain pushes down the urge. Her eyes only sting, not overflow, and she counts it as a win.</p><p>Juvia pulls out her phone and presses on Meredy's number, the most dialed number in the system. It rings and rings and rings and goes to voicemail. Juvia leaves a tentative <em>call me back</em> before hanging up and calling again, though she knows Meredy hates when she does that. <em>It's not like I'm going away, </em>Meredy used to say. <em>If I don't pick up, I'm busy, and leaving me a hundred messages in an hour isn't going to change that. I'll call you back when I can. I promise.</em></p><p>Juvia used to believe that. The third time she calls, though, she's put through straight to voicemail. Meredy hung up on her.</p><p>Macbeth looks up from the front desk and sighs in exasperation when Juvia lets herself into the safehouse. "Look, I've told you already, I'm not supposed to let you up."</p><p>"Please?" Juvia grips the counter as hard as she can for support. She doesn't know what she'll do if he denies her.</p><p>"Batting your eyes doesn't change anything," he answers coldly.</p><p>"I just need my stuff," Juvia says, which is true enough, and if she sees Meredy there, well, it's only natural, it <em>is </em>where she lives. "I left it in there the last time I stayed and haven't had a chance to pick it up."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Macbeth says again.</p><p>"I have things in there that I <em>need</em>," Juvia emphasizes, desperate now. "Feminine things."</p><p>She hopes to make him squeamish but Macbeth stares at her like he's dead inside.</p><p>"And important prescriptions," Juvia adds. "They won't give me refills until they're due."</p><p>That gets through to him when nothing else can. "Lord knows you need medicating," he mutters under his breath. "You're in and out, got it? You can't stay."</p><p>"Right," Juvia agrees, too pleased to be insulted by his mutterings.</p><p>Macbeth buzzes her through and Juvia bounds up the stairs. There's a new hole in the grey wall and the carpets look dingier than normal.</p><p><em>Or has it always been this way, </em>she wonders? Has she seen it in a different light because Meredy has? This place has been Meredy's saviour for years, her haven. Juvia wanted to think it so, too, but now she hears the dark laughter from rooms adjacent, Toby's crying on the floor above, the short, sharp scream of anger from a few doors down, and then pregnant silence as all the residents get themselves back under control again.</p><p>The entire building seems to be sitting on an eroding edge, the whole thing at great risk of breaking apart. Just a gentle push, a meltdown, someone with a lighter, and it'll all be up in flames.</p><p>How has Meredy lived here for so long and not be pulled into the madness?</p><p>Then Juvia thinks of her sitting with Jellal begging him for Ice. She thinks of Meredy's new job, her new friends, her new desire for all things bad for her.</p><p>Juvia looks down the hallway again. She <em>wants </em>to place all the blame on this place. Can almost <em>just</em>. It's a relief to think if she can only get Meredy away from here, she can change the things she doesn't like.</p><p>Juvia finds the groove in her cheek again and bites hard. She cannot change people. She cannot force people to feel certain ways about her. She knows this. It's also easy to think she's doing what's best for Meredy, though, when she looks at this subsidized housing, dug out, dressed in grunge, and begging to become a monument to all Meredy's sins.</p><p>Juvia closes her eyes and breathes in deep. Breathes out. Pushes the negative out. This is a good place, she knows. It does a lot of good for people. For the nobodies with nowhere to go and nobody to love them. It gives them the chance the rest of the world will not, and for that, Juvia can forgive it and take a step toward thinking that Meredy's actions are her own.</p><p>She knocks on the door and waits.</p><p>The door doesn't open immediately and Juvia knocks again, listening. She can hear nothing inside. She tries the handle, and the door opens without issue, which is a jolt to Juvia. Shouldn't Meredy lock herself inside? Anyone can come in if they wanted, and take her things, or hurt her.</p><p>She quickly discerns the room is empty. She tries Meredy's cell phone again and just as before, it goes to voicemail after ringing only once. Her concern shifts to, threatening the edge of panic. She calls Ultear instead, who <em>does </em>answer her call on the first ring.</p><p>"Meredy's not here," Juvia greets instead of the traditional <em>hello</em>. "I don't think she came home last night. We should call the police."</p><p>"No," Ultear says.</p><p>"But Meredy is <em>missing. </em>And she's not picking up her phone."</p><p>"Calm down. She's not missing. I spoke to her just a few minutes ago," Ultear says. "She stayed with Mard."</p><p>And Juvia knows she should be alarmed, and she <em>is, </em>but the only thing out of her mouth is, "Meredy spoke to you?"</p><p>"She says she's okay," Ultear consoles, not immediately understanding Juvia's anguish. "Mard washed her clothes for her and she's waiting for them to dry before she comes home. She'll be back in a few hours."</p><p>Juvia feels doors in her heart slamming closed against the sting of yet another rejection from Meredy, but she's not quick enough.</p><p>"Hurry back," Ultear is saying. "I'm making homemade waffles. Gray's out getting whip cream and strawberries."</p><p>"No, thanks," is Juvia's immediate reply.</p><p>"Juvia." Before, Ultear had sounded nonchalant and unconcerned. Now her voice takes on a note of empathetic imploring. "Come back. We want you here. We can talk about this other stuff in person."</p><p>Juvia feels a shiver start from her head and worm its way through her chest, down into her stomach. She feels ill.</p><p>"Okay?" Ultear says.</p><p>Juvia's tongue is knotted behind her teeth.</p><p>Jellal says something in the background and Ultear pulls her mouth away from the phone to answer. It's muffled, but Juvia hears her say, "Meredy's."</p><p>"Juvia?" Ultear returns to say.</p><p>"Yes," Juvia manages.</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>"I have to get my stuff," Juvia says at once. "We'll talk later, though." Then she hangs up. She hates Ultear. (<em>I don't.</em>) She wishes she never came into Meredy's life. <em>(That's not true</em>.) And she wishes Ultear would just leave them alone.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I am the voice inside your head (and I control you)<br/>I am the lover in your bed (and I control you)<br/>I am the sex that you provide (and I control you)<br/>I am the hate you try to hide (and I control you)</p><hr/><p>Water slops beneath Juvia's boots and she lists like she's drunk, though the only thing that's running through her veins is intense hurt and denial. She doesn't watch where she's going. She doesn't care about cars. People. Pets. Pedestrian signs. She barely sees the sidewalk beneath her feet, barely registers the people passing her in the street, until one puts himself in her way and does the unthinkable—wraps his arms around her and holds her tight.</p><p>Her first thought is <em>danger</em>, but the smell of his deodorant and cologne fills her nose and Juvia spares him a wildcat response. She goes limp in Jellal's arms and lets him hold her. His grip is so tight. Too tight for her to breathe erratically, as though if she cannot gasp for breath, she cannot cry. And it works, in a way, punishing her body into a silent release of tears when she wants to wail right there in the middle of the sidewalk.</p><p>People bow around them, barely looking at Jellal or Juvia as they pass. It's like they're invisible in this great big world, all their pain whittled down to nothing consequential. Juvia used to hate those people. Now she envies them. She doesn't want to feel all this stuff. She wants to be numb. She wants the world to be quiet. She wants the world to go away.</p><p>Jellal turns his head and presses his lips to the place just above her ear. The way he holds her, the strength and desperation in his grip, is revealing. He needs this as much as Juvia does. It's only when a truck squeezes by them that Juvia realizes they've stopped in a cut-out in the sidewalk that leads to a driveway.</p><p>"We should move," she muffles into Jellal's coat.</p><p>Inch by inch, he loosens his hold on her, reluctant, and slides his hand down to hers. His grip is firm and solid as he deftly turns back the way he came from and starts leading her through the city again. Juvia can't find the will to complain. Jellal takes her duffle from her and walks at a steady pace that feels impossible to break.</p><p>"She wouldn't answer my calls," Juvia says, breaking the tension.</p><p>Jellal squeezes her hand. "I know."</p><p>"She hates me."</p><p>"She thinks she does."</p><p>"She spoke to Ultear first."</p><p>"Meredy needs a mother, not a friend."</p><p>"She thinks she needs to self-destruct."</p><p>Jellal's cheek pulls back into a small, sad smile. "Don't we all, sometimes?"</p><p>Juvia should say no and fill the silence with something healthy and productive, but his words resonate in her mind like a bell tolling out the hour and she's revisited by that sense of dramatics again. She wants to do something drastic. Something that will pull Meredy in and maybe if she is here, she won't leave.</p><p>She doesn't want to feel this way.</p><p>Juvia takes out her prescription and chooses a pill though it's much too early in the day for that. Jellal eyes the bottle like Ultear had, as though it might fix something broken in him, too. She puts them away before he can ask and instead, Jellal takes out his cigarettes and lights one, letting the smoke choke the air before the wind breaks it up.</p><p>"Was she mad on the phone?" Juvia asks. "Meredy?"</p><p>"I didn't hear anything," he says a little too quickly.</p><p>"Liar. You listened." Someone like him <em>would</em>, of course. Whether or not he likes it, Jellal is addicted to the bad and will go searching for it at every opportunity.</p><p>"She was hysteric," he says at length.</p><p>"Because of me?" She feels like such a fool for calling so many times. Why did she do that?</p><p>Jellal's next words almost stop Juvia in her tracks—would, likely, if he weren't dragging her ever onward, out of the city proper and into suburbia. "I think she was coming down off something."</p><p>"Off what?" Juvia presses. "What? What was she taking? How do you know?"</p><p>Jellal closes down. He hadn't meant to say the words or hadn't foreseen Juvia's spiral, or hadn't banked on it being so bad. But her chest is quivering; she cannot get breath, and she wants to race over to Mard's house, grab Meredy up and bring her home.</p><p>But she cannot.</p><p>She knows she cannot. It will only make things worse. So when Jellal says, "Maybe I'm wrong and she was just tired," Juvia closes that door in her heart, too, slams it as tight as it will go, and forces herself to calm down with the threat that she'll make herself sick if she does not.</p><p>Jellal casts a tentative glance her way. Juvia schools her expression into something impassive, pretending its some other girl that's made of porcelain, some other girl that's been thrown to the ground and is scattered all about.</p><p>He still hasn't released her hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze, though she can tell he doesn't mean it, not entirely. Jellal likes it best when he's not suffering alone. He cannot feel anything small and doesn't want anyone else to, either. Even knowing this, Juvia confides in him because of anyone, she thinks he'll understand the best.</p><p>"I'm going back to Phantom tonight."</p><p>Jellal doesn't even seem surprised. "Do you want company?"</p><p>"Are you allowed?"</p><p>He lifts his shoulder. "The public's invited in, aren't they?"</p><p>Juvia realizes she should have asked, "Should you?" instead. She's too lonely to set things right, though. Too lost. Too anxious to feel something real in the wake of Meredy's absence. She sees the trail of her mistakes, beginning with the swing set, a kiss by a half-frozen pond, an embrace too long, but she cannot see a way to right the wrongs, or even if they <em>are </em>wrong, to begin with.</p><hr/><p>Ultear has indeed made waffles, and Gray has brought strawberries, and there's real whipped cream and real maple syrup.</p><p>Ultear piles it all upon Juvia's plate and then watches her like a hawk, waiting for her to eat. Juvia imagines if she doesn't, Ultear will lean across the small kitchen table and <em>make </em>her and judging by the encouraging looks both Jellal and Gray give Juvia, they believe it, too.</p><p>So she eats, though her stomach is in knots and everything that should be savoury and sweet tastes like sawdust in her mouth.</p><p>"Have you heard from Meredy yet?" Juvia asks for the second time in fifteen minutes. The first time, Ultear entertained her by pulling out her phone and checking the blank home screen. This time, she merely shakes her head and when Juvia suggests she didn't check, Ultear informs her in no uncertain terms that she has the sound on and they all would have heard the text.</p><p>"You'll see her tonight, likely," Jellal puts in.</p><p>He looks innocent enough, but his words are leading, prompting Ultear to ask, "What's tonight?"</p><p>"Work." Then Juvia puts a piece of waffle in her mouth because she's still embarrassed by the whole thing, working at a place like Phantom and she doesn't want it to be a big deal.</p><p>It is, of course.</p><p>"I thought you quit there?" Ultear asks.</p><p>"No. I just didn't show up for work." Juvia wishes she could sink lower in her chair. Ultear's looking at her like she's committed seven different crimes and will have to pay for her sins. She's expecting a coming lecture about how Phantom is the worst place on earth, but amazingly, and suspiciously, Ultear's face settles into a benign mask that Juvia doesn't trust at all and she smiles at Jellal.</p><p>"And what are you doing this evening?"</p><p>It's Jellal's turn to cast his eyes to his plate. He lifts his shoulder.</p><p>"Cut the crap," Ultear bites.</p><p>"I thought I'd go for a bit," Jellal says. "Moral support."</p><p>"Then I guess so are we." Ultear includes Gray in her group. He opens his mouth to protest but thinks better of it after one swift, cutting look from Ultear. Jellal's wince is almost imperceptible.</p><p>"Guess we're going to Phantom," Gray says drolly.</p><hr/><p>Ultear fills the space Meredy used to take up. She tells Juvia she looks cute when Juvia showcases her chosen outfit for that evening and pulls Juvia's hair into a high ponytail.</p><p>"You look good," Ultear assures her. "Too good for that dump."</p><p>Juvia turns her head left and right, looking at herself in the vanity mirror, judging Ultear's claim. <em>Maybe</em>.</p><p>Ultear steps back from the mirror and starts pulling at her clothes. Juvia looks away from Ultear's full form, swiping dark kohl beneath her eyes. By the time she's done, Ultear's dressed in all black, black torn-up jeans, a black band shirt, long black hair loose and falling in waves around her shoulders. The only splash of colour on her are the bright yellow round-framed glasses she digs out of a basket of multicoloured glasses on her dresser, and the red, red lipstick she scrapes across her lips. Somehow, Juvia feels plainer in a pair of fishnet stockings, shorts, and a long-sleeved crop top, but when Ultear tells her she looks good, Juvia wants to believe her.</p><p>Gray and Jellal are leaning against the hood of Ur's car, waiting for them when they exit the apartment. Gray's lip looks less swollen today, but in the setting light of the sun, Juvia can see a deep dark bruise blooming on Jellal's chin that she'd noticed before but is getting notably worse as the hours pass.</p><p>Jellal's grin can only be described as wolfish when he sees them. Gray is a little subtler, looking at Juvia through a cloud of exhaled smoke, but she feels his eyes like a brand. She becomes more confident under his gaze, feels beautiful, almost, brave enough to do this tonight.</p><p>Gray takes the backseat with her, and Jellal takes the front, and then they're rolling.</p><hr/><p>The doors to Phantom are open and the club is lively as it wasn't that morning. Juvia checks all the people outside of the building, hunting for Meredy's pink head of hair. When she doesn't see her there, she does the same inside the doors, moving up the stairs slowly, catching the eye of every one of Jose's staff, trying to discern if any of them are her friend.</p><p>A seed of panic starts to root in Juvia's chest when she cannot find Meredy. She whirls on Ultear, the only one of the group left, the two boys disappeared somewhere. "She's not here."</p><p>"Relax. It's early," Ultear tells her in the calming way she has.</p><p>Juvia tugs at the bottom of her shirt, stretching the material in anxiety. "What if she doesn't show?"</p><p>"She will. She wants this job." Ultear takes Juvia by the shoulders and points her toward Jose's office. "Go. We'll be here once you talk to old saggy balls in there. I'll keep an eye out for Meredy in the meantime."</p><p>Juvia doesn't <em>want </em>to talk to Jose. What she wants is to tear apart this bar screaming Meredy's name until she answers her.</p><p>But if she doesn't see Jose, she'll be fired, and so will Meredy and any hope Juvia has of repairing what she messed up will be gone. So she rolls her shoulders back and parts ways with Ultear. She spots Jellal moving his way toward the stage area and reaching for the back door marked <em>Staff Only</em>. Gray appears before he can intrude and pulls him back toward the bar instead. Jellal goes, albeit reluctantly.</p><p>Before Juvia can knock on Jose's door, a girl with fiery hair storms past her and into the office. Her expression is so wild, Juvia almost doesn't recognize Erza. Things make a little more sense now, Ultear's sharpness with Jellal, Jellal's willingness to throw himself alongside Juvia and come to this place, Gray leading Jellal away from a rash decision.</p><p>Juvia waits outside the office while Erza and Jose speak. She cannot hear what's being said, the music is too loud, but the raised tenor of their voices are unmistakable.</p><p>The door whooshes open again, Jose on the other side. "This is your job," he tells Erza. "At least try to be professional."</p><p>Erza looks at Juvia with a bit of recognition. There is nothing friendly in her face tonight, though.</p><p>She leaves. Jose straightens his suit jacket, looks at Juvia. "Come in."</p><p>Juvia squeezes in between Jose and the doorframe and Jose closes the door firmly behind her. The noise from the club becomes muted and soft, and it feels like they're the only two people here.</p><p>"Jellal's arrived with you?" Jose asks as he makes his way to his desk.</p><p>Juvia doesn't know what to say. She shrugs. "We came in the same car."</p><p>"He doesn't come to Phantom."</p><p>"Is he banned from it?" Juvia wonders aloud.</p><p>Jose's eyes narrow and he doesn't answer as he sits. He looks at her for a moment with his sticky gaze, judging her and stripping her of the warm feeling she had when it was Gray's gaze instead. "Come here," he commands, and Juvia, pliant, pleasing Juvia, approaches the desk.</p><p>"Here." He mimes the space in front of him, taking her hand and pulling her almost into his long legs when she doesn't stand exactly where he wants her.</p><p>He's tall enough even sitting that he doesn't have to stand to push her ponytail back from where it rests against her shoulder. Juvia holds still, biting her cheek, surprised by his boldness as he picks fluff off her shoulder and then leans back to look at her. A long beat passes in which he does nothing more but examine her, then he presses his thin lips together, and reaches for her again, this time going for the buttons on the front of her shirt.</p><p>Juvia pushes his hands away after he undoes the first. "Don't."</p><p>"Then you know where the door is," Jose says in his slippery and barbed voice. So many threats are piled into that one sentence.</p><p>Juvia hesitates. She doesn't know what her face must look like at that moment, her heart is beating fast, and her breath feels like it won't fill her lungs. But Jose knows. He reaches for her again and she stays still, letting him undo the buttons he wants and pull the shirt wide. He smooths his hand down her sides then, gently scraping his thumbs over the tips of her breasts, touching her in a way that could almost be mistaken for indirect but Juvia can tell he's testing her, seeing how far she'll let him go. She's never had anyone do this to her before; she doesn't know what to say or what to do.</p><p>It's over before she can decide.</p><p>Jose sits back. His pants stretch tightly over his front. "That's better." Her breasts are almost out. Juvia won't pull the shirt up again, though, not in front of him while he gently smiles, daring her to comment on his situation, or let her gaze linger.</p><p>Juvia refuses.</p><p>A moment passes, and Jose says, "You're on the floor tonight. Talk to the bar, they'll train you."</p><p>Juvia doesn't dare argue and leaves as fast as she can.</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I keep on hoping, pray you're changing<br/>But we both just keep on doing the same things</p><hr/><p>The club sprawls out in front of Juvia like a black waste, alight with sparks of coloured light, throbbing with music like a heartbeat. There is a girl on stage that twists around a pole in a provocative dance. Everyone is watching her; even Juvia looks because focusing on that seems kinder to herself than focusing on what she let happen to herself. His hands. Jose's hands, sliding down her front. She can still feel his fingers scraping where they shouldn't.</p><p><em>It's over, </em>she tells herself. <em>You survived. It never has to happen again</em>.</p><p>Somewhere in her mind, she knows that's not true, but she buries the thoughts in the same place she buried the night she spent drugged and fucked against her wishes, and the thoughts that might happen again, too.</p><p>She rubs her hands against her pants, scrubbing away the memories, and takes in a deep breath. The air is soaked in sweat and alcohol and lust. This place is so many things, but mostly everything Juvia doesn't need at this moment.</p><p><em>For Meredy</em>, she thinks. <em>For now.</em> And then, <em>how much longer am I going to keep doing things for other people</em>?</p><p>She pushes <em>that </em>thought away, too, because Juvia Lockser is a giver, and she will give all she has for the people she loves if that's what she thinks they need.</p><p>It will destroy her someday. She knows that, too, but like an addict, she cannot stop.</p><p><em>More pills. More therapy. More love for myself. </em>Maybe then she'll be free. But all those things seem impossible. Especially when she hates herself so very much right then, with the ghost of Jose's fingers still scratching her breasts, and Jackal's bruises still blooming in spectacular colour on her ribs.</p><p>A man and a woman push past Juvia, an employee and a patron. They're laughing, though both of their smiles seem hollow and there are shadows in their eyes. They take the stairs to the lower level where the bar is and nestle up to the live-edge wood, the nicest part of Phantom, Juvia's sure.</p><p>A blonde girl steps into the space behind the bar and takes a tray from the bartender. Juvia watches as she then exits onto the main floor and goes to a table full of men. One of them hands her money with a smile and she lifts her skirt a little for them as she walks away, winking. Back to the bar, she goes for another platter of drinks to do it all over again.</p><p>Juvia wants to storm back into Jose's office and quit. She cannot be like that girl. She cannot flirt like that, or lead men on, or do any of the things the blonde is doing.</p><p>But then the front door opens and in walks a group of people Juvia recognizes all too well, and her thoughts are sidetracked.</p><p>Mard is in the front, and Meredy is behind him. Trailing behind her is Jackal, who looks worse for wear with a swollen and blue nose. Mard, despite his bruises, is grinning ear to ear. Jackal looks a little more murderous. He wants to hurt someone this evening.</p><p>As though he can feel Juvia's eyes on him, he lifts his gaze and finds her on the level above without a problem. His gaze gets darker, more sinister, and his intentions are clear—he'll be happy only when he hurts <em>her</em>. Juvia isn't sure when she became his punching bag. Maybe when she yanked him off his swing and began this war, but she hates him just as equally and is ready for a fight, if that's what he wants.</p><p>She barely knows herself. When did she become so quarrelsome?</p><p>Meredy glances up once. Her face is bruised, too, from Jackal pushing her aside, but she's covered the trauma with makeup, and it <em>almost </em>looks fine. She doesn't smile at Juvia.</p><p>Juvia wants to fly down the stairs and apologize for last night, and for calling so often, and for all the decisions she's made recently that's driven her and Meredy apart. But when she thinks about how she will do that, and how they can move on from this great divide, she doesn't understand how.</p><p>Jose's door opens and he pokes his head out. "Do you need directions to the bar?"</p><p>It's like an electric pulse has rushed through her. Juvia hurries off without acknowledging his words.</p><hr/><p>"You can't just walk into the staff room," Ultear scolds Jellal with less temper than she would normally. He looks more lost than usual in the gullet of Phantom, sitting between Ultear and Gray, hoping their gravity will hold him to the small and round table they've chosen as their own. His eyes move back and forth, taking in all the familiar sights, reliving all the memories that must feel like they belong to someone else. His gaze lingers on the Men's, where he lived through one of the worst nights of his life, topped, Ultear's sure, only by the day he watched men beat the eye out of Erza's head for mistakes that he made, fees he couldn't settle with his devil-may-care grin. All the tricks that used to get him by had worn thin.</p><p>Jellal turns his head on his palm to look at her. He doesn't explain his actions—doesn't really need to. Ultear knows who he was looking for, single-minded for a moment. He and Erza are drawn together into an exothermic reaction, they cannot help themselves, and every time they meet, it's volatile.</p><p>Ultear sighs and waves down a waitress. She orders a lemonade and wishes it were something stronger. If she didn't have her mom's car, if she didn't have Jellal to think about, if she didn't worry Juvia was going to tear herself apart doing stupid things to get Meredy's affections, if she didn't think Gray would throw himself into a battle nobody asked him to fight.</p><p>"Why do I surround myself with you people?" Ultear mutters.</p><p>"Because you love chaos," Jellal responds without missing a beat.</p><p>"I like <em>being </em>chaotic. I do not like chaos."</p><p>"When was the last time you did anything chaotic?" It sounds almost like a challenge.</p><p>Ultear thinks of the night she followed Meredy to Phantom, sitting outside between Jellal and Gray with the pier at their backs, and watching Mard push his way into Meredy's life. It wasn't so long ago. If she touches her knuckles, she can still feel the bruises from where she punched Mard in the face. And how afterward, she languished in her bed, wondering if this whole thing isn't her fault and if somewhere in her heart, she didn't <em>like </em>that.</p><p>"Chaotic Ultear is a menace and gets herself into too much trouble."</p><p>"Which you like," Gray tags in with a deadpan voice. Unlike Jellal, he is not amused by this whole thing.</p><p>Jellal's grin is as wide as it is challenging. "Why not find a little trouble, then?"</p><p>Ultear nudges him. "I <em>have</em> already and sometimes, I think he's more of a headache than he's worth."</p><p>"Gray can be a lot to handle at times, I agree," Jellal says without missing a beat and earning himself a withering scowl from Gray.</p><p>"Yeah," Gray says, "If only he didn't try storming into the change room with all Phantom's girls, looking for a berating and beating. What are we going to do with that guy?"</p><p>Jellal turns his mouth to the side. Ultear expects him to argue—he always seems to have a way of rationalizing all his frantic movements, but to her surprise, this evening, he doesn't try to defend himself. She doesn't know if she should be pleased, or worried he seems to know his behaviour is erratic.</p><p><em>Worried, </em>she decides. Always worried for Jellal.</p><p>Ultear looks around the room, hunting for the source of Jellal's absurd behaviour. The last time they came to Phantom, they didn't go inside. No inside, no Erza. Now though… Ultear can't even find her. She can find her waitress, though. She's at a table pampering a woman in an expensive dress. Ultear sighs.</p><p>"Want anything from the bar?"</p><p>Jellal lights up like a candle, though Ultear doesn't think it's the prospect of alcohol that's interested him, merely the absence of what Ultear has come to think of as her oppressive presence. "Whiskey."</p><p>"Make it two," Gray agrees. "This place is giving me a headache."</p><p>"Then you're doing it wrong," Jellal answers.</p><p>Ultear misses Gray's reply, already up and crossing the room. She spots Juvia on the top floor looking down upon the patrons. There is something about her expression and the way she holds her arms crossed over her chest that cements itself in Ultear's mind. This is how she'll remember her, Ultear thinks when she pulls this memory from the dregs of her mind—skin too pale, eyes too wide, like it's man-eaters stretched out below her looking for her blood, not a club where she works.</p><p>Juvia is looking elsewhere and Ultear cannot catch her eye to throw her a supportive smile. She moves on toward the bar. There will be another chance to speak to her.</p><p>The woman at the bar almost makes Ultear freeze in her tracks, though she told herself what to expect.</p><p>Mira hasn't changed very much. She still wears her hair long and down, still squeezes herself into leather too tight and too revealing, still smiles like she can cut you with it, though when she looks at Ultear, it falters for just a beat. It's back again before Ultear can comment.</p><p>Mira leans into the purple-haired bartender that's helping her and says something in her ear that Ultear cannot hear, then she slides out from behind the bar and heads through the hallway at the back and out the door marked Staff Only. The irony isn't lost on Ultear as she follows the woman out. She hopes Jellal can't see her walk through this part of the club with the confidence of someone who is not supposed to be here.</p><p>The exit door bangs closed just in front of Ultear. She pushes it open again and steps out into the cool night. She's ready to search the parking lot. She isn't ready for the Mustang that's pulled up just metres from the door with Mira sitting on its hood, smoking one of her herbal cigarettes.</p><p>"Why do you bother if it's not tobacco?" Ultear asks.</p><p>Mira exhales a cloud of smoke. "Why are you here?"</p><p>"Well, hello to you, too," Ultear mutters.</p><p>"Hello. Why are you here?"</p><p>Mira's coldness used to throw Ultear. Not any longer. "There's a new girl here. I'm keeping my eye on her."</p><p>"Juvia."</p><p>"You've met?" Ultear asks.</p><p>Mira shakes her head. "Jose gave her to me to train tonight."</p><p>She shouldn't feel relieved at the prospect, but she is. Mira can be cold, but she can also be welcoming and protective and supportive. "Good."</p><p>There's a brief lull before Mira shakes her head. "Seriously, Ultear?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"We both know you didn't follow me out here to talk about the new girl."</p><p>"Actually—"</p><p>"You're here to bother Erza again, aren't you?" Mira's eyes flash with that protective fire Ultear admires and, yes, fears.</p><p>"<em>Harass </em>is a stretch. Last time I just asked if she could settle things up with Jellal and—"</p><p>"You won't bother her again."</p><p>"Can I finish my sentences? Please?" Ultear snaps.</p><p>Mira settles back on the hood of her car. Moonlight limns her hair and makes her ghostly. She's beautiful, and mean, sometimes, but so is Ultear.</p><p>"I came to ask about a different girl. Jellal and Erza can figure their own shit out." She's been reduced to clean-up crew. She can do no more for Jellal but watch to see if he pieces himself together again or tears himself, and everyone around him, apart.</p><p>"Can't you leave anyone alone?"</p><p><em>Do you have to save everyone? Or do you like to watch them fall apart?</em> "I'm her mentor," Ultear says against the voices in her mind. "And I'm doing a shit job. I just wanted to ask if you could keep an eye on her while she's here at Phantom."</p><p>Mira doesn't need Ultear to explain who. "Meredy."</p><p>"She's young."</p><p>"She's trouble."</p><p>"She gets herself <em>into </em>trouble. It's different."</p><p>Mira bites her lips together to hold back what she'll say next—it won't be charitable, Ultear's sure.</p><p>"Thanks," Ultear says without Mira's affirmation. She knows Mira is a bleeding heart. She'll try her best to look after both Meredy and Juvia.</p><p>"Hang on," Mira says at Ultear's back and there's something in her tone that makes Ultear stop, turn around and return to Mira when she waves Ultear closer.</p><p>When they're shoulder-to-shoulder, Mira takes Ultear's hand as she hasn't done for months and leads her past her Mustang and around the side of the building to where the pier stretches out into the lake like a decaying finger, the land its withered hand.</p><p>They've been here before, in the dark, where words are said in different ways, and Ultear is dizzy and high from it all, and she tells herself it's a crash that waits at the other side. Mira is volatile, yet twice as forgiving as Ultear, and this is awful for them both, they can't do this any longer, but still, she puts one foot in front of the other, more than willing to weather the comedown because she's missed this, she's—</p><p>There are three figures on the pier already. Ultear used to think it was her and Mira's secret spot, but she sees now that it's more popular than she gave it credit.</p><p>Mira slows in the shadow of Phantom and pulls Ultear back against the façade. She points her out toward the pier when Ultear turns toward her, and at once, the pieces click together. They're not here to kiss, they're here to observe. Ultear's cheeks heat first with embarrassment at her supposition, but that quickly bleeds away for rage as she identifies Meredy pushed against the railing out on the pier. She's being ravaged by Mard. There's no other word for it all, the fevered touches, the steal-your-breath kisses and the long, low moan Meredy makes that Ultear closes her eyes against.</p><p>"Jesus fuck," Ultear mutters. They're too far away and there's too much traffic on the main road for Mard or Meredy or Jackal, their audience, she supposes, to hear.</p><p>It goes on for several seconds, then Mard pulls away and hands Meredy to Jackal like she's a pie they can split and share. Jackal grins viciously and positions Meredy in a way he likes. Ultear's so furious about how he treats her, she almost misses Mard pulling out his pipe and packing it with Ice.</p><p>If she were Juvia, she would storm over, start a fight. And part of Ultear, the part Jellal says craves chaos, <em>wants </em>to. There's a subtler part of her too, though, and this one is both vindictive and cruel.</p><p>She turns away from them and returns to Mira's Mustang.</p><p>Mira follows closely behind. "They meet out there a lot," Mira says.</p><p>That makes sense. It's where she found Meredy when she was too drunk to stand, trying to find a way home.</p><p>"Usually, they just drink," Mira continues.</p><p>Today is different though.</p><p>An alarm goes off on Mira's phone.</p><p>"Your break is up," Ultear reminds her when Mira turns it off and doesn't make a move to return to Phantom.</p><p>Mira chews her lip and looks between the Staff door and Ultear. "What are you going to do?" Because she knows Ultear well enough to know she won't let this go on in silence.</p><p>"It was nice to see you again, Mira," Ultear says rather than answering.</p><p>Mira hesitates a moment more before adding, "I'm done work at two. You can meet me out here if you want." She pulls open the staff door again, leaving Ultear, the cold air, and the stink of herbal cigarettes outside. Her offer follows Ultear, though, even as she trolls the parking lot until she finds Mard's car, even as she lifts her phone and dials the local police service and gives them his licence plate and a story she barely has to make up on the spot, the idiot left all his paraphernalia sitting on his front seat.</p><p>Maybe she really does like chaos.</p>
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